A Dick for a Day

I’ve been in a writing funk lately so my friend Jewels had the brilliant idea to return the favor of me totally sending perverts her way at her blog by sending me the most random and at some parts frightening post I’ve read as a man. Nah, just kidding (a little). I’m actually honored to have Jewels as my first every guest post. So after you read this and die of laughter or cringe in a corner somewhere, head over to her place and show her some love.. NOW!

 
What seems like forever ago James wrote a guest post at my place about what he would do if he woke up with lady parts. To this day people still find me through perverted Google searches like “man wakes with vagina” or “dude with vag & tits”. Thanks for bringing those freaks to my door, by the way. Anyway, the reason that he even wrote that article is because I told him all women have thought about what they would do with a dick for a day. He seemed a little reluctant to believe me so the time has come for me to repay the pervy Google search favor and tell you what I’d do with a dick for a day.

First things first, I want anyone with a dick reading this to brace himself. I’d say that a solid 70% of this is pure pervy, deprived, and sex related activity but the other 30% is straight torture to the penis. So let’s get to it, shall we?

Where else would we start but with morning wood? As a woman I’m not waking up primed for sex (even if I do enjoy morning sex) unless I’ve dreamt of Jason Statham. Therefore waking with a hard on ready to rock…that’d be freaking great! So, I figure I wake up, enjoy the tent show (and pray it’s an impressive one) and then reach for the lotion cause I’m about to get it on with my right hand. It wouldn’t end there though; I’d go into a marathon of jerking off. The left hand, the stranger, how quick can I make myself cum, and how quickly can I recover and do it all again! I’m going to find my perineum and massage the fuck outta that while I jerk off just to see how much stronger the orgasm is.  I want to know my cock and what I like to a T before I leave that bed.

Of course if I had a dick for a day I’m going to see if I can blow myself because maybe, just maybe, I can! After I’ve sufficiently crusted my sheets and covered my belly with splooge it’s going to be time for a shower. I can’t get in until I pee though, standing up; oh the novelty! This is huge for me because I’m pretty fucking sure it’s not that hard to hit the fucking water and not make a mess, so I have to prove this point.

I’m going to have a field day in the shower! Soapy and slippery I’m going to paint on the glass doors, make cock head prints, ball prints, soap myself up, then likely get hard and jerk off again. Then I’m going to play with my balls, fondle them a bit, then sadistically twist and pull on them just to test how sensitive they REALLY are. I want to know the threshold between “ehh” and “OOOWWW”. When I was done fondling my balls…and trimming that shit up by the way…I’d dry off. I’d be toweling off when I remembered that time that guy flapped his cock against a towel to make me laugh and immediately I’d have to do it. This would lead to me doing penis copters and flapping my junk ala Jenna Marbles “Bounce That Dick” video (and likely cracking up).

When I was done with my dick acrobatics I’d get dressed, but I’m totally going to free ball it! If I only have a dick for one day I’m going to jog to my car (and likely everywhere else that day) just to feel that shit swinging around in my pants. When my junk shifts, sticks to my legs, or otherwise gets out of line, I’m going to adjust myself, unabashedly. I’m going to fondle myself in public the way only men can, without any shame. Hell, I’m going to play a little pocket hockey and sport a raging boner in public while talking to people with a straight face while I’m at it. It’s going to be AMAZING!

So, I’m clearly heading to my best friend’s place and making good on all those times we said “if only you had a dick…we’d be perfect together” cause no way am I NOT getting a blowy! Oh, I’m getting a blowjob, a hand job, and I’m titty fucking her. Note: This is all hypothetical cause no way could I engage in sexual acts with her BUT assuming I still look like me with a cock…she’s the only one who would fuck me…so yeah, I’m going to bone her…hard! Once we’ve forgone all that foreplay I’m taking her to pound town on the fuck truck (Thank you Krayze for that phrase). We’re boning with and without a condom so I can finally understand why so many men beg to go bareback (I’m pretty sure that’s a con job). I honestly can’t imagine the sensations from the other side so this is the part I am really excited about.

After we’re done screwing it’s time to get into some sadistic shit. This dick is a one-day deal so I can torture it. First I’m going to see what else I stick my dick in? I’m going to try to fuck a vacuum hose, the gap in sofa cushions, a watermelon, and anything else that looks inviting or cylindrical. Then it’s time for the torture tests now that I’m done with it for the most part. I’m letting my friend straight kick me in the dick, backhand it, hit a ball at my crotch, and grab and twist my balls. I need to know how bad it really is. A mans tolerance for pain is way lower than a woman’s so I’m pretty sure I can judge the true nature of the pain.

