I Will NOT Go Down With This Ship

white flagI’m not a quitter. I never have been. It’s just not in my DNA. No matter how challenging or difficult something may be, no matter how much I’m getting my ass kicked, I’ll just keep coming back for more until I win, or figure it out (except for math, math can suck a dick). If there’s a level of a game that I can’t seem to figure out or a combo that I can’t get the right timing or input for, I’ll keep at it for hours until I’ve figured it out (Seriously, ask anyone that has played a video game against me or have sat and watched me play a level over and over and over again for hours). I just don’t know how to quit. I don’t know how to give up and accept defeat.

However, I’ve recently come to the realization that my fervor and tenacity doesn’t work for all situations, especially when it comes to relationships and the people who you love or care about.

I was sitting at my desk at work yesterday, tirelessly fielding calls from these whiny, bitchy, annoying ass, entitled feeling, can’t do anything for themselves, don’t know their ass from their elbow students (I think they get the picture Loren). Anyway, as I’ve stated in previous posts, in order to tune out the rest of the world I tend to have my iTunes playing in one ear while my telephone headset is on the other (Shhhh, I’m not supposed to do that).

I was addressing an issue with a student that had a SERIOUS stammer (another post to come about that shortly), when Dido’s “White Flag” started playing. If you’re not familiar with the song then you should go look it up on YouTube. What? I should just embed the video in to my post? What do I look like? Your fingers aren’t broken. How about I just post the lyrics? Good? Ok, glad we agree on that.


I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it
where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can’t talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of “it’s over”
then I’m sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I’m sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I’ll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I’ve moved on….

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

As I was saying, we all have that one song that can describe any instance in our lives to the letter, well this just happens to be mine. Without going in to detail, this song describes a point in my life when things were very…..complicated. I lived by the motto that anything can be fixed in a relationship and that if there is enough conviction that most relationships can be saved. What I forgot to factor was that it has to be a mutual effort between both parties for it to work. No one person has enough love or devotion for both individuals to save the relationship if one of them isn’t giving 100%. Am I trying to say that you shouldn’t fight for the ones you love? No, of course not. If you feel that your relationship is worth saving, then fight like hell for it, but only if your partner is willing to fight along with you.

I fought. I fought and I fought and I fought. I fought hard. In the end it was all for nothing. I learned the hard way that I could have saved myself a shit ton of pain and sorrow if I’d only l cut my losses and moved on. I learned the hard way that some things just can’t be salvaged by just determination and hope. I had to learn how to quit. I had to learn how to fight against every fiber of my being and walk away. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to learn. Some things just can’t be saved, and in most cases more damage and pain will be caused by continuing to fight.

I’m not a quitter by design, and I still struggled with this concept. No matter how many times I’d been hurt, ignored or shunned by someone I care about, some part of me was still willing to fight for that connection, that bond. Not any more.

I’m not a quitter, but I won’t go down with the ship.


(P.S. I caved. The link to the White Flag video is below. Enjoy.)


Practice Safe Sex, Don’t Use Condoms

DISCLAIMER: If you take anything I say in this post too seriously and for more than what it is then you’re a fucking idiot. The best form of safe sex is abstinence…..Good luck with THAT shit.

Condoms are the devil. Yeah, you heard me. THE DEVIL! When used properly and consistently, condoms are 98 percent effective in preventing pregnancy and the spread of STD’s (True shit! The internet told me!). What you’re not told however is the fact that it is all a LIE! A LIE I TELL YOU! Condoms provide sexually active men and women with a false sense of security. Now we’ve all heard that the safest sex you can have no sex, but if you’ve already had sex then you KNOW that shit ain’t happenin’. So what’s the next best thing? Contraceptives. And the list is endless when it comes to the supposed baby stoppers (No, I’m not going to list them).

I digress. Let me explain why condoms are evil. Aside from the fact that it just doesn’t feel right suffocating your penis with a piece of plastic (poor thing), with condoms you usually don’t know that things have gone wrong until after they’ve gone horribly wrong. For example, and fellas I know we’ve all had this happen to us at least once or twice at least right (No? Just me? FUCK!). So you meet a girl, things are going great and then the opportunity to do what you’ve been trying to do since you met her arises (literally). So you take her back to your place, or you go back to her place….or a hotel (what is she a hooker?), or her parent’s basement (ahh, I see, you’re a fucking loser), and then you start getting down to business. At this point everything is going great. You’re kissing, touching, groping, stroking, sucking (…..ahem), and practically tearing each others clothes off.

