A Dick for a Day

I’ve been in a writing funk lately so my friend Jewels had the brilliant idea to return the favor of me totally sending perverts her way at her blog by sending me the most random and at some parts frightening post I’ve read as a man. Nah, just kidding (a little). I’m actually honored to have Jewels as my first every guest post. So after you read this and die of laughter or cringe in a corner somewhere, head over to her place and show her some love.. NOW!

 
What seems like forever ago James wrote a guest post at my place about what he would do if he woke up with lady parts. To this day people still find me through perverted Google searches like “man wakes with vagina” or “dude with vag & tits”. Thanks for bringing those freaks to my door, by the way. Anyway, the reason that he even wrote that article is because I told him all women have thought about what they would do with a dick for a day. He seemed a little reluctant to believe me so the time has come for me to repay the pervy Google search favor and tell you what I’d do with a dick for a day.

First things first, I want anyone with a dick reading this to brace himself. I’d say that a solid 70% of this is pure pervy, deprived, and sex related activity but the other 30% is straight torture to the penis. So let’s get to it, shall we?

Where else would we start but with morning wood? As a woman I’m not waking up primed for sex (even if I do enjoy morning sex) unless I’ve dreamt of Jason Statham. Therefore waking with a hard on ready to rock…that’d be freaking great! So, I figure I wake up, enjoy the tent show (and pray it’s an impressive one) and then reach for the lotion cause I’m about to get it on with my right hand. It wouldn’t end there though; I’d go into a marathon of jerking off. The left hand, the stranger, how quick can I make myself cum, and how quickly can I recover and do it all again! I’m going to find my perineum and massage the fuck outta that while I jerk off just to see how much stronger the orgasm is.  I want to know my cock and what I like to a T before I leave that bed.

Of course if I had a dick for a day I’m going to see if I can blow myself because maybe, just maybe, I can! After I’ve sufficiently crusted my sheets and covered my belly with splooge it’s going to be time for a shower. I can’t get in until I pee though, standing up; oh the novelty! This is huge for me because I’m pretty fucking sure it’s not that hard to hit the fucking water and not make a mess, so I have to prove this point.

I’m going to have a field day in the shower! Soapy and slippery I’m going to paint on the glass doors, make cock head prints, ball prints, soap myself up, then likely get hard and jerk off again. Then I’m going to play with my balls, fondle them a bit, then sadistically twist and pull on them just to test how sensitive they REALLY are. I want to know the threshold between “ehh” and “OOOWWW”. When I was done fondling my balls…and trimming that shit up by the way…I’d dry off. I’d be toweling off when I remembered that time that guy flapped his cock against a towel to make me laugh and immediately I’d have to do it. This would lead to me doing penis copters and flapping my junk ala Jenna Marbles “Bounce That Dick” video (and likely cracking up).

When I was done with my dick acrobatics I’d get dressed, but I’m totally going to free ball it! If I only have a dick for one day I’m going to jog to my car (and likely everywhere else that day) just to feel that shit swinging around in my pants. When my junk shifts, sticks to my legs, or otherwise gets out of line, I’m going to adjust myself, unabashedly. I’m going to fondle myself in public the way only men can, without any shame. Hell, I’m going to play a little pocket hockey and sport a raging boner in public while talking to people with a straight face while I’m at it. It’s going to be AMAZING!

So, I’m clearly heading to my best friend’s place and making good on all those times we said “if only you had a dick…we’d be perfect together” cause no way am I NOT getting a blowy! Oh, I’m getting a blowjob, a hand job, and I’m titty fucking her. Note: This is all hypothetical cause no way could I engage in sexual acts with her BUT assuming I still look like me with a cock…she’s the only one who would fuck me…so yeah, I’m going to bone her…hard! Once we’ve forgone all that foreplay I’m taking her to pound town on the fuck truck (Thank you Krayze for that phrase). We’re boning with and without a condom so I can finally understand why so many men beg to go bareback (I’m pretty sure that’s a con job). I honestly can’t imagine the sensations from the other side so this is the part I am really excited about.

After we’re done screwing it’s time to get into some sadistic shit. This dick is a one-day deal so I can torture it. First I’m going to see what else I stick my dick in? I’m going to try to fuck a vacuum hose, the gap in sofa cushions, a watermelon, and anything else that looks inviting or cylindrical. Then it’s time for the torture tests now that I’m done with it for the most part. I’m letting my friend straight kick me in the dick, backhand it, hit a ball at my crotch, and grab and twist my balls. I need to know how bad it really is. A mans tolerance for pain is way lower than a woman’s so I’m pretty sure I can judge the true nature of the pain.