If I’m feeling REALLY altruistic maybe I’ll let all my friends come over and give them HONEST feedback on blowjobs, hand jobs, and sex. They get to perform on me and I’ll give them constructive criticism…cause I’m nice like that. At the end of the day I’ll head to a guy friend’s house and try to game for a bit…cause I’m pretty sure I’d need to have a dick before I ever enjoyed that waste of time. Then I’d head home, rub one out, and fall asleep immediately.

I honestly would have a field day…for a day…then you can have that shit back. I enjoy my tits and vagina way too much to keep that dangly junk. So, ladies and gentlemen, that is what I would do if I had a dick for a day. What would you do with the opposite genders naughty bits for a day?

@According2Jewls

 

jewelsJewels is a writer who is working on a YA novel series when not writing at her blog, According to Jewels, or fulfilling her Senior Editor role at The Indie Chicks (an online magazine). You can reach her on her blog, twitter, or Facebook…and please do, she’s a little low on stalkers.

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I Will NOT Go Down With This Ship

white flagI’m not a quitter. I never have been. It’s just not in my DNA. No matter how challenging or difficult something may be, no matter how much I’m getting my ass kicked, I’ll just keep coming back for more until I win, or figure it out (except for math, math can suck a dick). If there’s a level of a game that I can’t seem to figure out or a combo that I can’t get the right timing or input for, I’ll keep at it for hours until I’ve figured it out (Seriously, ask anyone that has played a video game against me or have sat and watched me play a level over and over and over again for hours). I just don’t know how to quit. I don’t know how to give up and accept defeat.

However, I’ve recently come to the realization that my fervor and tenacity doesn’t work for all situations, especially when it comes to relationships and the people who you love or care about.

I was sitting at my desk at work yesterday, tirelessly fielding calls from these whiny, bitchy, annoying ass, entitled feeling, can’t do anything for themselves, don’t know their ass from their elbow students (I think they get the picture Loren). Anyway, as I’ve stated in previous posts, in order to tune out the rest of the world I tend to have my iTunes playing in one ear while my telephone headset is on the other (Shhhh, I’m not supposed to do that).

I was addressing an issue with a student that had a SERIOUS stammer (another post to come about that shortly), when Dido’s “White Flag” started playing. If you’re not familiar with the song then you should go look it up on YouTube. What? I should just embed the video in to my post? What do I look like? Your fingers aren’t broken. How about I just post the lyrics? Good? Ok, glad we agree on that.

WHITE FLAG

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it
where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can’t talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of “it’s over”
then I’m sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I’m sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I’ll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I’ve moved on….

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

As I was saying, we all have that one song that can describe any instance in our lives to the letter, well this just happens to be mine. Without going in to detail, this song describes a point in my life when things were very…..complicated. I lived by the motto that anything can be fixed in a relationship and that if there is enough conviction that most relationships can be saved. What I forgot to factor was that it has to be a mutual effort between both parties for it to work. No one person has enough love or devotion for both individuals to save the relationship if one of them isn’t giving 100%. Am I trying to say that you shouldn’t fight for the ones you love? No, of course not. If you feel that your relationship is worth saving, then fight like hell for it, but only if your partner is willing to fight along with you.

I fought. I fought and I fought and I fought. I fought hard. In the end it was all for nothing. I learned the hard way that I could have saved myself a shit ton of pain and sorrow if I’d only l cut my losses and moved on. I learned the hard way that some things just can’t be salvaged by just determination and hope. I had to learn how to quit. I had to learn how to fight against every fiber of my being and walk away. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to learn. Some things just can’t be saved, and in most cases more damage and pain will be caused by continuing to fight.

I’m not a quitter by design, and I still struggled with this concept. No matter how many times I’d been hurt, ignored or shunned by someone I care about, some part of me was still willing to fight for that connection, that bond. Not any more.

I’m not a quitter, but I won’t go down with the ship.

@TheKrayze1

(P.S. I caved. The link to the White Flag video is below. Enjoy.)

