I Will NOT Go Down With This Ship

white flagI’m not a quitter. I never have been. It’s just not in my DNA. No matter how challenging or difficult something may be, no matter how much I’m getting my ass kicked, I’ll just keep coming back for more until I win, or figure it out (except for math, math can suck a dick). If there’s a level of a game that I can’t seem to figure out or a combo that I can’t get the right timing or input for, I’ll keep at it for hours until I’ve figured it out (Seriously, ask anyone that has played a video game against me or have sat and watched me play a level over and over and over again for hours). I just don’t know how to quit. I don’t know how to give up and accept defeat.

However, I’ve recently come to the realization that my fervor and tenacity doesn’t work for all situations, especially when it comes to relationships and the people who you love or care about.

I was sitting at my desk at work yesterday, tirelessly fielding calls from these whiny, bitchy, annoying ass, entitled feeling, can’t do anything for themselves, don’t know their ass from their elbow students (I think they get the picture Loren). Anyway, as I’ve stated in previous posts, in order to tune out the rest of the world I tend to have my iTunes playing in one ear while my telephone headset is on the other (Shhhh, I’m not supposed to do that).

I was addressing an issue with a student that had a SERIOUS stammer (another post to come about that shortly), when Dido’s “White Flag” started playing. If you’re not familiar with the song then you should go look it up on YouTube. What? I should just embed the video in to my post? What do I look like? Your fingers aren’t broken. How about I just post the lyrics? Good? Ok, glad we agree on that.

WHITE FLAG

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it
where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can’t talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of “it’s over”
then I’m sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I’m sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I’ll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I’ve moved on….

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

As I was saying, we all have that one song that can describe any instance in our lives to the letter, well this just happens to be mine. Without going in to detail, this song describes a point in my life when things were very…..complicated. I lived by the motto that anything can be fixed in a relationship and that if there is enough conviction that most relationships can be saved. What I forgot to factor was that it has to be a mutual effort between both parties for it to work. No one person has enough love or devotion for both individuals to save the relationship if one of them isn’t giving 100%. Am I trying to say that you shouldn’t fight for the ones you love? No, of course not. If you feel that your relationship is worth saving, then fight like hell for it, but only if your partner is willing to fight along with you.

I fought. I fought and I fought and I fought. I fought hard. In the end it was all for nothing. I learned the hard way that I could have saved myself a shit ton of pain and sorrow if I’d only l cut my losses and moved on. I learned the hard way that some things just can’t be salvaged by just determination and hope. I had to learn how to quit. I had to learn how to fight against every fiber of my being and walk away. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to learn. Some things just can’t be saved, and in most cases more damage and pain will be caused by continuing to fight.

I’m not a quitter by design, and I still struggled with this concept. No matter how many times I’d been hurt, ignored or shunned by someone I care about, some part of me was still willing to fight for that connection, that bond. Not any more.

I’m not a quitter, but I won’t go down with the ship.

@TheKrayze1

(P.S. I caved. The link to the White Flag video is below. Enjoy.)

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Practice Safe Sex, Don’t Use Condoms

DISCLAIMER: If you take anything I say in this post too seriously and for more than what it is then you’re a fucking idiot. The best form of safe sex is abstinence…..Good luck with THAT shit.

Condoms are the devil. Yeah, you heard me. THE DEVIL! When used properly and consistently, condoms are 98 percent effective in preventing pregnancy and the spread of STD’s (True shit! The internet told me!). What you’re not told however is the fact that it is all a LIE! A LIE I TELL YOU! Condoms provide sexually active men and women with a false sense of security. Now we’ve all heard that the safest sex you can have no sex, but if you’ve already had sex then you KNOW that shit ain’t happenin’. So what’s the next best thing? Contraceptives. And the list is endless when it comes to the supposed baby stoppers (No, I’m not going to list them).

I digress. Let me explain why condoms are evil. Aside from the fact that it just doesn’t feel right suffocating your penis with a piece of plastic (poor thing), with condoms you usually don’t know that things have gone wrong until after they’ve gone horribly wrong. For example, and fellas I know we’ve all had this happen to us at least once or twice at least right (No? Just me? FUCK!). So you meet a girl, things are going great and then the opportunity to do what you’ve been trying to do since you met her arises (literally). So you take her back to your place, or you go back to her place….or a hotel (what is she a hooker?), or her parent’s basement (ahh, I see, you’re a fucking loser), and then you start getting down to business. At this point everything is going great. You’re kissing, touching, groping, stroking, sucking (…..ahem), and practically tearing each others clothes off.