If I’m feeling REALLY altruistic maybe I’ll let all my friends come over and give them HONEST feedback on blowjobs, hand jobs, and sex. They get to perform on me and I’ll give them constructive criticism…cause I’m nice like that. At the end of the day I’ll head to a guy friend’s house and try to game for a bit…cause I’m pretty sure I’d need to have a dick before I ever enjoyed that waste of time. Then I’d head home, rub one out, and fall asleep immediately.

I honestly would have a field day…for a day…then you can have that shit back. I enjoy my tits and vagina way too much to keep that dangly junk. So, ladies and gentlemen, that is what I would do if I had a dick for a day. What would you do with the opposite genders naughty bits for a day?

@According2Jewls

 

jewelsJewels is a writer who is working on a YA novel series when not writing at her blog, According to Jewels, or fulfilling her Senior Editor role at The Indie Chicks (an online magazine). You can reach her on her blog, twitter, or Facebook…and please do, she’s a little low on stalkers.

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54 responses to “A Dick for a Day

  1. OH MY GAWD! You have always made me laugh but today you made me pee! LOL! I am now in love with you (in a purely platonic non-sexual way) (unless of course you do get a penis). Ever since I was little I have always wanted to be a boy…not confused-I like/love guys but the boys always seemed to get the breaks. And I had very few girl friends almost non-existent in my neighborhood, so I was a tom-boy. I do remember at one point wishing I could just run to the woods to pee like the boys did. And once when no one was around tried it myself. Even now there are certain guys I look at and would rather look like them than many of the women I see (in movies, modeling etc).
    And if I woke up with a penis for a day I am pretty sure I would do EXACTLY what you would do! Great post!

    • Believe me, I had WAY too much fun writing this one! I’m a healthy mix of sport loving tomboy and makeup loving girlie girl. I think the fascination comes from my love of sex and wondering what the male perspective of it is. Either way…I’m all about rocking a cock for a day…but just one!

      Thanks so much for the comment love!

  2. I honestly don’t know what to say about this. I honestly think that you know how to have more fun with one day than I’ve had in years. Lol! The imagination on this one! Well, needless to say, I’m so glad that you don’t have one. However, I’m just being selfish. 🙂

  3. Let me first say I’m not surprised by any of this, not really. J, you’re brazen and wanton, in the best of ways, so naturally this is how your day would go. Perhaps a little disrespectful of the package, but hey, it’s your dick, so whatever greases your gears, right? Let me also say:

    -I don’t ever think about what I would do if I had a vagina. Maybe only women think about being the opposite sex?

    -I really don’t think I have ever done much more than maybe rub one out in the shower. ‘Head prints? Seriously? lol

    Then again, maybe *I’M* the one not livin’ right, lol

    • I’m all warm and fuzzy by the way my loyal readers and friends describe me “sick sick bastard, wanton, and brazen”. *wipes away tears* You guys are the BEST!

      Alright…let’s break this down.
      1. You SHOULD think about having tits at least for a day-they’re a blast!
      b. I was going to “penis paint” with finger paints but I drew a line at soap sud prints. Come on…that’d be great! Please say you’ll try it now.
      3. Start living right, darn it! God gave you a penis and women everywhere are jealous…don’t waste the privilege.

      😀

  4. I can totally get on board with the beginning & end of your day (actually, I may or may not have had mornings that started out in a similar manner). Not liking so much the middle part with the torture though because, TRUST ME, we are NOT exaggerating about the pain. You’ll probably figure that out after the initial test in the shower, though.

    • Listen guys, I appreciate the warning and trying to protect my fantasy penis but it HAS to be done! I’m sorry but I just don’t believe you. The same way I still want to try the cinnamon challenge even though everyone has warned me not to, I just don’t believe it until I see for myself.

      Love ya for commenting and reading, Vinny!

  5. Holy shit balls!

    YES! I’d put thinks in it too. Like Lollipop sticks. I’d flick it, smack it, pinch it, all of it. Peni (that’s plural penis, thank you) intrigue me so I’d be doing everything you’ve mentioned. And then? Give me back my lady bits please! They look better!

