I’m not even sure where to start with this one. At first when I was entertaining the idea of writing this it was just based off of a few pet peeves that I have while using the bathroom. As I thought about it more I realized that I’d probably be doing the general male public a favor by laying down a few guidelines for male bathroom etiquette.
And ladies before you call me out for nit-picking, let me just say it’s not the same for us guys as it is for women. You guys use the bathroom as a communal gathering of estrogen to discuss matters of the heart, take duck faced pictures for Instagram and other trivial matters(I’m going to catch hell for that I’m sure). For men the bathroom is business only. Go in, do what you do, and get out.
However, I think some men have forgotten that there are rules in place for using the mans bathroom. Well since it has slipped the minds of some of you I’m going to refresh your memory with a few tips of what you should and should not do while in the bathroom.
- Do NOT talk to me while I’m using the urinal. Seriously, my penis is in my hand. For a man, this is one of our most vulnerable moments. We’re exposed and in no position do defend ourselves if shit goes down. We need to be on alert in case some shit happens and you trying to have a conversation about how shitty this job is or how hot Barbara from accounting is just takes away from my attention.
- Do NOT talk to me while you are using the urinal and have your penis in your hand. I’m going to respect what you’re doing and let you concentrate on aiming so don’t sabotage yourself by trying to strike up a conversation with me.
- If we are both using the urinals at the same time, we are NOT pee buddies. Do NOT talk to me. Your penis is in your hand and my penis is in my hand. It’s already awkward enough, so please don’t add to the weirdness.
- Speaking of simultaneous urination, if we are using the urinals at the same time please leave a one urinal gap between yourself and the other gentleman. This is non-negotiable. If you walk in to the bathroom and the only urinals that are free are the gap urinals, then FUCKING WAIT! That is not an open invitation to squeeze yourself in between two men. No Exceptions.
- Do NOT talk to me if I am using the bathroom stall or vice versa. Rules 1 and 2 still apply in this instance. Just because you’re behind closed doors still doesn’t mean it’s allowed. I mean chances are if I’m in using the stall it’s either A.) all that’s left is the urinal gap and I’m not going to be that guy (see no. 4) or B.) I’m taking a deuce. Which means my pants are around my ankles, another vulnerable position for a man. The gap rule applies for stalls as well but can be ignored since there is a partition separating you and I. HOWEVER, please do not let your feet slide under the partitions. You’ve been warned.
Here are also a few things to remember.
If you and another guy are at the urinals, don’t look over at him, stay facing forward.
If you get a little on the seat, wipe it off. I mean really how hard is it to get a piece of tissue and clean up after yourself.
This isn’t a fucking gym. There’s no need for all that grunting. You’re taking a shit not lifting weights. It can be done silently.
Talking is only allowed at the sinks among other men at the sinks. No cross communication should be had by any man washing his hands with another man at the urinal or in the stalls.
Wash your hands. No, seriously, wash them. If I see you leave the bathroom without washing your hands, it’s your funeral.
I HAVE SPOKEN!