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I Just Don’t Know…

confused_babyI have a daily routine. Come in to work, loathe my job, and go home. During my daily routine I tend to use my breaks and lunch for personal reflection and maybe jot down notes or write articles for my blog…much like I’m doing right now. Usually I have my earphones in and my music turned up to momentarily tune out the outside world so that I can focus on whatever it is that has my attention for the moment. Some people get the hint but most don’t and will STILL try to have a conversation with me even though I can’t hear a fucking thing they’re saying (I mean what is it with people these days that just don’t get the hint?).

There are times however that I’m in such a hurry to get my ideas to paper (Or to Microsoft Word in this instance) that I forget to throw up the “Do Not Disturb” sign by putting my earphones in and inadvertently welcome in all the crazy.

This morning I was sitting in the break room alone with my laptop open adding a few songs to my iPhone when in walks one of my female coworkers.  I pause for a brief moment readying myself for a possible random conversation that I’ll have no interest in of which I’ll have to fake my way through, but it doesn’t happen. Instead she walks to the nearby soda machine and proceeds to enter decision-making mode trying to decide on what carbonated and ridiculously overpriced beverages she might purchase(seriously, you should see the prices they charge for these drinks). After a few seconds of being on edge it doesn’t seem like I’ll be bothered so I go back to my perusal of iTunes.

I dropped my guard too soon.

Coworker: “I wish I had someone that I could have wild and crazy sex with on a regular.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Coworker: “(giggling) You know I wish I had someone that I could have wild and crazy sex with on a regular. I mean I have someone like that but…I want someone who whenever I call them they’d come over and spend the night and we could just get it in. I was talking to (another coworker) and the said that Aquarius people like to have sex and it’s true. If it were possible I would be having sex every single night.”

Me: “(nervous laugh) Um… good luck with that?”

I mean WHAT THE FUCK? How? What? Why? Why would you think it’s even remotely ok to say something like that so someone? How were you expecting that conversation to unravel? Then I thought about it for a minute. Was that her way of making a pass at me? Was that her indirectly direct way of saying that she wanted my dick? I mean, not like there was a snowball chance in hell of that even happening. I’m in no way even remotely attracted to this broad. Nope. No sir. If I was, it would have been a different story. Under different circumstances I would have gladly given her a business card for Rescue Dick Enterprises and given her a…..wait, I’m getting off topic here. Um…what was I saying, oh right, beaten with an ugly stick. And when I say beaten with the ugly stick I’m not really referring to her face. There are other attributes that contribute to her overall unattractiveness. If it’s not bad enough that she’s not the prettiest person in the world but her personality is very ugly as well. She’s always talking about someone behind their back while smiling in their face and she can’t keep anything a secret. If you want something to spread around the office don’t send an email, just tell….whoa, I almost dropped her name. This woman has very loose lips, and not in a good way either. Actually, having loose lips is never good in anyway…..I’m getting off topic again.

Anyway, HOW RANDOM WAS THAT SHIT?! This job, I swear.

@TheKrayze1

Male Bathroom Etiquette

urinalI’m not even sure where to start with this one. At first when I was entertaining the idea of writing this it was just based off of a few pet peeves that I have while using the bathroom. As I thought about it more I realized that I’d probably be doing the general male public a favor by laying down a few guidelines for male bathroom etiquette.

And ladies before you call me out for nit-picking, let me just say it’s not the same for us guys as it is for women. You guys use the bathroom as a communal gathering of estrogen to discuss matters of the heart, take duck faced pictures for Instagram and other trivial matters(I’m going to catch hell for that I’m sure). For men the bathroom is business only. Go in, do what you do, and get out.

However, I think some men have forgotten that there are rules in place for using the mans bathroom. Well since it has slipped the minds of some of you I’m going to refresh your memory with a few tips of what you should and should not do while in the bathroom.