    • lmao I’d totally smack and flick or bounce my hard on all around…or just squish my flaccid dick. haha. I’m a sick woman but I have NOTHING on you if you think that shoving things IN it is where you wanna go! lol. That’s all you!

      Love you for following me here and I’m with ya…I love my lady bits too much to give them up. Plus, boobs=endless fun! I’m obsessed with mine.

  6. Came over from Jewels blog because she sent me like the bosy boots she is……….
    This was bloody funny but then Jewels is a bloody funny woman isn’t she……….and a little warped as well

  7. All fun….this was pretty funny actually. It makes me wonder what I would do if I were a woman for a day….though the dick transplant is a more limited thing to do. Yes I think we all wonder what it is like to be the other sex.,…thanks, it made me smile. You are not very sadistic btw.

  8. One thing you don’t realize is that you’d never have time for all that whacking, smacking, titty fucking, ball twisting and jerking off. Even if this were to happen on a day when you had absolutely nothing else to do. If you had a dick for a day yes you’d jerk off once in the AM but as soon as you finished you’d complete forget the dick was even there, at least for awhile. Without even knowing why you’d decide to watch sports while sitting on the couch for hours. During this time you’d no doubt be scratching yourself.

    Eventually you’d want to go out for some beer but the good news is that you’re suddenly a much better driver (i’m joking, don’t hate me) though lets hope you dont get lost because you’ll never ask for directions.

    Towards the end of the day if you do indeed decide to have sex, get blown or just jerk off again good luck accomplishing anything after, because you’ll fall asleep in minutes. Damn it’s good to be a dude.

    • Come on now, give me SOME credit. I’m still a woman…just with a dick. Believe me, I can multi-task, make lists, and accomplish all of this before lunch if I needed to!

      Besides, you know me, I already love sports so that’s a moot point. Good point on the falling asleep after orgasm though-I always thought that was a bunch of bullshit to avoid cuddling so it’d be interesting to see how tired you really get.

      Thanks for reading and commenting, SD.

  9. Thanks so much for having me over. I had NO idea I was popping your guest writer cherry but I am honored that you picked me for your first. 😀 I had a great time writing this and am glad that I didn’t scare anyone too badly.

  10. Ha! *snort!* You crazy woman. Seriously, i have said it before and i will say it again. I would scratch my nuts and lay on the couch aand watch t.v until I could be female again! I like my gender and my sex the way it is. A dick seems like to much trouble. 😉

  11. A few issues: Even if you had a magical dick, pain would still be a thing. So sticking your newly found dong into random mechanical objects seems to be a mistake. Also, you’re assuming you’d have an impressive hog. Like it’s something that would do more than just embarrass you. What if you were saddled with micro-phallus? You’d spend the day, tucking that pinky away in shame, like a slightly overgrown clit. Also, you may not know this, but dudes are not renowned for multiple orgasms and so your idea of multiple sex acts would only lead to disappointment. Disappointing because not being accustomed to a dong, you would most likely orgasm faster than a 12 year old hitting puberty seeing the popular cheerleader naked for the first time. Also, without practice, your refractory period would be disappointingly long. You would need at least a week for the type of shenanigans you’re planning.
    If you had one day with a dick, I’d be impressed if you didn’t spend most of the day wondering if you’re penis was small or at least average, taking those penis enlargement pill ads seriously, then, after taking two seconds to cum, wondering how and why penis envy exists.

    • Wow…are you sure that comment shouldn’t have been written by “debbie downer”? 😦 Why do you have to harsh my penis mellow?

      I know it would still hurt which is why I’m leaving the torture to the end of the day. As for cumming too fast that’s why I’m going to jerk off the majority of the morning and hopefully make my staying power a bit longer come sex time. Dude, I’ve been around enough teenage guys to know that stamina and recovery time are varied and I have faith that my stamina and recovery time will translate to the male equivalent AKA I’ll be just fine.

      All in all I suppose it’s a good thing that I will never have a dick for a day since my grandiose plans seem a bit ill planned.

  12. This cracked me the hell up. I honestly don’t know what I’d do with all that junk. I think I’d just show up to work and demand to get paid more than the women do, you know, because I have a penis.

    (Don’t hate, it comes from years in HR.)

    Oh, and I’d go to a sperm bank and leave my seed for pay.

    Oh, and I’d come out of the shower and do the “woo woo” thing to a woman. Because, you know, women love that.

    Oh, and I’d measure it, because, you know, I could. Then I would lie about the results.

    And I would tie it down and become the best female impersonator ever!

