D.S.I.D.A.A.K: Dog Food

240px-Flickr_-_cyclonebill_-_Coco_popsWhen I was a child I swore to high heaven that I was the smartest thing walking (who are we kidding, I AM the smartest thing walking…….shut it you!), but there were those rare moments where my brilliance got the better of me.

And we’ve all had those moments right? Those times when you were a child and you had what you thought was a genius idea just for it to be the worst idea in the history of worst ideas (I mean, until you have the next genius [tragic] idea) right? Well I decided to document as much of those moments as I can remember in a new section of my blog called, Dumb Shit I Did As A Kid.

I was at work today having a conversation with on of my co-workers that went from starving Africans to pets to dogs and then this awkward story that I decided to share about dog food that had them dying with laughter.

Now, I don’t particular remember why or how I thought this was a good idea but one afternoon while I was out feeding my dogs at the time my curiosity bent me over a barrel. I don’t remember I old I was when this happened but I’m thinking maybe 11 or 12. My parents only bought dry dog food, pedigree I think it was, and I remembered looking at the food in their bowls as they were munching away and thinking, “Hmm, I wonder what that tastes like?”

Challenge. Accepted.

Me in my infinite wisdom decided that it would be well within my rights to experiment with the flavors of dog food (where were my parents in all of this?). So I went back in to the house (we don’t keep our dogs in the house where I come from), grabbed a cereal bowl, went back outside, poured me a good amount of dog cereal, er…um..I mean, dog food in to the bowl and then went back in to the house. I remember standing in the kitchen pondering just how I was going to do this since I really had no intention of just eating it dry. Then it struck me! I’m sure this stuff has the same consistency as shredded wheat, and probably the same bland taste as well so if I add milk to the bowl and enough sugar to put me in a coma this stuff shouldn’t be half bad! (Seriously, where were my parents?)

So I grabbed the milk and proceeded to make myself a bowl of Pedigree cereal, adding enough sugar to give a cavity a cavity. Time for the moment of truth. I grabbed a spoon out of the drawer and after stirring up the “cereal” for a moment took a spoonful and hesitantly shoved it into my mouth.

For a moment in didn’t taste too bad. With the addition of the sugar and milk it actually did almost taste like cereal. Then I bit in to one of the dog food pieces.

Fuck.

MY TASTE BUDS! THE SUGAR, IT DOES NOTHING! WHHHHYYYYY??

No matter how much I chewed, or how many sips of the bowl I took to get additional diabetic coma sugar milk in to my mouth, the taste of the dog food was just to powerful!

UN-HAPPY. Needless to say that none of it even made it down my throat. I promptly spit whatever was in my mouth in to the sink and threw the rest of the abomination I created right out of the motherfucking window.

Lesson Learned.

@TheKrayze1

See, the Problem is…

emotional-designI’m not a very emotional person. Or rather, I’d like to believe that I’m not a very emotional person. I keep a very stoic attitude towards everything and try my best not to let my actions reflect how I may actually be feeling at the moment.

Actually, that’s not true. I’m a very emotional person. Too emotional sometimes I think. My problem comes with the fact that I internalize a great deal of things, anger, happiness, fear, sadness, disappointment, sympathy, mostly because I don’t know how to express my emotions very well. I never know how to react to things or if the way that I am reacting is correct. I prefer to keep up the facade that I’m emotionless and that people’s thoughts and actions don’t affect me and that I can’t be hurt by the things people say or do but it never works. No matter how much I’d like to pretend like I don’t care it always seems like my feelings are so easily trampled. Every other day it seems like I’m nursing some emotional wound that somehow slipped through a chink in my emotional armor.

Internalization (is that even a word?) doesn’t seem to be working for me to well these days. It accounts for much of my stress and personal conflicts. I care about people’s feelings way to much to tell them how I feel or what I may be thinking. I’m so afraid to hurt people so I’d rather deal with the turmoil within myself than to risk causing pain to someone else.

I sometimes wish that I could turn my feeling and my ability to care for people off but no matter how hard I try it seems like I don’t know how to not care too much. I develop bonds with individuals and then the inevitable event of some sort occurs that has me desperately trying to salvage whats been left of my tattered feelings. I wish I knew how not to care. I wish I knew a sure-fire way to avoid being taken advantage of. I wish I knew how to walk away without looking back. I wish I knew how to not give people the benefit of the doubt. I wish I knew how to not see the potential good in people.I wish I knew how to not expect people to meet me half way. I wish I knew how to not be considerate of people’s feelings. I wish it wasn’t so easy for me to bond with people.

I wish…..

@TheKrayze1

home iq

The Ametis bath line by Davide Oppizzi for Graff was introduced at least two years ago, but you could hardly find information about the product here. Is it that the manufacturer feels we in the Colonies can’t handle its avant-garde design sensibility? More likely it was because the product line was not available until late last year.

Consisting of showers and faucets that will be available for the first time in the U.S., the products exude curvaceous lines and come equipped with an electronic system and a colored ring that changes from red to blue and vice versa, depending on changes in the water temperatures. In keeping with the circular design, a toggle-like handle swivels in either direction to control the water flow and temperature. Like most high-quality faucets, the products are made from cast brass and are available in chrome, white or black.

“At GRAFF, we have a history of collaboration with…

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Clair De Lune

pianoAnyone that knows me knows that I am really in to music. I mean it’s even tattooed on wrists in the form of a treble and bass clef. They would also know that I studied classical piano for 10+ years and played for my church. If you didn’t know, now you know.