You know what happens next right? Time to get to work. However, because you don’t really want to be tied to this person for the rest of your life through a tiny screaming bundle of flesh that will turn into a money sucking gremlin on two feet (WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!….Dial it back a little James……….Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah..), you pull out that little golden square that’s supposed to be your Knight in Slimy Latex and risking losing wood while you speedily try to get this stupid thing on…..you strap up. Time to get to business. You slowly slide it in to her waiting love canal and although it’s not the ideal feeling, it’s not so bad. Actually, this still feels pretty good! So you guys start going at it, a mass of flesh and limbs rumbling around the bed, or floor or where ever until you can feel the ultimate climax building. You’re about to cum and although you don’t want this session to come to an end, there’s nothing you can do to stop it and you explode in to your love glove. You collapse in to each others arms reveling in the bliss post coitus when you reach down to clean up and realize the worst; your little barrier of protection broke and all your biological Bisquick is all up inside this chick….nuclear-bomb-panorama-xpost-from-pics-.gif


Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! (Go back and read what you just read again, expect smack your hands on your forehead and then say the OMG’s really, really fast..yup, just like that) WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?! Then the thoughts start running through your head. Was the condom old? No. Did you leave room at the tip? Yes. You know what? You should have known better. There’s no way that little  piece of latex was going to hold up to all that rigorous and passionate love-making. Then in a flash of lightning another series of thoughts run through your head; how do you fix it.
1. Not tell her. I mean do you know how complicated it is to get pregnant anyway? The stars need align themselves just right, Michael Jackson has to come back from the dead and sing Billy Jean in your bedroom and a tiny Indian needs to start doing the rain dance so that Pauly Shore can have an acting career again (Oh, Hey Michael I didn’t see you there. Why do you have a member of the Village People with you? Hey is that Billy Jean? I love that s…NOOOOOOOOOO!!)

2. Kill her and dump the body. You’ve watched enough CSI, so no one will ever find her….(Wait, on the off-chance you get caught, you would definitely go to prison and none of us are willing to risk being made someones bitch and getting fucked in the ass..)

3. Accept it. You’re going to be a father. Maybe this won’t be too bad. She’s pretty and she’s a sweet person. Your baby will be fucking BEAUTIFUL! Maybe she’ll be a good mother. But what if it doesn’t work out? What then? Then she’ll probably take you to court for child support. No, you don’t want that just yet, at least not from these circumstances. Time for plan b………PLAN B!!

4. Plan B. Yup the morning after pill. Problem solved. Now………….back to the sex.

Yup that’s right. Cause you didn’t just have a mini aneurism. So what sounds like a good idea to two supposed rational adults? Have MORE sex. I mean the damage is already done right?

Are you starting to see the problem that condoms cause? Do you know what would have solved this from the get go? The pull-out method. Hang on a second. Hear me out before you go calling me crazy and shit.

Think about it. Every guy knows they moment that they are about to cum. Not using a condom keeps a guy on his toes and alert (unless he was fucking lied to and was told by that lying bitch that she couldn’t get pregnant) and doesn’t create that false sense of security that condoms do. When they are about to cum they can whip it out and either have her finish him off (which no guy would refuse) or skeet all over her (which every guy wants to do). And I know what you’re about to say about the possibilities of her getting preggers by pre-cum but do I have to bring up again how hard it is to get knocked-up?

The only other option is to have her get on birth control. And unless she’s already on it, I don’t see that conversation going in your favor.

Please feel free to comment for or against my argument. I’m looking forward to reading what you guys think or any horror stories of your own that you might like to share.


Deep Sea Adventures

Don’t let the title of the post mislead you. I’ve never been deep-sea diving in my life. Shit, I can’t even swim (don’t judge me). It is relevant to the story so keep reading.

Back in my freshman year of college I met quite a few interesting people, especially women (no surprise there). Of the interesting people who I met that year, this story focuses around 1 in particular. Her name is Joy-Anne. Now Joy and I  started hanging out a great deal and over time I started to develop feelings for her. I’m not sure she felt the same way and at this point it doesn’t matter.

One night during the fall we were sitting in front of Wilkinson Hall (the name of my dorm), having a nice little chat. Now I happen to think that my conversations are very engaging, fuck that, I KNOW my conversations are engaging, so I have no idea what happened that night. Anyway, while we were talking, another male student whose name I can’t recall at the moment, started approaching us. At first I thought he would just walk past us and continue in to the dorm, but instead he walked up to Joy and whispered something in her ear. What happened next I will never, ever, forget.