You know what happens next right? Time to get to work. However, because you don’t really want to be tied to this person for the rest of your life through a tiny screaming bundle of flesh that will turn into a money sucking gremlin on two feet (WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!….Dial it back a little James……….Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah..), you pull out that little golden square that’s supposed to be your Knight in Slimy Latex and risking losing wood while you speedily try to get this stupid thing on…..you strap up. Time to get to business. You slowly slide it in to her waiting love canal and although it’s not the ideal feeling, it’s not so bad. Actually, this still feels pretty good! So you guys start going at it, a mass of flesh and limbs rumbling around the bed, or floor or where ever until you can feel the ultimate climax building. You’re about to cum and although you don’t want this session to come to an end, there’s nothing you can do to stop it and you explode in to your love glove. You collapse in to each others arms reveling in the bliss post coitus when you reach down to clean up and realize the worst; your little barrier of protection broke and all your biological Bisquick is all up inside this chick….nuclear-bomb-panorama-xpost-from-pics-.gif

FUCK!

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! (Go back and read what you just read again, expect smack your hands on your forehead and then say the OMG’s really, really fast..yup, just like that) WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?! Then the thoughts start running through your head. Was the condom old? No. Did you leave room at the tip? Yes. You know what? You should have known better. There’s no way that little  piece of latex was going to hold up to all that rigorous and passionate love-making. Then in a flash of lightning another series of thoughts run through your head; how do you fix it.
1. Not tell her. I mean do you know how complicated it is to get pregnant anyway? The stars need align themselves just right, Michael Jackson has to come back from the dead and sing Billy Jean in your bedroom and a tiny Indian needs to start doing the rain dance so that Pauly Shore can have an acting career again (Oh, Hey Michael I didn’t see you there. Why do you have a member of the Village People with you? Hey is that Billy Jean? I love that s…NOOOOOOOOOO!!)

2. Kill her and dump the body. You’ve watched enough CSI, so no one will ever find her….(Wait, on the off-chance you get caught, you would definitely go to prison and none of us are willing to risk being made someones bitch and getting fucked in the ass..)

3. Accept it. You’re going to be a father. Maybe this won’t be too bad. She’s pretty and she’s a sweet person. Your baby will be fucking BEAUTIFUL! Maybe she’ll be a good mother. But what if it doesn’t work out? What then? Then she’ll probably take you to court for child support. No, you don’t want that just yet, at least not from these circumstances. Time for plan b………PLAN B!!

4. Plan B. Yup the morning after pill. Problem solved. Now………….back to the sex.

Yup that’s right. Cause you didn’t just have a mini aneurism. So what sounds like a good idea to two supposed rational adults? Have MORE sex. I mean the damage is already done right?

Are you starting to see the problem that condoms cause? Do you know what would have solved this from the get go? The pull-out method. Hang on a second. Hear me out before you go calling me crazy and shit.

Think about it. Every guy knows they moment that they are about to cum. Not using a condom keeps a guy on his toes and alert (unless he was fucking lied to and was told by that lying bitch that she couldn’t get pregnant) and doesn’t create that false sense of security that condoms do. When they are about to cum they can whip it out and either have her finish him off (which no guy would refuse) or skeet all over her (which every guy wants to do). And I know what you’re about to say about the possibilities of her getting preggers by pre-cum but do I have to bring up again how hard it is to get knocked-up?

The only other option is to have her get on birth control. And unless she’s already on it, I don’t see that conversation going in your favor.

Please feel free to comment for or against my argument. I’m looking forward to reading what you guys think or any horror stories of your own that you might like to share.

@TheKrayze1

New Beginnings and the Pursuit of Happiness

It’s been 8 months. 8 months that seem long in retrospect but in actuality flew by quite quickly. New job, new attitude towards school, new friends, new problems and now a new year.

This is the first post I’ve written in 8 months.

Not because I’ve been too lazy to write or anything of the sort. No, not at all. In fact there were numerous opportunities that warranted me expressing my thoughts through words, but instead I kept them to myself. Instead I’ve been more focused on working and finishing school. I needed more focus and direction in my life and in order to do that I had to remove numerous things that were pulling me in 100 different directions. People, places, things, if I didn’t see a need for you, you were placed in mental storage or thrown out. It’s what I felt I needed to do and for the most part I don’t regret it.

However the need to write kept jabbing me in the back of my mind. Write. WRITE. WRITE! Still I refused. Most of my writing is emotionally charged, and if the emotion isn’t there I just won’t make the effort.

This is the first post I’ve written in 8 months and it’s wracked with emotion.

Today is the first day of a new year. 2013.It did not ring in the way I would have expected.

