A Dick for a Day

I’ve been in a writing funk lately so my friend Jewels had the brilliant idea to return the favor of me totally sending perverts her way at her blog by sending me the most random and at some parts frightening post I’ve read as a man. Nah, just kidding (a little). I’m actually honored to have Jewels as my first every guest post. So after you read this and die of laughter or cringe in a corner somewhere, head over to her place and show her some love.. NOW!

 
What seems like forever ago James wrote a guest post at my place about what he would do if he woke up with lady parts. To this day people still find me through perverted Google searches like “man wakes with vagina” or “dude with vag & tits”. Thanks for bringing those freaks to my door, by the way. Anyway, the reason that he even wrote that article is because I told him all women have thought about what they would do with a dick for a day. He seemed a little reluctant to believe me so the time has come for me to repay the pervy Google search favor and tell you what I’d do with a dick for a day.

First things first, I want anyone with a dick reading this to brace himself. I’d say that a solid 70% of this is pure pervy, deprived, and sex related activity but the other 30% is straight torture to the penis. So let’s get to it, shall we?

Where else would we start but with morning wood? As a woman I’m not waking up primed for sex (even if I do enjoy morning sex) unless I’ve dreamt of Jason Statham. Therefore waking with a hard on ready to rock…that’d be freaking great! So, I figure I wake up, enjoy the tent show (and pray it’s an impressive one) and then reach for the lotion cause I’m about to get it on with my right hand. It wouldn’t end there though; I’d go into a marathon of jerking off. The left hand, the stranger, how quick can I make myself cum, and how quickly can I recover and do it all again! I’m going to find my perineum and massage the fuck outta that while I jerk off just to see how much stronger the orgasm is.  I want to know my cock and what I like to a T before I leave that bed.

Of course if I had a dick for a day I’m going to see if I can blow myself because maybe, just maybe, I can! After I’ve sufficiently crusted my sheets and covered my belly with splooge it’s going to be time for a shower. I can’t get in until I pee though, standing up; oh the novelty! This is huge for me because I’m pretty fucking sure it’s not that hard to hit the fucking water and not make a mess, so I have to prove this point.

I’m going to have a field day in the shower! Soapy and slippery I’m going to paint on the glass doors, make cock head prints, ball prints, soap myself up, then likely get hard and jerk off again. Then I’m going to play with my balls, fondle them a bit, then sadistically twist and pull on them just to test how sensitive they REALLY are. I want to know the threshold between “ehh” and “OOOWWW”. When I was done fondling my balls…and trimming that shit up by the way…I’d dry off. I’d be toweling off when I remembered that time that guy flapped his cock against a towel to make me laugh and immediately I’d have to do it. This would lead to me doing penis copters and flapping my junk ala Jenna Marbles “Bounce That Dick” video (and likely cracking up).

When I was done with my dick acrobatics I’d get dressed, but I’m totally going to free ball it! If I only have a dick for one day I’m going to jog to my car (and likely everywhere else that day) just to feel that shit swinging around in my pants. When my junk shifts, sticks to my legs, or otherwise gets out of line, I’m going to adjust myself, unabashedly. I’m going to fondle myself in public the way only men can, without any shame. Hell, I’m going to play a little pocket hockey and sport a raging boner in public while talking to people with a straight face while I’m at it. It’s going to be AMAZING!

So, I’m clearly heading to my best friend’s place and making good on all those times we said “if only you had a dick…we’d be perfect together” cause no way am I NOT getting a blowy! Oh, I’m getting a blowjob, a hand job, and I’m titty fucking her. Note: This is all hypothetical cause no way could I engage in sexual acts with her BUT assuming I still look like me with a cock…she’s the only one who would fuck me…so yeah, I’m going to bone her…hard! Once we’ve forgone all that foreplay I’m taking her to pound town on the fuck truck (Thank you Krayze for that phrase). We’re boning with and without a condom so I can finally understand why so many men beg to go bareback (I’m pretty sure that’s a con job). I honestly can’t imagine the sensations from the other side so this is the part I am really excited about.

After we’re done screwing it’s time to get into some sadistic shit. This dick is a one-day deal so I can torture it. First I’m going to see what else I stick my dick in? I’m going to try to fuck a vacuum hose, the gap in sofa cushions, a watermelon, and anything else that looks inviting or cylindrical. Then it’s time for the torture tests now that I’m done with it for the most part. I’m letting my friend straight kick me in the dick, backhand it, hit a ball at my crotch, and grab and twist my balls. I need to know how bad it really is. A mans tolerance for pain is way lower than a woman’s so I’m pretty sure I can judge the true nature of the pain.

If I’m feeling REALLY altruistic maybe I’ll let all my friends come over and give them HONEST feedback on blowjobs, hand jobs, and sex. They get to perform on me and I’ll give them constructive criticism…cause I’m nice like that. At the end of the day I’ll head to a guy friend’s house and try to game for a bit…cause I’m pretty sure I’d need to have a dick before I ever enjoyed that waste of time. Then I’d head home, rub one out, and fall asleep immediately.

