New Beginnings and the Pursuit of Happiness

It’s been 8 months. 8 months that seem long in retrospect but in actuality flew by quite quickly. New job, new attitude towards school, new friends, new problems and now a new year.

This is the first post I’ve written in 8 months.

Not because I’ve been too lazy to write or anything of the sort. No, not at all. In fact there were numerous opportunities that warranted me expressing my thoughts through words, but instead I kept them to myself. Instead I’ve been more focused on working and finishing school. I needed more focus and direction in my life and in order to do that I had to remove numerous things that were pulling me in 100 different directions. People, places, things, if I didn’t see a need for you, you were placed in mental storage or thrown out. It’s what I felt I needed to do and for the most part I don’t regret it.

However the need to write kept jabbing me in the back of my mind. Write. WRITE. WRITE! Still I refused. Most of my writing is emotionally charged, and if the emotion isn’t there I just won’t make the effort.

This is the first post I’ve written in 8 months and it’s wracked with emotion.

Today is the first day of a new year. 2013.It did not ring in the way I would have expected.

Despite my forward progress I still feel like my life is stuck in the mud. There are still aspects of my life that I’m not happy about and I’m not sure how it can be fixed. Going back to base zero has come to a stand still. In some ways I feel like I’m trapped in a cage with no door or means of escape, stuck in a perpetual loop of problem that have no visible solutions due to other problems that have no solutions. On the final night of 2012, I laid in bed watching a particularly depressing episode of Grey’s Anatomy, phone turned off not willing to communicate with anyone, being crush my the invisible weight of despair brought on by my knowing that another year is moments away and I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished enough in the one that is about to disappear.

This is the first post I’ve written in 8 months…..



2 responses to “New Beginnings and the Pursuit of Happiness

  1. I’m aware this isn’t a “happy” post but I’m just glad it’s a post. It’s nice to have you back. I understand feeling like you’ve not done enough, changed enough, accomplished what you wanted…it’s why I’ve attended none of my high school reunions. I also know that YOU DO have the power to make change. You CAN control this.

    It’s easy to say “I tried” or “I did my best” but you can’t wallow in yuck forever. Pick yourself up, write out those goals, and freaking attack them. I’m not trying to be all sunshine and roses…shit happens and life isn’t always great…but you can make it better.

    You’re taking huge strides. Education is great…new jobs are even better. You DID accomplish a lot. Just breathe….this too shall pass.

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