A Vicious Cycle of Shit

I hate my job.

Well no, I don’t. I actually don’t mind my job. For what it’s worth it’s actually a pretty nice and cushy place to work. I have excellent benefits, I have the ability to work from the comfort of my home, they pay for me to attend college and it’s not too far from where I live.

That being said, I don’t make enough money to live reasonably. Note I did not say comfortably, I said reasonably. Here’s what I mean. As a fully functioning adult, I don’t get paid enough to afford a place on my own. Like how fucking pathetic is that. Between paying rent, which I split between a number of people, groceries, various utility bills, and the need for some form of entertainment from time to time, I barely have enough money to make it to my next pay check yet alone put aside anything in to my savings account for a rainy day. I have a POS car that I would love to get rid of and procure a new one but in order for me to do that I would have to sacrifice rents or some of my other bills. I would like to purchase a house and some point but that would require having very little debt, forgoing trying to purchase a new or lightly used car and being able to put aside a considerable amount in to my savings/checking account. As some of you may know or have read my father passed away recently, which incurred some very sudden expense that resulted in the depletion of most of my savings and high balances of my credit cards at which currently I’ve been putting every little bit of money I have in to bringing those balances under control. All of these issues I think could be alleviated if I were being paid more money.

Without going in to too much detail, my current company doesn’t follow a sensible pay scale which results in unqualified and those in some higher positions to be paid salaries that are an ocean’s gap away from us regular employees. As a result most of us get paid just enough to be broke, while the other half get paid way more than they are worth or deserve. On second though, I’ll stick with my original statement….

I hate my job.

@thekrayze1

 

 

Changes

A few posts back I briefly mentioned that I’ve had some deaths in my family and as such it has made 2016 a very difficult year.

On May 1st 2016, I received the news that my father had passed away. This was not a shock. He had been suffering with Alzheimer’s for  a few years and I knew that it would only been a matter of time. I thought I was prepared for it but as it turns out you can never be prepared enough. After receiving the news and hanging up from my aunt I sat in my office for a moment telling myself that I know this moment would come and it finally did, but that didn’t stop the tears from flowing the way I expected it would. For some reason I did not think I would cry. Boy was I wrong. Before this moment I had never lost anyone really close to me and since then I’ve looked at death and the people who are a part of my life very differently. It opened my eyes to the fact that the people around including myself are getting older and at some point these people are going to pass from this world on to the next and there is nothing that I can do about it. That thought really shook me to the core. You would think that as a logical human being one would know that if you live, eventually you will die, and although we all know this basic truth when it happens it still comes as a shock to us.

Exactly one month from my family laying my father to rest, a woman who I lovingly refer to as my aunt even though she is of no blood relation passed away suddenly from cancer. This upset me more than anything cause unlike my father’s Alzheimer’s, this was sudden and we just didn’t have enough time with her before she succumbed to the disease. So within as many months my family had lost two people very close to us.

Needless to say I have become a different person since then. I’ve dropped in to bouts of depression and often have little patience for people. I go through period that fluctuate between happiness and apathy and have even had brief fleeting thoughts of suicide. While I HIGHLY doubt I will ever do harm to myself, I have come to the realization that my relationships with certain people have changed and I am slowly pushing people away from me. They say that our experiences in life change us. Some for better, some for worse. Not sure what direction I am headed in that regard, but I’m about to find out.

@thekrayze1