  1. Do NOT talk to me while I’m using the urinal. Seriously, my penis is in my hand. For a man, this is one of our most vulnerable moments. We’re exposed and in no position do defend ourselves if shit goes down. We need to be on alert in case some shit happens and you trying to have a conversation about how shitty this job is or how hot Barbara from accounting is just takes away from my attention.
  2. Do NOT talk to me while you are using the urinal and have your penis in your hand. I’m going to respect what you’re doing and let you concentrate on aiming so don’t sabotage yourself by trying to strike up a conversation with me.
  3. If we are both using the urinals at the same time, we are NOT pee buddies. Do NOT talk to me. Your penis is in your hand and my penis is in my hand. It’s already awkward enough, so please don’t add to the weirdness.
  4. Speaking of simultaneous urination, if we are using the urinals at the same time please leave a one urinal gap between yourself and the other gentleman. This is non-negotiable. If you walk in to the bathroom and the only urinals that are free are the gap urinals, then FUCKING WAIT! That is not an open invitation to squeeze yourself in between two men. No Exceptions.
  5. Do NOT talk to me if I am using the bathroom stall or vice versa. Rules 1 and 2 still apply in this instance. Just because you’re behind closed doors still doesn’t mean it’s allowed. I mean chances are if I’m in using the stall it’s either A.) all that’s left is the urinal gap and I’m not going to be that guy (see no. 4) or B.) I’m taking a deuce. Which means my pants are around my ankles, another vulnerable position for a man. The gap rule applies for stalls as well but can be ignored since there is a partition separating you and I. HOWEVER, please do not let your feet slide under the partitions. You’ve been warned.

Here are also a few things to remember.
If you and another guy are at the urinals, don’t look over at him, stay facing forward.
If you get a little on the seat, wipe it off. I mean really how hard is it to get a piece of tissue and clean up after yourself.
This isn’t a fucking gym. There’s no need for all that grunting. You’re taking a shit not lifting weights. It can be done silently.
Talking is only allowed at the sinks among other men at the sinks. No cross communication should be had by any man washing his hands with another man at the urinal or in the stalls.
Wash your hands. No, seriously, wash them. If I see you leave the bathroom without washing your hands, it’s your funeral.

I HAVE SPOKEN!

@TheKrayze1

 

Practice Safe Sex, Don’t Use Condoms

DISCLAIMER: If you take anything I say in this post too seriously and for more than what it is then you’re a fucking idiot. The best form of safe sex is abstinence…..Good luck with THAT shit.

Condoms are the devil. Yeah, you heard me. THE DEVIL! When used properly and consistently, condoms are 98 percent effective in preventing pregnancy and the spread of STD’s (True shit! The internet told me!). What you’re not told however is the fact that it is all a LIE! A LIE I TELL YOU! Condoms provide sexually active men and women with a false sense of security. Now we’ve all heard that the safest sex you can have no sex, but if you’ve already had sex then you KNOW that shit ain’t happenin’. So what’s the next best thing? Contraceptives. And the list is endless when it comes to the supposed baby stoppers (No, I’m not going to list them).

I digress. Let me explain why condoms are evil. Aside from the fact that it just doesn’t feel right suffocating your penis with a piece of plastic (poor thing), with condoms you usually don’t know that things have gone wrong until after they’ve gone horribly wrong. For example, and fellas I know we’ve all had this happen to us at least once or twice at least right (No? Just me? FUCK!). So you meet a girl, things are going great and then the opportunity to do what you’ve been trying to do since you met her arises (literally). So you take her back to your place, or you go back to her place….or a hotel (what is she a hooker?), or her parent’s basement (ahh, I see, you’re a fucking loser), and then you start getting down to business. At this point everything is going great. You’re kissing, touching, groping, stroking, sucking (…..ahem), and practically tearing each others clothes off.

You know what happens next right? Time to get to work. However, because you don’t really want to be tied to this person for the rest of your life through a tiny screaming bundle of flesh that will turn into a money sucking gremlin on two feet (WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!….Dial it back a little James……….Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah..), you pull out that little golden square that’s supposed to be your Knight in Slimy Latex and risking losing wood while you speedily try to get this stupid thing on…..you strap up. Time to get to business. You slowly slide it in to her waiting love canal and although it’s not the ideal feeling, it’s not so bad. Actually, this still feels pretty good! So you guys start going at it, a mass of flesh and limbs rumbling around the bed, or floor or where ever until you can feel the ultimate climax building. You’re about to cum and although you don’t want this session to come to an end, there’s nothing you can do to stop it and you explode in to your love glove. You collapse in to each others arms reveling in the bliss post coitus when you reach down to clean up and realize the worst; your little barrier of protection broke and all your biological Bisquick is all up inside this chick….nuclear-bomb-panorama-xpost-from-pics-.gif

FUCK!

