Hello Again

Well hello there! It’s been a bloody long time hasn’t it? Well sorry, I’m not sorry. The way my mind works I need to be totally committed and invested in something for it to have my undivided attention and at present, writing and keeping up with this blog isn’t a priority.

You know what, let’s back up a bit, that last paragraph sounded a bit harsh and almost like give zero fucks about writing and this blog. I care about this blog and I do want to create steady and continuous content, but to be quite honest I haven’t had the drive and so many other things are occupying my time and resources that I just do not have the energy to keep up with the attention that this need. So to all my loyal readers (all two or three of you), I sincerely apologize.

To give you a brief look in to my world, I’m currently taking classes full-time with hopes of graduating next Spring, and while the drive is still there I might as well “strike while the iron is hot”. I’ve become more invested in my photography and am in the process of attempting at building a business from it, so that takes up a bit of my time when I’m not balls deep in my studies. I’ve had some deaths in the family and that has taken a physical and emotional toll on me but I’ll leave that talk for another time. There are a million other things that are dividing my attention right now and adds to a continuous stream of anxiety and stress but no need to bog anyone of you down with any of that right now.

Hope you’re all doing wonderfully!

@thekrayze1

Advertisements

First Will and Testament

I, James Loren Payne, being of sound mind and body, bequeath these precious possessions to the following individuals.

To my daughter Rowan, I leave to you all of my love. Ever since the day you were born, you have been my greatest inspiration. Everything I do is to provide you with the things that I never had, and to ensure that you are never without the things that you need. I also leave to you the wisdom gained from mistakes that I have made in the past. Always listen to your mother. She is very knowledgeable and experienced, and only has your best interest at heart.

To my family I leave my sincerest apologies and thanks. I apologize for the many years of hardship and disappointments that have plagued you due to my existence. I know that I did not turn out the way that you expected me to, and for that I am sorry. In my stubbornness I have cost you countless expenses that I can never repay. I also want to thank you for putting up with me for all these years and for being there for me. For that I am very grateful.

To my friends I leave you a wealth of advice. Learn from the people who love you and have walked the path before you. They are not here to make your life miserable, but to save you from mistakes that they have made. Pay attention, stay in school, and always stay focused.

Finally to the world, I leave to you this final thought. Life is short and precious so make the most of it. Take the time to tell your family and friends how much you love and appreciate them. You cannot get back the time you have wasted so make the most of what you have.

@thekrayze1

I Will NOT Go Down With This Ship

white flagI’m not a quitter. I never have been. It’s just not in my DNA. No matter how challenging or difficult something may be, no matter how much I’m getting my ass kicked, I’ll just keep coming back for more until I win, or figure it out (except for math, math can suck a dick). If there’s a level of a game that I can’t seem to figure out or a combo that I can’t get the right timing or input for, I’ll keep at it for hours until I’ve figured it out (Seriously, ask anyone that has played a video game against me or have sat and watched me play a level over and over and over again for hours). I just don’t know how to quit. I don’t know how to give up and accept defeat.

However, I’ve recently come to the realization that my fervor and tenacity doesn’t work for all situations, especially when it comes to relationships and the people who you love or care about.

I was sitting at my desk at work yesterday, tirelessly fielding calls from these whiny, bitchy, annoying ass, entitled feeling, can’t do anything for themselves, don’t know their ass from their elbow students (I think they get the picture Loren). Anyway, as I’ve stated in previous posts, in order to tune out the rest of the world I tend to have my iTunes playing in one ear while my telephone headset is on the other (Shhhh, I’m not supposed to do that).

I was addressing an issue with a student that had a SERIOUS stammer (another post to come about that shortly), when Dido’s “White Flag” started playing. If you’re not familiar with the song then you should go look it up on YouTube. What? I should just embed the video in to my post? What do I look like? Your fingers aren’t broken. How about I just post the lyrics? Good? Ok, glad we agree on that.

WHITE FLAG

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it
where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can’t talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of “it’s over”
then I’m sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I’m sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I’ll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I’ve moved on….

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

As I was saying, we all have that one song that can describe any instance in our lives to the letter, well this just happens to be mine. Without going in to detail, this song describes a point in my life when things were very…..complicated. I lived by the motto that anything can be fixed in a relationship and that if there is enough conviction that most relationships can be saved. What I forgot to factor was that it has to be a mutual effort between both parties for it to work. No one person has enough love or devotion for both individuals to save the relationship if one of them isn’t giving 100%. Am I trying to say that you shouldn’t fight for the ones you love? No, of course not. If you feel that your relationship is worth saving, then fight like hell for it, but only if your partner is willing to fight along with you.

I fought. I fought and I fought and I fought. I fought hard. In the end it was all for nothing. I learned the hard way that I could have saved myself a shit ton of pain and sorrow if I’d only l cut my losses and moved on. I learned the hard way that some things just can’t be salvaged by just determination and hope. I had to learn how to quit. I had to learn how to fight against every fiber of my being and walk away. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to learn. Some things just can’t be saved, and in most cases more damage and pain will be caused by continuing to fight.

I’m not a quitter by design, and I still struggled with this concept. No matter how many times I’d been hurt, ignored or shunned by someone I care about, some part of me was still willing to fight for that connection, that bond. Not any more.

I’m not a quitter, but I won’t go down with the ship.

@TheKrayze1

(P.S. I caved. The link to the White Flag video is below. Enjoy.)

http://

Define Slut

Your looks? Ridiculous. Your style? Last season. Your legs? Always open. – Unknown

One afternoon I was riding in the car with a friend of mine when a certain female of “loose morals” came up in conversation. I’m not going to go into too much detail but the conversation went something like this:

Him: “So what’s up with (We’ll call her Carmen) Carmen?