After whispering in her ear, he extends his hands to help he up off the steps and they both walk off together, completely forgetting that I was there. No “goodbye”, “see you later” or “I’ll be right back”, nothing. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Words could not express how infuriated I was.

Therein lays the rub.

During our college orientation we were each given a good bag of items that included a lanyard with the school name and logo that I hung around my neck with my dorm room keys. In my anger at the aforementioned situation I took my keys from around my neck and hurled them through the air without thinking. A few seconds later I heard the telltale “plop” that indicated that my keys had found a home in the fountain that sat in front of Wilkinson Hall. Fuck. Now I have to get my feet wet to retrieve them. After taking off my shoes and socks and rolling up my jeans to a safe height I walked over to the fountain and stepped on to the concrete rim. The keys were far into the fountain but they were far enough in that they were out of arms reach.

I remember setting one foot in to the fountain and my feet making contact with the bottom.

That was all I remember.

From eye-witness accounts that were near the scene I was told that the minute my feet touched the bottom of the fountain I slipped, screamed out the word “shit” and disappeared beneath the surface of the water.

I don’t remember any of that. It all seemed to happen so fast that all I remember happening is me putting my foot in the fountain and then emerging from the fountain soaking wet. Needless to say I had to walk through the dorm lobby (after grabbing my keys of course), which  in hindsight had a lot more people in it that normal, and up to my dorm room to change.

I woke up the next morning reliving the events in my head and was grateful that my adventure occurred at night and there weren’t many people to witness my embarrassment. I found out later that morning after I walked into the cafeteria that I was greatly mistaken. Apparently between me going to bed and waking up to get breakfast, the news of my escapades had spread throughout the campus.

I had now earned the name Jacques Cousteau. FML.

Moral of this story? Shit, I don’t even know. Pick something.


Pardon me Ma’am, You seem Thirsty…

Desperation? That can be a justification for all kinds of behavior. -Jessica Walter

Earlier this week I wrote a post stemming from a conversation that I’d had with a friend of mine that made for very interesting “BlogFodder”(hats off to @ladyestrogen for the term). Well thanks to my best friend of over 10 years, I’m please to share with you another of our random yet inspiring conversations.

As it goes, I was home last night doing a bit of gaming before heading to bed when I heard the familiar light-saber chime (yeah, I’m a loser)  that indicated I had received a text message from my friend Horace. Upon opening the message I saw that it was a picture of a woman, (which it often is) that I’d never met.

Now before I continue let me share some things with you that may make things a little easier to understand. A few years ago Horace met a woman who’s name I won’t reveal even though she was a total bitch, dated her for a few months and after what seemed like true love decided to marry her. A few short years after that things went south and they inevitably got divorced. Since then he’s been truly relishing the single life and taking the opportunity to meet as many women as he can through Craigslist or dating sites such as Plenty of Fish. So getting a picture of a random new woman is nothing out of the ordinary. Let’s continue.

ME: Who’s this?

Horace: Some chick I just started talking to from POF.

ME: Oh ok. She’s actually kinda cute. How long have you been talking to her?

Horace: Monday.

Keep in mind that I’m writing this post on Friday or the same week.

(Another picture comes through, this time it’s a closer picture of her in what I just now realized was her bra taken of herself in with her cell phone in the bathroom )

ME: She’s really cute. Except for that mole smack dab in the middle of her face, but yeah, thumbs up.

Horace: Yeah, that mole. LMAO. I’m going to need her to stop sending me pics though.

ME: Why?

(In comes another picture of her, no bra this time. The picture stops right above where her nipples would be and it looks like she may be in the shower.)

ME: Um…Well… I still don’t see the problem here. Obviously she wants you to destroy her.

Horace: Especially with that last pic.

ME: Again, not seeing the problem.

Horace: Me either.

ME: You’re the one that said you wanted her to stop sending you pics!

Horace: Not so many of them.

(Yet another picture comes through, this time you can clearly see her breast and she’s dripping wet and obviously in the shower)

ME: Yeah dude, she really wants to get it. Did you ask her for nudes?

Horace: Nope.

