I’m not a very emotional person. Or rather, I’d like to believe that I’m not a very emotional person. I keep a very stoic attitude towards everything and try my best not to let my actions reflect how I may actually be feeling at the moment.
Actually, that’s not true. I’m a very emotional person. Too emotional sometimes I think. My problem comes with the fact that I internalize a great deal of things, anger, happiness, fear, sadness, disappointment, sympathy, mostly because I don’t know how to express my emotions very well. I never know how to react to things or if the way that I am reacting is correct. I prefer to keep up the facade that I’m emotionless and that people’s thoughts and actions don’t affect me and that I can’t be hurt by the things people say or do but it never works. No matter how much I’d like to pretend like I don’t care it always seems like my feelings are so easily trampled. Every other day it seems like I’m nursing some emotional wound that somehow slipped through a chink in my emotional armor.
Internalization (is that even a word?) doesn’t seem to be working for me to well these days. It accounts for much of my stress and personal conflicts. I care about people’s feelings way to much to tell them how I feel or what I may be thinking. I’m so afraid to hurt people so I’d rather deal with the turmoil within myself than to risk causing pain to someone else.
I sometimes wish that I could turn my feeling and my ability to care for people off but no matter how hard I try it seems like I don’t know how to not care too much. I develop bonds with individuals and then the inevitable event of some sort occurs that has me desperately trying to salvage whats been left of my tattered feelings. I wish I knew how not to care. I wish I knew a sure-fire way to avoid being taken advantage of. I wish I knew how to walk away without looking back. I wish I knew how to not give people the benefit of the doubt. I wish I knew how to not see the potential good in people.I wish I knew how to not expect people to meet me half way. I wish I knew how to not be considerate of people’s feelings. I wish it wasn’t so easy for me to bond with people.