Despite my forward progress I still feel like my life is stuck in the mud. There are still aspects of my life that I’m not happy about and I’m not sure how it can be fixed. Going back to base zero has come to a stand still. In some ways I feel like I’m trapped in a cage with no door or means of escape, stuck in a perpetual loop of problem that have no visible solutions due to other problems that have no solutions. On the final night of 2012, I laid in bed watching a particularly depressing episode of Grey’s Anatomy, phone turned off not willing to communicate with anyone, being crush my the invisible weight of despair brought on by my knowing that another year is moments away and I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished enough in the one that is about to disappear.

This is the first post I’ve written in 8 months…..

@TheKrayze1

Pardon me Ma’am, You seem Thirsty…

Desperation? That can be a justification for all kinds of behavior. -Jessica Walter

Earlier this week I wrote a post stemming from a conversation that I’d had with a friend of mine that made for very interesting “BlogFodder”(hats off to @ladyestrogen for the term). Well thanks to my best friend of over 10 years, I’m please to share with you another of our random yet inspiring conversations.

As it goes, I was home last night doing a bit of gaming before heading to bed when I heard the familiar light-saber chime (yeah, I’m a loser)  that indicated I had received a text message from my friend Horace. Upon opening the message I saw that it was a picture of a woman, (which it often is) that I’d never met.

Now before I continue let me share some things with you that may make things a little easier to understand. A few years ago Horace met a woman who’s name I won’t reveal even though she was a total bitch, dated her for a few months and after what seemed like true love decided to marry her. A few short years after that things went south and they inevitably got divorced. Since then he’s been truly relishing the single life and taking the opportunity to meet as many women as he can through Craigslist or dating sites such as Plenty of Fish. So getting a picture of a random new woman is nothing out of the ordinary. Let’s continue.

ME: Who’s this?

Horace: Some chick I just started talking to from POF.

ME: Oh ok. She’s actually kinda cute. How long have you been talking to her?

Horace: Monday.

Keep in mind that I’m writing this post on Friday or the same week.

(Another picture comes through, this time it’s a closer picture of her in what I just now realized was her bra taken of herself in with her cell phone in the bathroom )

ME: She’s really cute. Except for that mole smack dab in the middle of her face, but yeah, thumbs up.

Horace: Yeah, that mole. LMAO. I’m going to need her to stop sending me pics though.

ME: Why?

(In comes another picture of her, no bra this time. The picture stops right above where her nipples would be and it looks like she may be in the shower.)

ME: Um…Well… I still don’t see the problem here. Obviously she wants you to destroy her.

Horace: Especially with that last pic.

ME: Again, not seeing the problem.

Horace: Me either.

ME: You’re the one that said you wanted her to stop sending you pics!

Horace: Not so many of them.

(Yet another picture comes through, this time you can clearly see her breast and she’s dripping wet and obviously in the shower)

ME: Yeah dude, she really wants to get it. Did you ask her for nudes?

Horace: Nope.

Who sends unsolicited nudes to a guy that she’s only talked to for 4 days and hasn’t even met? In my opinion that just screams “low self-esteem” or someone who doesn’t give themselves enough credit and is either desperately seeking attention or is in some serious need for some penis action. What I’m confused about it why. I happen to think that this woman is quite pretty and wouldn’t need to be so hard up for some dick. I’m actually curious to meet her and talk to her and find out what her personality is like. Maybe that would shed some light on the amount of question I have running through my head right now.

What do you guys think? Am I wrong for thinking that this woman seems a bit “thirsty”? What reasons would there be for someone to behave in this manner? Do you think they are just inviting themselves to be used? Your thoughts on this matter would be greatly appreciated.

@TheKrayze1

 

P.S. I wanted to include one of the lovely lady’s pictures so that you can see how cute she is, but decided against it. If you want to see her picture you can DM me and if I deem you trustworthy enough I’ll share it with you privately.

Dangers Of Insomnia

Why the hell I’m up so late is beyond me. Maybe it has to do with the fact that this has been an emotionally rough week for me with the tons of things I’m dealing with mentally. In either case I find myself up after midnight mindlessly flipping through the channels on the TV hoping to find something to entertain me until the Sandman pays me a visit. Here’s the thing. I think watching the tube this late at night can be a double-edged sword and I’m about to tell you why. On one hand there the chance that you may find something to watch that will numb your mind long enough for you to drift off into dream land, be it an old sitcom, a semi-decent movie, or random infomercials. THEN there’s the all to possible chance that you can run across Skinemax or in my case Real Sex.