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! (Go back and read what you just read again, expect smack your hands on your forehead and then say the OMG’s really, really fast..yup, just like that) WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?! Then the thoughts start running through your head. Was the condom old? No. Did you leave room at the tip? Yes. You know what? You should have known better. There’s no way that little  piece of latex was going to hold up to all that rigorous and passionate love-making. Then in a flash of lightning another series of thoughts run through your head; how do you fix it.
1. Not tell her. I mean do you know how complicated it is to get pregnant anyway? The stars need align themselves just right, Michael Jackson has to come back from the dead and sing Billy Jean in your bedroom and a tiny Indian needs to start doing the rain dance so that Pauly Shore can have an acting career again (Oh, Hey Michael I didn’t see you there. Why do you have a member of the Village People with you? Hey is that Billy Jean? I love that s…NOOOOOOOOOO!!)

2. Kill her and dump the body. You’ve watched enough CSI, so no one will ever find her….(Wait, on the off-chance you get caught, you would definitely go to prison and none of us are willing to risk being made someones bitch and getting fucked in the ass..)

3. Accept it. You’re going to be a father. Maybe this won’t be too bad. She’s pretty and she’s a sweet person. Your baby will be fucking BEAUTIFUL! Maybe she’ll be a good mother. But what if it doesn’t work out? What then? Then she’ll probably take you to court for child support. No, you don’t want that just yet, at least not from these circumstances. Time for plan b………PLAN B!!

4. Plan B. Yup the morning after pill. Problem solved. Now………….back to the sex.

Yup that’s right. Cause you didn’t just have a mini aneurism. So what sounds like a good idea to two supposed rational adults? Have MORE sex. I mean the damage is already done right?

Are you starting to see the problem that condoms cause? Do you know what would have solved this from the get go? The pull-out method. Hang on a second. Hear me out before you go calling me crazy and shit.

Think about it. Every guy knows they moment that they are about to cum. Not using a condom keeps a guy on his toes and alert (unless he was fucking lied to and was told by that lying bitch that she couldn’t get pregnant) and doesn’t create that false sense of security that condoms do. When they are about to cum they can whip it out and either have her finish him off (which no guy would refuse) or skeet all over her (which every guy wants to do). And I know what you’re about to say about the possibilities of her getting preggers by pre-cum but do I have to bring up again how hard it is to get knocked-up?

The only other option is to have her get on birth control. And unless she’s already on it, I don’t see that conversation going in your favor.

Please feel free to comment for or against my argument. I’m looking forward to reading what you guys think or any horror stories of your own that you might like to share.

@TheKrayze1

Straight Eye for the Straight Guy

I thought about naming this post “No homo” but decided against it. In fact some things in this post might sound quite homo and I really don’t give a shit. Moving on.

Sunday I was watching Zoolander. This movie is one of my guilty pleasures, it’s so incredibly stupid yet unbelievable funny. If you’ve seen it then you’ll remember the scene where Derek and Hansel are about have a walk-off. When out of nowhere appears David Bowie looking as dapper as ever. Moments later I I tweeted “David Bowie is hot”. Within seconds one of my friends @replied “James is gay“. She was kidding of course but that got my mind to thinking, why is it that a woman can say another woman is hot but if a guy remarks that another man is good-looking people start to question your sexuality?

I’m a completely and fully heterosexual man who’s comfortable in his sexuality. Why can’t I say another man is good-looking? Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that I’m going to take every opportunity to make it known that a man is attractive, only in particular instances. Instances such as David Bowie popping up on-screen.

That being said, I’d like to make it know that I think Ryan Reynolds(top left) is gorgeous(ok that may have sounded gay). I would go gay for Ryan Reynolds(ok that sounded gay for sure). In all seriousness, the man is amazing. Apart from being one of my favorite actors, he has an amazing physique, one that I aspire to attain. Ryan Reynolds is my man crush, and I am not ashamed to say it.

While I’m on the subject I think I’ll add a few other men that I also find pleasing to the eye. Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Come on, you have to admit, he looks amazing in a well-tailored suit. Have you seen Inception? David Bowie of course even though back in the day his style of dress was a bit eccentric(whose wasn’t). The guy just seems to look better with age. Billy Idol is also somewhere on that list, but when he was the young, punk rock icon, not so much now. Actually, replace Billy Idol with Tom Hardy and lets finish up the list with Rain via Ninja Assassin.

Don’t judge me.

@TheKrayze1