The point is I really love music. If something sounds good to me, I’ll listen and probably download it. Which is probably the reason why my iTunes library is so eccentric and all over the place. Even if a song has to grow on me, once it does, it gets added to my library. It doesn’t matter what genre it belongs to, if it’s pleasing to my ears then that’s enough for me.

That being said, there are a few songs in particular that I favor above all others. And of those few, Clair de Lune by Claude Debussy is the crem de la crem.

I don’t know what it is exactly about this song that speaks to me but I can always count on this piece to either calm me down if I’m angry, cheer me up if I’m a bit down or channel my focus if I’m utterly distracted. This is also why I’m obsessed with learning this piece. If I never touch a piano again, I at least want to master this gem.

And now, for your viewing/listening pleasure:

@TheKrayze1

Sexting 2.0 “What the Fuck?”

-accepted-memes-images-629461You know those conversations you have with your friends that may have started out one way, but somewhere along the way things take an extreme left turn and before you know it everyone is like “What the Fuck?”

Yeeeeaaaahh…

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday (who shall remain nameless per her request), when I introduced the word “Idiotard”. Now for those of you who are looking for an explanation to that word then you’re an idiotard, because anyone can see that the word means that you’re a retarded idiot. Anyway, after praising my genius she threw out the idea of creating conjoined words to describe sexual situations.

……………………………………Challenge Accepted!

It all started out fairly normal at first, but then things quickly spiraled out of hand, as you’ll soon read. Below you’ll find a glossary of terms that we’ve come up with so far. By the way, this may not be safe for work.

  • Sexhaustion/Pleasurathon: All definitions self-explanatory, or at least they should be.
  • Hairsmucking: Grabbing her hair while smacking her ass and fucking her doggie style.
  • Ridegasm: When you continue to pound that ass while she’s quivering and quaking during an intense orgasm.
  • Dualgasm: Again, self-explanatory.
  • Distractgasm: When crazy wild sex serves as a distraction from your furious anger. (Not to be confused with the anger bang.)
  • Milsing: Milking your cock by pulsing her pussy walls.
  • Boofing: Grabbing her boobs while fingering her.
  • Jerbling: Jerking him off while nibbling on his ear. (Not to be confused with gerbling which is just cruelty to animals in my opinion)

Here’s where shit started to go downhill…

  • Vagmoutt: The sexual Roshambo (rock-paper-scissors) over which orifice gets penetrated.
  • The Magician: You know, like pulling a rabbit out of a hat? This pulling his cock out of his jeans while he’s pants are still buttoned..
  • Discoballing: Cumming all over her face then sprinkling her face with glitter.
  • Pussy Flume: Pouring liquor down your belly and over your slick pussy and letting him drink from you.
  • Slurpee: Paying extra oral attention to the balls.
  • Snorkel: Oral sex in the shower….(Ok, that one was pretty genius)
  • Strobing: Having ass slapping sex in a room with a clapper.

Here is where things REALLY took a turn for the crazy and kinda offensive.

  • The Helen Keller: Blindfold, ball gag, and noise cancelling ear phones for an intense sexual experience focused only on sensation….(Actually….)
  • The Ray Charles: Blindfolded while music is playing..
  • Kriss/Kross: When a man cross-dresses then starts scissoring with a woman…(what?)

We need psychiatric help…

@TheKrayze1

D-D-D-D-D-Did That Just Happen?

stutteringI’m not sure how to write this without sounding insensitive or mocking. I assure you I’m not intentionally doing either. OH! I know! I’ll make this an informative learning post that way I can talk about this and not sound like a total dick (I’ll have to use scientific terms and shit to make this sound official).

Earlier this week, I received a phone call from a student that needed to check the status of her account. Following the normal procedures of verifying her identity, I was required to ask her a specific set of questions, specifically her to provide her student I.D., date of birth and name. While providing her identification number and date of birth, there were breaks in the information that at first I thought was a result of us having a bad connection. However when it came time for her to provide her name, it all became crystal clear.

ME: “Thank you so much for that information ma’am. And who do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?”

STUDENT: “My name is M-M-M-M-M-M-Mary S-S-S-S-S-S-Smith.”

I almost lost it.

It took everything in my power not to blurt out and shout, “I-I-I-I-I-IT DOESN”T MATTER!” (For those of you lost on the reference, please watch the video below)

Please understand, while the moment was somewhat amusing (ok it was fucking hilarious), this was the first time I’d actually ever spoken to anyone that stuttered. I mean I’ve heard people stammer in movies, but it’s a movie and my brain only registers the fact that it’s for the movie. This was the real deal, and it was epic!  So epic in fact that it actually made me go out and do research on the disorder.

Stuttering; alalia syllabaris), also known as stammering; alalia literalis or anarthria literalis), (See! Scientific and shit!) is a speech disorder in which the flow of speech is disrupted by involuntary repetitions and prolongations of sounds, syllables, words or phrases (No shit?) as well as involuntary silent pauses or blocks in which the person who stutters is unable to produce sounds. The term stuttering is most commonly associated with involuntary sound repetition, but it also encompasses the abnormal hesitation or pausing before speech, referred to by people who stutter as blocks, and the prolongation of certain sounds, usually vowels and semivowels.

The disorder is also variable, which means that in certain situations, such as talking on the telephone (ding, ding), the stuttering might be more severe or less, depending on the anxiety level connected with that activity (she must have gotten really anxious by the sound of my smooth velvety voice). Although the exact etiology or cause of stuttering is unknown, both genetics and neurophysiology are thought to contribute.

Now all I need to do is meet someone with Tourettes. Hey, don’t judge me.

@TheKrayze1