I’m usually not up this late like I said earlier, but tonight I just couldn’t get to sleep. So browsing the channel guide I happened to stumble across Real Sex. I haven’t seen this show in FOREVER! I usually don’t watch it(not like I’m usually up to see it anyway) but my curiosity and obvious lack of sleep got the better of me. I don’t have anything against the show personally. In most cases it’s just exploring the different characteristics of sex in our society in a very non-judgmental way and most times it’s quite interesting. However I am flesh and blood human and I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t arousing in some cases. In the episode they were showing tonight, the bit that I caught was about this woman who had a sex workshop for couple in her home. There were 5 or 6 couples engaging in sex while taking tips and advice from this lady walking around the room critiquing them. To be honest it was actually quite impressive. These couples has broken down the barriers of privacy and modesty to engage in love-making knowing that others were watching and probably being aroused even more by the thought that they were being watch. I’m sure the experience was quite freeing. It was innocent, honest sex without any pornographic elements involved. It was pure. I admire them.

Sigh. My insomnia continues.

@thekrayze1

Happy Valentine’$ Day!

“I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day.  When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.”  ~Author Unknown

Initially I intended to write a poem for this festive day, but decided to go in a different direction.

Today, February 14th, is known around the world as Valentine’s Day. It is a day celebrated by giving our significant others greeting cards(originally called Valentines), flowers, and confections. On this day people are prompted to reflect on the love they have for a special someone or someones and as such express that affection. However, over the years this day has also served as a reminder for many single individuals (mostly women), of how alone they are and as such this day can be quite bitter-sweet. But has anyone actually stopped to think about how this day originated?

Valentine’s Day got its namesake from one or more Christian martyrs whose name was Valentinus. For those of you who aren’t familiar with what a martyr is you can click here. Any who, Saint Valentines was persecuted and killed because he refused to convert to Roman Paganism. That’s it. End of story. There were no romantic elements associated with him whatsoever. He wasn’t killed because he “believed in a thing called love” (hehe score for The Darkness reference. Over 1000 years later however, a man by the name of Geoffrey Chaucer(maybe you’ve heard of him), got the crazy notion to associate this day with romantic love in a poem he wrote in 1382, and because people usually don’t do their homework, they were bamboozled into thinking this should be a customary practice.

Here we are centuries later and this holiday has turned into a billion dollar business fleecing many for their hard-earned dollars. Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not bitter about today in any way. To be honest I think the initial concept behind this idea is a very noble one, but like most other holidays that we celebrate I believe it has lost most of its meaning in favor for commercialism. Sites like Proflowers, FTD and Hallmark are making a killing today (average sales ranging between $50 and $150) because people are spending 100’s of dollars on flowers, candy and jewelry. Think about this, I’m not sure what it’s like in any other state, but here in Maryland on any giving day I can drive by a little Mexican man selling a bouquet of flowers for only $5. Greeting cards are always on sale in most stores and chocolates and sweets are never in short supply. So what’s stopping us from showing our love each and every day? Don’t you think your significant other would appreciate the gesture on a regular basis instead of one misinterpreted day a year? I guarantee that if people put as much effort into showing love to their significant others all year round like they are doing today, the idea of Valentine”s Day would become obsolete.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

@TheKrayze1

A Chat with Love

“Hey Love, is that you? How have you been?
Me? Oh, I’ve been around, you know, just chillin’.
It’s really good to see you, do you have time for a chat?
Really? That’s great! We have so much to discuss in fact.”

“What have I been up to? Oh, not much really.
I spend some time with Stress these days, and you know how that can be.
Heartbreak seems to come around a lot more than I want her to.
In fact the last time I saw her I mistook her for you.”

“Loneliness drops by at least once a day,
I try not to listen to anything he has to say.
And Life is still a bitch! No lie.
You know the only way to get away from her is to die.”

“Enough about me Love it’s your turn, what’s good?
You don’t seem to come around as often as you should.
I’ve been trying to get a hold of you now for some time,
But even when you weren’t around I’d just think of you and smile.”

“Quite a bit of people have been trying to reach you Love,
Although all they seem to find are just imitations of.
I even have a friend that doesn’t believe you exist.
She feels that you’re imagined, a dream, fantasy or myth.”

“She thinks she may have glimpsed you once,
But it was Heartache in disguise,
I could feel her pain from miles away,
I could see it in her eyes.”

“You really need to meet her Love,
She’ll be hesitant at first, a little.
We can have a menage-a-trios,
With you right in the middle.”

“Actually Love, please stick around,
And stay as long as you like.
Point in fact, we wouldn’t mind,
If you stayed for the rest of our lives.”

@TheKrayze1