Me: “What do you mean?”

Him: “Who’s she f***ing now? Doesn’t she have a boyfriend or something?”

Me: “Yeah, something like that. Doesn’t matter though, I’m pretty sure she’s cheating on him.”

Him: “I don’t know how any dude can mess with that, she looks so dirty most of the time.  Her p***y HAS to stink.”

Me: “Yeah she really doesn’t keep herself up, but she’s pretty and has big breasts and a small waist.  Some dudes overlook things like a stink p***y. LOL

Him: “Dude, I wouldn’t touch that with a ten foot pole. I wouldn’t f**k her with your d**k. LOL

Me: “You’re such an ass. I don’t know man, I guess a slut is a slut.  I mean she’s can be a nice person when she wants to be but she’s still a slut.”

Him: “……..Nah, she’s not a slut…….”

If this were a scene in a movie, him saying she’s not a slut would have been the part where the record scratched and everyone in the vicinity of a mile would have suddenly looked at him in shock, just like I did.

Me: “She’s not?”

Him: “Nope, she’s not a slut; d**k is just her comfort food. LOL”

Even though he was being a total ass, what he said had some truth to it, misguided truth, but truth nonetheless. The word slut is defined as, “a dirty slatternly woman, or a woman who is sexually promiscuous”. Even though different meanings have been applied to the word since as early as the 1400’s, it generally  applies to a woman who sleeps around. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not referring to a woman who enjoys good sex on a regular basis. I’m referring to an individual that has no moral compass and would sleep with anyone by just looking at them the right way. It’s deeper than that in my opinion though. I think a lot of women are just in need of some attention, and the only way they think they can get it is to sacrifice their bodies and their dignity.  They crazy thing is these men that take advantage of them are put on a pedestal, when they are slut themselves who don’t know how to truly appreciate a woman for what she’s really worth.

Some women suffer have low self-esteem that may stem from various  influences ranging from their upbringing, living environment, peers, etc.  Some women get over their low self-esteem by turning into cranky angry bitches, often talking down to others just to make themselves feel better, other turn to food for comfort, while others try to garner affection by allowing themselves to be used and abused.

Is it fair to call them sluts? I’m not talking about whores on the street here. They sell their bodies for money, those are genuine sluts. I’m talking about women who are obviously missing something and are going about trying to get it in all the wrong ways. Is it really fair to refer to them in such a derogatory way? These women are obviously misguided, searching for affection in all the wrong places.

Oh man I’m going to get so much heat for this post, but I’m interested in your opinion on the topic if you have one and would like to share.

@TheKrayze1

A Chat with Love

“Hey Love, is that you? How have you been?
Me? Oh, I’ve been around, you know, just chillin’.
It’s really good to see you, do you have time for a chat?
Really? That’s great! We have so much to discuss in fact.”

“What have I been up to? Oh, not much really.
I spend some time with Stress these days, and you know how that can be.
Heartbreak seems to come around a lot more than I want her to.
In fact the last time I saw her I mistook her for you.”

“Loneliness drops by at least once a day,
I try not to listen to anything he has to say.
And Life is still a bitch! No lie.
You know the only way to get away from her is to die.”

“Enough about me Love it’s your turn, what’s good?
You don’t seem to come around as often as you should.
I’ve been trying to get a hold of you now for some time,
But even when you weren’t around I’d just think of you and smile.”

“Quite a bit of people have been trying to reach you Love,
Although all they seem to find are just imitations of.
I even have a friend that doesn’t believe you exist.
She feels that you’re imagined, a dream, fantasy or myth.”

“She thinks she may have glimpsed you once,
But it was Heartache in disguise,
I could feel her pain from miles away,
I could see it in her eyes.”

“You really need to meet her Love,
She’ll be hesitant at first, a little.
We can have a menage-a-trios,
With you right in the middle.”

“Actually Love, please stick around,
And stay as long as you like.
Point in fact, we wouldn’t mind,
If you stayed for the rest of our lives.”

@TheKrayze1

I love you, but..

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image.  Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”Thomas Merton

There used to be a time when love was blind to flaws and imperfections.  Remember?  Well, maybe you don’t, nevertheless, there was a time.  These days however,  in a society where everyone is on a mission to be perfect, they are also trying to grasp “perfect love”.  Lately it seems the only way to attain 100% of someone’s love is to meet some sort of condition or standard.  When did love become such a tangled web of requirements and contracts? The love I remember involved two people caring and accepting each other for who they were and not what they could be. Love isn’t about settling for someone who you think you can model or shape into the perfect soul-mate.  Isn’t the entire idea behind love to find someone who wants you for who you really are?

How many of you have been in a relationship and your significant other hits you with, ” I love you, but I want you to cut, (or grow) your hair “, or “I love you but you might want to lose some weight (and not for health reasons), or even, “I love you, but your breasts (just an example) are too small”, (or too big). I was taught that love is unconditional, which by definition means, “without condition or limitations“, not “I love you, but”, or “I’ll love you more, if”.  Human beings have a limitless capacity for love, so why are some of us trying to ration it out?

If you love yourself just the way you are, then so should everyone else.  If they can’t love you for you, then they can “kick rocks”.  We all have our own uniqueness and flaws that have shaped us into who we are and no one should try to dictate who we should be, or who they want us to be.  No one is perfect, but we are all perfect in the eyes of the ones that love us.  Unconditional love IS perfect love.

SN:(The same does not apply if you boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse is an alcoholic, drug addict, compulsive gambler, abuser, or any other serious condition or offense.  Some things you just should not overlook no matter how much you love someone. If you love them, get them some help or seriously think about whether or not you want to spend your life with that person.)