Changes

A few posts back I briefly mentioned that I’ve had some deaths in my family and as such it has made 2016 a very difficult year.

On May 1st 2016, I received the news that my father had passed away. This was not a shock. He had been suffering with Alzheimer’s for  a few years and I knew that it would only been a matter of time. I thought I was prepared for it but as it turns out you can never be prepared enough. After receiving the news and hanging up from my aunt I sat in my office for a moment telling myself that I know this moment would come and it finally did, but that didn’t stop the tears from flowing the way I expected it would. For some reason I did not think I would cry. Boy was I wrong. Before this moment I had never lost anyone really close to me and since then I’ve looked at death and the people who are a part of my life very differently. It opened my eyes to the fact that the people around including myself are getting older and at some point these people are going to pass from this world on to the next and there is nothing that I can do about it. That thought really shook me to the core. You would think that as a logical human being one would know that if you live, eventually you will die, and although we all know this basic truth when it happens it still comes as a shock to us.

Exactly one month from my family laying my father to rest, a woman who I lovingly refer to as my aunt even though she is of no blood relation passed away suddenly from cancer. This upset me more than anything cause unlike my father’s Alzheimer’s, this was sudden and we just didn’t have enough time with her before she succumbed to the disease. So within as many months my family had lost two people very close to us.

Needless to say I have become a different person since then. I’ve dropped in to bouts of depression and often have little patience for people. I go through period that fluctuate between happiness and apathy and have even had brief fleeting thoughts of suicide. While I HIGHLY doubt I will ever do harm to myself, I have come to the realization that my relationships with certain people have changed and I am slowly pushing people away from me. They say that our experiences in life change us. Some for better, some for worse. Not sure what direction I am headed in that regard, but I’m about to find out.

@thekrayze1 

Hello Again

Well hello there! It’s been a bloody long time hasn’t it? Well sorry, I’m not sorry. The way my mind works I need to be totally committed and invested in something for it to have my undivided attention and at present, writing and keeping up with this blog isn’t a priority.

You know what, let’s back up a bit, that last paragraph sounded a bit harsh and almost like give zero fucks about writing and this blog. I care about this blog and I do want to create steady and continuous content, but to be quite honest I haven’t had the drive and so many other things are occupying my time and resources that I just do not have the energy to keep up with the attention that this need. So to all my loyal readers (all two or three of you), I sincerely apologize.

To give you a brief look in to my world, I’m currently taking classes full-time with hopes of graduating next Spring, and while the drive is still there I might as well “strike while the iron is hot”. I’ve become more invested in my photography and am in the process of attempting at building a business from it, so that takes up a bit of my time when I’m not balls deep in my studies. I’ve had some deaths in the family and that has taken a physical and emotional toll on me but I’ll leave that talk for another time. There are a million other things that are dividing my attention right now and adds to a continuous stream of anxiety and stress but no need to bog anyone of you down with any of that right now.

Hope you’re all doing wonderfully!

@thekrayze1

My Mind In Turmoil

Two posts in one night/morning/day? This has to be some kind of a record. Anyway, like I said in my previous post. I can’t sleep. I have a shit ton on my mind and it’s starting to cause me some sleepless nights. What are these problems? Well without getting into specifics, my issues range from, money to stress to work to family and the list goes on and on. I tend to keep lots of things bottled up inside and it’s getting to the point where the pressure is building and the top is about to blow.

And I know what you’re saying, “You should probably talk to someone about it, it would help”. Yes, I’m sure it would help, but I tend to be a very private person and of the few people I would be willing to talk to about it, one of them I’m not allowed to talk to anymore and the other I don’t feel entirely comfortable sharing with because some of my issues involve them. I’ve found myself in a conundrum.

Just a few minutes ago I stepped outside to get some of the cool February air on my skin and it just so happened to be raining. Without thinking I walked in to the street lifted my face up to the sky and allowed the rain to dot my face. For a brief moment the cool drops of water seemed to clear my mind and everything sort of washed away. It was freeing to not care about who was looking at me from their apartment window or that they may thing I’m crazy. I allowed took a few deep breaths inhaling the cold air and allowed muscles to relax. I was momentarily at peace. If only it were permanent and that easy. My brief respite had to end.

If only I could really find a way to wash my problems and be happy again.

@thekrayze1

Dear Young Self

No one can give you better advice than yourself. – Marcus Tullius Cicero

#dearyoungself. For the last few days this hashtag has inundated Twitter with scores of people offering knowledge they would impart on younger versions of themselves. And, why not do this? What wouldn’t we give for an opportunity to change certain events in our lives? We’ve all had moments where we wished we could do things differently. The problem with that is where we are right now is a direct reflection of the choices we made in our past, some for good and some for bad. The problem with changing the past is you run the risk of erasing the good events that happened along the way. Would you really take the risk?