Who sends unsolicited nudes to a guy that she’s only talked to for 4 days and hasn’t even met? In my opinion that just screams “low self-esteem” or someone who doesn’t give themselves enough credit and is either desperately seeking attention or is in some serious need for some penis action. What I’m confused about it why. I happen to think that this woman is quite pretty and wouldn’t need to be so hard up for some dick. I’m actually curious to meet her and talk to her and find out what her personality is like. Maybe that would shed some light on the amount of question I have running through my head right now.

What do you guys think? Am I wrong for thinking that this woman seems a bit “thirsty”? What reasons would there be for someone to behave in this manner? Do you think they are just inviting themselves to be used? Your thoughts on this matter would be greatly appreciated.



P.S. I wanted to include one of the lovely lady’s pictures so that you can see how cute she is, but decided against it. If you want to see her picture you can DM me and if I deem you trustworthy enough I’ll share it with you privately.

Happy Valentine’$ Day!

“I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day.  When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.”  ~Author Unknown

Initially I intended to write a poem for this festive day, but decided to go in a different direction.

Today, February 14th, is known around the world as Valentine’s Day. It is a day celebrated by giving our significant others greeting cards(originally called Valentines), flowers, and confections. On this day people are prompted to reflect on the love they have for a special someone or someones and as such express that affection. However, over the years this day has also served as a reminder for many single individuals (mostly women), of how alone they are and as such this day can be quite bitter-sweet. But has anyone actually stopped to think about how this day originated?

Valentine’s Day got its namesake from one or more Christian martyrs whose name was Valentinus. For those of you who aren’t familiar with what a martyr is you can click here. Any who, Saint Valentines was persecuted and killed because he refused to convert to Roman Paganism. That’s it. End of story. There were no romantic elements associated with him whatsoever. He wasn’t killed because he “believed in a thing called love” (hehe score for The Darkness reference. Over 1000 years later however, a man by the name of Geoffrey Chaucer(maybe you’ve heard of him), got the crazy notion to associate this day with romantic love in a poem he wrote in 1382, and because people usually don’t do their homework, they were bamboozled into thinking this should be a customary practice.

Here we are centuries later and this holiday has turned into a billion dollar business fleecing many for their hard-earned dollars. Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not bitter about today in any way. To be honest I think the initial concept behind this idea is a very noble one, but like most other holidays that we celebrate I believe it has lost most of its meaning in favor for commercialism. Sites like Proflowers, FTD and Hallmark are making a killing today (average sales ranging between $50 and $150) because people are spending 100’s of dollars on flowers, candy and jewelry. Think about this, I’m not sure what it’s like in any other state, but here in Maryland on any giving day I can drive by a little Mexican man selling a bouquet of flowers for only $5. Greeting cards are always on sale in most stores and chocolates and sweets are never in short supply. So what’s stopping us from showing our love each and every day? Don’t you think your significant other would appreciate the gesture on a regular basis instead of one misinterpreted day a year? I guarantee that if people put as much effort into showing love to their significant others all year round like they are doing today, the idea of Valentine”s Day would become obsolete.

Happy Valentine’s Day!


A Chat with Love

“Hey Love, is that you? How have you been?
Me? Oh, I’ve been around, you know, just chillin’.
It’s really good to see you, do you have time for a chat?
Really? That’s great! We have so much to discuss in fact.”

“What have I been up to? Oh, not much really.
I spend some time with Stress these days, and you know how that can be.
Heartbreak seems to come around a lot more than I want her to.
In fact the last time I saw her I mistook her for you.”

“Loneliness drops by at least once a day,
I try not to listen to anything he has to say.
And Life is still a bitch! No lie.
You know the only way to get away from her is to die.”

“Enough about me Love it’s your turn, what’s good?
You don’t seem to come around as often as you should.
I’ve been trying to get a hold of you now for some time,
But even when you weren’t around I’d just think of you and smile.”

“Quite a bit of people have been trying to reach you Love,
Although all they seem to find are just imitations of.
I even have a friend that doesn’t believe you exist.
She feels that you’re imagined, a dream, fantasy or myth.”

“She thinks she may have glimpsed you once,
But it was Heartache in disguise,
I could feel her pain from miles away,
I could see it in her eyes.”

“You really need to meet her Love,
She’ll be hesitant at first, a little.
We can have a menage-a-trios,
With you right in the middle.”

“Actually Love, please stick around,
And stay as long as you like.
Point in fact, we wouldn’t mind,
If you stayed for the rest of our lives.”


12 Most Important Things to Remember about Dating and Relationships

“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.”