I honestly would have a field day…for a day…then you can have that shit back. I enjoy my tits and vagina way too much to keep that dangly junk. So, ladies and gentlemen, that is what I would do if I had a dick for a day. What would you do with the opposite genders naughty bits for a day?

@According2Jewls

 

jewelsJewels is a writer who is working on a YA novel series when not writing at her blog, According to Jewels, or fulfilling her Senior Editor role at The Indie Chicks (an online magazine). You can reach her on her blog, twitter, or Facebook…and please do, she’s a little low on stalkers.

Advertisements

Sexting 2.0 “What the Fuck?”

-accepted-memes-images-629461You know those conversations you have with your friends that may have started out one way, but somewhere along the way things take an extreme left turn and before you know it everyone is like “What the Fuck?”

Yeeeeaaaahh…

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday (who shall remain nameless per her request), when I introduced the word “Idiotard”. Now for those of you who are looking for an explanation to that word then you’re an idiotard, because anyone can see that the word means that you’re a retarded idiot. Anyway, after praising my genius she threw out the idea of creating conjoined words to describe sexual situations.

……………………………………Challenge Accepted!

It all started out fairly normal at first, but then things quickly spiraled out of hand, as you’ll soon read. Below you’ll find a glossary of terms that we’ve come up with so far. By the way, this may not be safe for work.

  • Sexhaustion/Pleasurathon: All definitions self-explanatory, or at least they should be.
  • Hairsmucking: Grabbing her hair while smacking her ass and fucking her doggie style.
  • Ridegasm: When you continue to pound that ass while she’s quivering and quaking during an intense orgasm.
  • Dualgasm: Again, self-explanatory.
  • Distractgasm: When crazy wild sex serves as a distraction from your furious anger. (Not to be confused with the anger bang.)
  • Milsing: Milking your cock by pulsing her pussy walls.
  • Boofing: Grabbing her boobs while fingering her.
  • Jerbling: Jerking him off while nibbling on his ear. (Not to be confused with gerbling which is just cruelty to animals in my opinion)

Here’s where shit started to go downhill…

  • Vagmoutt: The sexual Roshambo (rock-paper-scissors) over which orifice gets penetrated.
  • The Magician: You know, like pulling a rabbit out of a hat? This pulling his cock out of his jeans while he’s pants are still buttoned..
  • Discoballing: Cumming all over her face then sprinkling her face with glitter.
  • Pussy Flume: Pouring liquor down your belly and over your slick pussy and letting him drink from you.
  • Slurpee: Paying extra oral attention to the balls.
  • Snorkel: Oral sex in the shower….(Ok, that one was pretty genius)
  • Strobing: Having ass slapping sex in a room with a clapper.

Here is where things REALLY took a turn for the crazy and kinda offensive.

  • The Helen Keller: Blindfold, ball gag, and noise cancelling ear phones for an intense sexual experience focused only on sensation….(Actually….)
  • The Ray Charles: Blindfolded while music is playing..
  • Kriss/Kross: When a man cross-dresses then starts scissoring with a woman…(what?)

We need psychiatric help…

@TheKrayze1

Practice Safe Sex, Don’t Use Condoms

DISCLAIMER: If you take anything I say in this post too seriously and for more than what it is then you’re a fucking idiot. The best form of safe sex is abstinence…..Good luck with THAT shit.

Condoms are the devil. Yeah, you heard me. THE DEVIL! When used properly and consistently, condoms are 98 percent effective in preventing pregnancy and the spread of STD’s (True shit! The internet told me!). What you’re not told however is the fact that it is all a LIE! A LIE I TELL YOU! Condoms provide sexually active men and women with a false sense of security. Now we’ve all heard that the safest sex you can have no sex, but if you’ve already had sex then you KNOW that shit ain’t happenin’. So what’s the next best thing? Contraceptives. And the list is endless when it comes to the supposed baby stoppers (No, I’m not going to list them).

I digress. Let me explain why condoms are evil. Aside from the fact that it just doesn’t feel right suffocating your penis with a piece of plastic (poor thing), with condoms you usually don’t know that things have gone wrong until after they’ve gone horribly wrong. For example, and fellas I know we’ve all had this happen to us at least once or twice at least right (No? Just me? FUCK!). So you meet a girl, things are going great and then the opportunity to do what you’ve been trying to do since you met her arises (literally). So you take her back to your place, or you go back to her place….or a hotel (what is she a hooker?), or her parent’s basement (ahh, I see, you’re a fucking loser), and then you start getting down to business. At this point everything is going great. You’re kissing, touching, groping, stroking, sucking (…..ahem), and practically tearing each others clothes off.

You know what happens next right? Time to get to work. However, because you don’t really want to be tied to this person for the rest of your life through a tiny screaming bundle of flesh that will turn into a money sucking gremlin on two feet (WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!….Dial it back a little James……….Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah..), you pull out that little golden square that’s supposed to be your Knight in Slimy Latex and risking losing wood while you speedily try to get this stupid thing on…..you strap up. Time to get to business. You slowly slide it in to her waiting love canal and although it’s not the ideal feeling, it’s not so bad. Actually, this still feels pretty good! So you guys start going at it, a mass of flesh and limbs rumbling around the bed, or floor or where ever until you can feel the ultimate climax building. You’re about to cum and although you don’t want this session to come to an end, there’s nothing you can do to stop it and you explode in to your love glove. You collapse in to each others arms reveling in the bliss post coitus when you reach down to clean up and realize the worst; your little barrier of protection broke and all your biological Bisquick is all up inside this chick….nuclear-bomb-panorama-xpost-from-pics-.gif

FUCK!