    I would whip it out until someone told me to “Put that thing away!”

    I’d at least tell someone I wanted to be a Catholic priest or the President of the United States. It’s not true, but at least it would be possible.

    I don’t think I’d treat it to a hand job. As a woman, I’ve been there, done that, handled the equipment.

    I might sit and talk to it though. Really have a heart to heart — or a brain to dick conversation.

  13. If you ever have a dick for a day, I pray to God it won’t be my dick that your using and abusing! How bout I borrow your vagina and cram a squash up in there? Or a watermelon even? Doesn’t sound pleasurable does it?

    My balls now ache having read this! You sick, sadistic freak! lol

    • Listen, you are free to fantasize about what you would do with a vagina for a day but NO WAY are you torturing my vagina like that; get your own. I’m not taking anyone’s dick…the dick genie came and granted me one. It’s mine damn it…all mine…and I’ll torture it if I want. 😉

      Ps- you have always known how to sweet talk me Dan!

      • If I had a vagina I sure as hell wouldn’t beat and abuse the hell out of it. Okay, maybe a bit abused…but in a less painful way. When I mean abuse I mean abusing the fact that I have a pussy…not torture and pain!

        You know it girl! 😉

      • You really should check out his post, Dan.

        Now, the vagina is meant to take a pounding so it’ll be okay. No guy decides to have a vagina for a day when you’re on the rag though,right? No guy wants cramps and bloating and all that crap. I don’t give you a hard time for that…so let me take a kick to the dick. K? lol.

  14. The levels of depravity are epic. I had to read the comments to see what anyone missed. Here are a few additions…

    1. You are going to feel the need to eat raw oysters. You’re not sure why, but you hear that gives you epically more “shots” the next day.
    2. You will use phrases like “yeah, I’d hit that!” And “I wouldn’t hit that even with your dick.” You might even work in a “go south, with the mouth.”
    3. I can’t stress Simple Dude’s point more. I could be thinking of several ways to rub-one out this morning, but it ain’t happening. Men and women are wired up different. Most times you aren’t thinking of the lady bits (well, maybe YOU are) but once you do they can stay on your mind through O after Oh after Ohhhh. Man parts are pretty much Ohhhh and then No.
    4. You forgot peeing with a raging boner….yeah turn on the sprinkler!
    5. Painting…ummm, ok. You and Brandon are the only ones I know of, though back to the peeing….you will try to aim at stuff. As far as “ball prints” yeah, go try to put the lady bits on the shower wall.
    6. I find the torture scenes amusing, as do most of the guys, you’re likely to know all you need to in the “ball prints” when you slip on your tip-toes trying to make that happen. But whatevs, do it right and you too can cringe and look away from the scene in Bloodsport (sorry to bring it up, guys).

    I didn’t realize you ladies had such an altruistic thing working, I’m going out now and find women to give “critiques” to on their abilities.

    Very funny as always, Jewels!

    • I already say “I’d hit that” but in reference to guys. I also use “I’d only throw him out of bed to bone him on the floor” cause I’m classy like that. 😉

      Your comments only reiterate how happy I am to have a vagina. Multiple orgasms are AMAZING and I’m not giving them up for ANYTHING! One day…then I want my multiples back!!

      If you could convince women that you were giving 100% honest feedback on their sexual performance I’m 100% sure you’d have takers. Just saying.

      Thanks for reading and commenting. 😀

  15. Everything The Simple Dude says is valid. You also haven’t told us if you would be a grower or a show-er. Cut or uncut?
    Would you treat a rented car the way that you’re going to treat this penis?
    One last thing; Save the self-fellating attempt until the end. If you are truely gifted and can accomplish this feat, you won’t do any of the other things on your list.
    Great post, you made me laugh and hold my junk at the same time.
    Have I ever told you how good of a writer you are? Say good night Gracie.

    • Its my magic penis but even I dont know which of those I’d be (grower/shower or cut/uncut). I guess I’ll get whatever the penis fairy doles out.

      And the answer to the rented car is YES! I’d abuse the hell out of a rented car the same way I always trash hotel rooms.

      Good call on the blowie–I’ll move it to last.

      hahaha I made you touch your junk! love it.

      Goodnight, Gracie.

  16. I am soooo glad I’m not the only freak who’s sat and pondered how I would experience my totally cocking it day! I was surprised in all that ejaculation, you failed to mention seeing how far you can squirt and to what accuracy.

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