I have a daily routine. Come in to work, loathe my job, and go home. During my daily routine I tend to use my breaks and lunch for personal reflection and maybe jot down notes or write articles for my blog…much like I’m doing right now. Usually I have my earphones in and my music turned up to momentarily tune out the outside world so that I can focus on whatever it is that has my attention for the moment. Some people get the hint but most don’t and will STILL try to have a conversation with me even though I can’t hear a fucking thing they’re saying (I mean what is it with people these days that just don’t get the hint?).
There are times however that I’m in such a hurry to get my ideas to paper (Or to Microsoft Word in this instance) that I forget to throw up the “Do Not Disturb” sign by putting my earphones in and inadvertently welcome in all the crazy.
This morning I was sitting in the break room alone with my laptop open adding a few songs to my iPhone when in walks one of my female coworkers. I pause for a brief moment readying myself for a possible random conversation that I’ll have no interest in of which I’ll have to fake my way through, but it doesn’t happen. Instead she walks to the nearby soda machine and proceeds to enter decision-making mode trying to decide on what carbonated and ridiculously overpriced beverages she might purchase(seriously, you should see the prices they charge for these drinks). After a few seconds of being on edge it doesn’t seem like I’ll be bothered so I go back to my perusal of iTunes.
I dropped my guard too soon.
Coworker: “I wish I had someone that I could have wild and crazy sex with on a regular.”
Me: “I’m sorry, what?”
Coworker: “(giggling) You know I wish I had someone that I could have wild and crazy sex with on a regular. I mean I have someone like that but…I want someone who whenever I call them they’d come over and spend the night and we could just get it in. I was talking to (another coworker) and the said that Aquarius people like to have sex and it’s true. If it were possible I would be having sex every single night.”
Me: “(nervous laugh) Um… good luck with that?”
I mean WHAT THE FUCK? How? What? Why? Why would you think it’s even remotely ok to say something like that so someone? How were you expecting that conversation to unravel? Then I thought about it for a minute. Was that her way of making a pass at me? Was that her indirectly direct way of saying that she wanted my dick? I mean, not like there was a snowball chance in hell of that even happening. I’m in no way even remotely attracted to this broad. Nope. No sir. If I was, it would have been a different story. Under different circumstances I would have gladly given her a business card for Rescue Dick Enterprises and given her a…..wait, I’m getting off topic here. Um…what was I saying, oh right, beaten with an ugly stick. And when I say beaten with the ugly stick I’m not really referring to her face. There are other attributes that contribute to her overall unattractiveness. If it’s not bad enough that she’s not the prettiest person in the world but her personality is very ugly as well. She’s always talking about someone behind their back while smiling in their face and she can’t keep anything a secret. If you want something to spread around the office don’t send an email, just tell….whoa, I almost dropped her name. This woman has very loose lips, and not in a good way either. Actually, having loose lips is never good in anyway…..I’m getting off topic again.
Anyway, HOW RANDOM WAS THAT SHIT?! This job, I swear.