For some, dating and relationships can be like searching for buried treasure on the ocean floor surrounded by blood-thirsty sea creatures. While you’re eager to claim the waiting riches, you don’t want to be eaten alive.
Dating can be scary. The scene can be pretty rough, especially if you’ve been out of the game for a while. Coupled with a boat full of self-esteem issues, soul-crushingly bad dating or relationship experiences and the ever-present fear of rejection and you can find yourself adrift, swimming alone in the dating scene’s predator-infested waters.
The rewards can outweigh the risks by a lot, and the ultimate reward – meeting that person with whom you’re meant to spend the rest of your life – is, to many, worth the risk. Fear not, however. There’s help for the unlucky in love. Here you’ll find a list of things that may help you navigate those choppy relationship waters.

    If you’re older than 35 and believe you’re too old to reenter the dating scene, I’ll ask you to take a moment. Look in the mirror. Raise your right hand. Now, slap the right side of your face. REALLY HARD. Do it again. That’s a good shot. Your age is an advantage, not an impediment. If you’re healthy, have a healthy self-image and aren’t the pimple-faced teen or self-involved jerk you may have been in your 20s then you’re in excellent shape. Your age shouldn’t be a factor. Don’t spend your time moping around your house because you’ve been single for a while and are convinced there isn’t anyone for you. Dating is for EVERYONE, regardless of age, including you!
    Confidence (not to be confused with arrogance) is important. If you’re arrogant, potential partners will see you as either a jerk or snob, or both, or something else entirely. When it comes to dating many men and women respond to confident, self-assured and assertive partners. Don’t be a shrinking violet. Be proud of yourself and let the dating world know you’re a force to be reckoned with.
    Beauty, or attractiveness, is more than mere appearance, more than a pretty or handsome face and a well-toned body. Pretty faces and ugly personalities equal a losing proposition for a potential partner. If you’re a beautiful person on the inside, assert your beauty. It will show on the outside in the way you carry yourself and the way you treat others. Don’t be sad if you aren’t magazine beautiful or male model handsome. You’re beautiful the way you’re designed.
    Television and magazines sell a specific, management-approved, largely Photoshopped image of so-called perfection. If you lack self-confidence and believe there is a single, socially approved brand of perfection, you may come to believe everything about the partner of your dreams has to be perfect. Don’t fall for that. Perfect is in your perception of it. Flaws can be cute and irresistible, too.
    Dating can be fun. While it’s important to treat it as business, it’s still possible to have fun doing it. Like many games, if you can’t see the fun in it, if you treat it completely seriously all the time, it can become tedious and uninteresting. Enjoy yourself.
    Though dating and, later, relationships can be fun, they need work. Entering a relationship thinking it will sustain itself is a mistake. Relationships require trust, communication and compromise. Flexibility is key. Routine maintenance keeps the relationship running.
    The same song and dance can get old quickly. Dating requires creativity. Don’t be afraid of spontaneity. Shake things up a bit. Be adventurous. It doesn’t always have to be dinner and a movie. There are lots of activities for you to try with a partner. Learning something new together can be fun.
    Dating and sex don’t necessarily equal a relationship. When dating, clearly state your priorities. Ask questions. Do some research. Sex can make or break any relationship, serious or otherwise. Sex is a high priority for some. For others, not so much. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page.
    You may discover your partner is “the one.” It’s relationship time! Whether it’s during an afternoon stroll or while sharing a good, side splitting, laugh, it can come at any time, that feeling in your gut that you’ve found your partner. Now the work begins. Remember rules 4,6 and 7.
    You may also discover your partner ISN’T “the one”.  Maybe he keeps leaving the seat up. Perhaps she saws logs when she sleeps. Whatever the case, you know things aren’t going well and this one isn’t a keeper. Dating isn’t a contract. You aren’t required to stay when things aren’t working. It’s good to know when to cut your losses.
    Break-ups are never easy. They are, however, occasionally necessary. Perhaps you’ll remain friends. Keep your options open. Explore yourself. Travel. Assess your strengths, weaknesses and figure out what you can do differently on your next date.
    Someone said, “If you want to be successful, surround yourself with successful people.” The same goes for dating. Good dates and, eventually, healthy relationships require good models. It’s a good idea to keep company with couples in healthy relationships. Negative people usually create negative outcomes, especially in relationships. Steer clear of people who enjoy undermining you, your partner or your relationship.

Dating isn’t as scary as you may think. Positive thinking, self-esteem, humility and a sense of adventure can help you on your path to finding Mr. or Ms. Right. Now grab your diving gear and jump in!