If I had the chance to sit down and have a talk with my younger self, I’m not exactly sure what I would say, but it would probably go something like this…

Dear Young Self,

You have such a brilliant mind and so much potential for greatness. You never had to put much effort into doing anything because it came easy to you. You used that ability to coast through the first part of your life and it worked. After you leave high school, things will not be so easy; and, someone should have told you that. Honestly, they probably did, but you were too arrogant to listen. Your pride will hinder you from achieving many things. There is nothing wrong with being proud and wanting to be self sufficient, but everybody needs somebody sometimes. That truth holds no less value for you. In the next 10 or so years you’re going to have to make some serious decisions. I won’t lie to you. Some of those decisions are going to be life changing. They may seem scary at first but I encourage you to take the risk. These years are going to go by in the blink of an eye (lol that rhymed). Don’t waste the time you have. Your mom and dad may seem overbearing at times but they have your best interest at heart, so you should learn to trust them more. Your brother and sister are annoying; and, I can’t tell you how to relate to them. But, know that if you need them, they’ll be there for you. You might get an earful, but they’ll still help you, well more so your brother than your sister, I’m not sure where her head is at sometimes.

Watch out for people that promise you things that are too good to be true because they are, and you’ll regret it if you trust them. Learn to manage your money better. You will learn to do so later, but it’ll benefit you if you start practicing now. Stay away from credit cards, until you’ve grasped a better understanding of them. It sounds like a sweet deal but it isn’t. You’re going to meet a certain person in a few years, and she’s going to change your life forever. Follow your heart, and try not to say anything too stupid. Call her more. You won’t understand what that means right now but you will. In fact, call everyone more; and, don’t be such a recluse. Don’t let that person leave. Put up more of a fight. Take this time to figure out what you really want to do in life. You already know. You just have to think about it. Now that you’ve figured that out, go after it with full force and let nothing stand in your way. You may stumble and fall sometimes but don’t let that dissuade you. Get back up and keep going. You’re strong and people will come to depend on you. You’ll be the best friend they ever have.

On your journey you’ll make some mistakes and that’s okay. No one is perfect. Some of the mistakes, however, have harsh consequences. Put some serious thought into what you’re doing before you make that final decision. Things are going to get rough later on, not just for you, but for everyone. Some of the choices you make will either help or hinder you. Whatever happens, don’t give up. See you soon.

P.S. Don’t let your camera get so close to the water. You’re not going to be too happy about what happens.

The conversation with my younger self would probably go something like that. I wouldn’t get too specific about anything because I would still want to be able to make decisions without knowing what was going to happen afterwards. I think life would be pretty boring if I knew what was around every corner. If given the opportunity, what would you tell your younger self?

 

@TheKrayze1

Love, I doubt it..

“Love, you know, is a funny thing; but the funniest thing about love is you never can tell if it is love, until you start to doubt it. Unknown

What do you do when you feel that all the love that you’ve been pouring out isn’t being reflected back at you? When you say “I love you” and they say it back but you just don’t feel it. They say they miss you terribly every time you’re apart but they don’t really make the effort to figure out a way to spend time with you. What do you do when they say “you mean the world me” and they can’t bear to lose you but you seem to be drifting farther apart? What are you supposed to think when you used to furiously text and email each other into the night but now you barely get an email a week? How are you supposed to feel when every time you talk on the phone and they say “I’m going to call you right back” but they never do? You wear your heart on your sleeve knowing there may be a chance that you’d be taken advantage of and maybe heart-broken, but you take the chance anyway.  Now it seems that your worst fears are being realized as it seem they are starting to care less and less about you.

You try to convince yourself, “Relationships have “cold” moments and this is probably just one of them”, but that lingering doubt still creeps and wiggles its way into the back of your mind. They’ve told you how they feel about you and you’ve done the same, so it seems everyone is on the same page, but why do you still feel this way? You’ve asked those closest to you for their advice and they tell you, “everything’s going to be all right”, “you worry too much”, “you’re over thinking it “, and so on and so on.  Maybe you are over-reacting.  Maybe you are thinking about it too much.  You don’t want to jeopardize a good thing because of your insecurities, but you can’t shake that gut feeling that something just isn’t right.

The mind has a funny way of kicking into overdrive when dread and despair surface, fueling our worst fears and leading us to believe that the worst has, or is about to happen.  It’s easy for someone on the outside to dismiss your fears and to tell you that everything is going to be fine, but rarely does it quell your mind.  It’s a natural occurrence for doubt to reveal itself in relationships from time to time, it’s all in how you handle it.  So…what do YOU do?

@TheKrayze1