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! (Go back and read what you just read again, expect smack your hands on your forehead and then say the OMG’s really, really fast..yup, just like that) WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?! Then the thoughts start running through your head. Was the condom old? No. Did you leave room at the tip? Yes. You know what? You should have known better. There’s no way that little  piece of latex was going to hold up to all that rigorous and passionate love-making. Then in a flash of lightning another series of thoughts run through your head; how do you fix it.
1. Not tell her. I mean do you know how complicated it is to get pregnant anyway? The stars need align themselves just right, Michael Jackson has to come back from the dead and sing Billy Jean in your bedroom and a tiny Indian needs to start doing the rain dance so that Pauly Shore can have an acting career again (Oh, Hey Michael I didn’t see you there. Why do you have a member of the Village People with you? Hey is that Billy Jean? I love that s…NOOOOOOOOOO!!)

2. Kill her and dump the body. You’ve watched enough CSI, so no one will ever find her….(Wait, on the off-chance you get caught, you would definitely go to prison and none of us are willing to risk being made someones bitch and getting fucked in the ass..)

3. Accept it. You’re going to be a father. Maybe this won’t be too bad. She’s pretty and she’s a sweet person. Your baby will be fucking BEAUTIFUL! Maybe she’ll be a good mother. But what if it doesn’t work out? What then? Then she’ll probably take you to court for child support. No, you don’t want that just yet, at least not from these circumstances. Time for plan b………PLAN B!!

4. Plan B. Yup the morning after pill. Problem solved. Now………….back to the sex.

Yup that’s right. Cause you didn’t just have a mini aneurism. So what sounds like a good idea to two supposed rational adults? Have MORE sex. I mean the damage is already done right?

Are you starting to see the problem that condoms cause? Do you know what would have solved this from the get go? The pull-out method. Hang on a second. Hear me out before you go calling me crazy and shit.

Think about it. Every guy knows they moment that they are about to cum. Not using a condom keeps a guy on his toes and alert (unless he was fucking lied to and was told by that lying bitch that she couldn’t get pregnant) and doesn’t create that false sense of security that condoms do. When they are about to cum they can whip it out and either have her finish him off (which no guy would refuse) or skeet all over her (which every guy wants to do). And I know what you’re about to say about the possibilities of her getting preggers by pre-cum but do I have to bring up again how hard it is to get knocked-up?

The only other option is to have her get on birth control. And unless she’s already on it, I don’t see that conversation going in your favor.

Please feel free to comment for or against my argument. I’m looking forward to reading what you guys think or any horror stories of your own that you might like to share.

@TheKrayze1

Rescue Dick

“There is no substitute for good, old-fashioned, mind-blowing sex”. – @Maneatersblog

A wise man once said, “A woman who has a platonic male friend is like having a dick in a glass jar; BREAK IN CASE OF EMERGENCY”.  As it turns out he wasn’t so wise, but there was some truth behind his words.

You know what I’m talking about ladies.  He’s that guy that does what he does so good, you’re guaranteed to have the “O-Face” every single time the two of you have sex.  Now this isn’t just run-of-the-mill booty call, any woman can have one of those if she so chooses.  No, I’m talking about that one guy, that “ace in the hole” (if you get my meaning), talent so good, it should be labeled and marketed and available only behind the counter (or on the counter), known for getting the job done each and every time. Well I’ve come up with a term for one so gifted.

RESCUE DICK.

Think about it.  In an emergency situation the protocol is to call 911, and they’ll send someone right away to your rescue. Well why should sex be any different? Why can’t there be someone to come rescue you from your sexual emergency? Now this may not be a guy that you’d normally have a meaningful relationship with. Either he has the IQ of a potato, or too fat, too thin, not too good-looking, (too good-looking), too full of himself, etc., but when it comes to doing the job right, he’s mister “johnny-on-the- G-spot”.

I sincerely believe that all single women, and even some who are dating, should have a Rescue Dick in their arsenal ready at a moments notice.

However, using said RESCUE DICK does come with its hazards, and like the Surgeon General, I’ve come up with a warning label, or better yet a disclaimer, that clearly expresses the dangers of using such a potent product.

Disclaimer:  Rescue Dick is for emergencies only.  Use of Rescue Dick will result in moaning of various natures, increased wetness, biting and/or grabbing of bed sheets, noticeable bites and or scratches over your body,  squirting and cumming nonstop, feelings of intense euphoria, and may cause the functions of your legs to temporarily cease. Rescue Dick is not for everyone.  Before use please ask your doctor if you are healthy enough to handle 5 or more intense orgasms.  Feelings of attachment, jealousy, and addiction can occur.  Please use Rescue Dick responsibly.

@TheKrayze1