My Mind In Turmoil

Two posts in one night/morning/day? This has to be some kind of a record. Anyway, like I said in my previous post. I can’t sleep. I have a shit ton on my mind and it’s starting to cause me some sleepless nights. What are these problems? Well without getting into specifics, my issues range from, money to stress to work to family and the list goes on and on. I tend to keep lots of things bottled up inside and it’s getting to the point where the pressure is building and the top is about to blow.

And I know what you’re saying, “You should probably talk to someone about it, it would help”. Yes, I’m sure it would help, but I tend to be a very private person and of the few people I would be willing to talk to about it, one of them I’m not allowed to talk to anymore and the other I don’t feel entirely comfortable sharing with because some of my issues involve them. I’ve found myself in a conundrum.

Just a few minutes ago I stepped outside to get some of the cool February air on my skin and it just so happened to be raining. Without thinking I walked in to the street lifted my face up to the sky and allowed the rain to dot my face. For a brief moment the cool drops of water seemed to clear my mind and everything sort of washed away. It was freeing to not care about who was looking at me from their apartment window or that they may thing I’m crazy. I allowed took a few deep breaths inhaling the cold air and allowed muscles to relax. I was momentarily at peace. If only it were permanent and that easy. My brief respite had to end.

If only I could really find a way to wash my problems and be happy again.



Dangers Of Insomnia

Why the hell I’m up so late is beyond me. Maybe it has to do with the fact that this has been an emotionally rough week for me with the tons of things I’m dealing with mentally. In either case I find myself up after midnight mindlessly flipping through the channels on the TV hoping to find something to entertain me until the Sandman pays me a visit. Here’s the thing. I think watching the tube this late at night can be a double-edged sword and I’m about to tell you why. On one hand there the chance that you may find something to watch that will numb your mind long enough for you to drift off into dream land, be it an old sitcom, a semi-decent movie, or random infomercials. THEN there’s the all to possible chance that you can run across Skinemax or in my case Real Sex.

I’m usually not up this late like I said earlier, but tonight I just couldn’t get to sleep. So browsing the channel guide I happened to stumble across Real Sex. I haven’t seen this show in FOREVER! I usually don’t watch it(not like I’m usually up to see it anyway) but my curiosity and obvious lack of sleep got the better of me. I don’t have anything against the show personally. In most cases it’s just exploring the different characteristics of sex in our society in a very non-judgmental way and most times it’s quite interesting. However I am flesh and blood human and I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t arousing in some cases. In the episode they were showing tonight, the bit that I caught was about this woman who had a sex workshop for couple in her home. There were 5 or 6 couples engaging in sex while taking tips and advice from this lady walking around the room critiquing them. To be honest it was actually quite impressive. These couples has broken down the barriers of privacy and modesty to engage in love-making knowing that others were watching and probably being aroused even more by the thought that they were being watch. I’m sure the experience was quite freeing. It was innocent, honest sex without any pornographic elements involved. It was pure. I admire them.

Sigh. My insomnia continues.