D.S.I.D.A.A.K: The Fire

I’ve done quite a few things in my life that I’m not proud of. I’ve done even MORE things in my life that makes me wonder how the hell I ever made it past the age of 15?

Case in point.

I love fire. Anyone that knows me, knows that I love watching things burn. “Some men just want to watch the world burn” – Alfred Pennyworth. I’m one of those men. Maybe “the world” is a drastic exaggeration, but I am a pyromaniac, but a good one if there is such a thing. I guess you can call me a pleasant pyromaniac. I’m not the “raving, set everything and everyone on fire and watch them burn and scream in agony” type of pyromaniac, just the “wow that is a pretty lovely blaze and it feels so warm and comforting” type of pyromaniac. There’s more of an artistic appreciation in my love of the hot stuff. The elegant dancing of flames as they consume and devour everything in their path while giving off such radiant warmth has always been a pleasurable experience (I mean…as long as no one was in danger or anything am I right? That guy knows what I’m talking about). Some years ago, I watched as my neighbor’s house across the way burn to the ground (with them not in it of course) and remembered thinking, “THIS. IS. AWESOME“! HEY!….No judging.

Anyway, I digress. I wanted to tell you guys a story. None sure when it started, but my first experience with setting things ablaze started when I was around 8 years old. Hurricane Hugo had recently blown through my island and left it completely devastated. People lost their homes and everyone was without power. By some good fortune however, and possibly excellent structural engineering, my house was one of the few left unaffected by the storm. A few months after the hurricane, after things had settled a bit and school was back in session, a friend of mine came over and we were doing homework in my bedroom. To this day I don’t know where she got the cigarette light from, but out of no where she had one in her hand and with a broad smile on her face said, “Look at what I have?!”

It all went downhill from there. Quickly grabbing the lighter from her, my first instinct was to burn something, but seeing as the smell of smoke would be the fast track to an ass-whoopin, I was force to find an alternate way to place the lighter to good use. Fancying my self a brave explorer, I decided to adventure under my bed to see what I could find using the lighter as my torch. So with “torch” in hand myself and my brave companion braved the underneath of my bed cave in search of whatever treasures it might hold. However, that got boring quickly, well at least to her anyway. After a few minutes she gave up and went back to homework, prompting me to do the same, and in hindsight I should have listened, but I was still having fun. Braving one last trek under the bed I decided to get back to homework.

Not sure if you guys are familiar with what bed were made of back in 1989, but they were primarily composed of a box spring on the bottom and a mattress to rest on top of it. Back on the day these “box springs” had a papery cloth-like material lining the bottom to hide the wood frame that the box was made of. What I know now, but didn’t have a clue about back then, was that is HIGHLY flammable.

At this point in time I’d returned to my homework completely oblivious to the small fire I’d started under my bed. My friend Jennie however, wasn’t.

“The bed is on fire.”

She’d said it so softly at first I thought she was kidding, but the second time she said it there was a sense that something was terribly wrong. While I couldn’t see the fire yet, there was a small plume of smoke coming from underneath the bed. On further examination, what clearly happened while I was pretending to be Indiana Jones, was that I inadvertently set the material under the box-spring on fire and it was spreading rapidly.

Now, if you remember correctly, I’M 8! And the first thing an 8-year-old does is panic, while simultaneously trying to figure out a way to put the fire out WITHOUT involving an adult and any guaranteed repercussions that would come with that decision. So in my panic and small little idiot 8 year old brain, I put together a plan of action.

Need water to put out the fire. <— Good Idea!
Will cup the water in my hand and carry it from the bathroom to my room and throw it up under the bed. <—You stupid fucking idiot!

So after 3 or 4 trips back and forth with no progress to show for it, my friend decided to get a grown up involved, which was clearly the first things that should have been done.

Needless to say, severe ass-whoopin’s were promptly handed out once the fire was put out and I was out of a bed. Her for having the lighter, and me for almost burning the house down.

Man, I did some dumb shit as a kid.

@thekrayze1

 

A Dick for a Day

I’ve been in a writing funk lately so my friend Jewels had the brilliant idea to return the favor of me totally sending perverts her way at her blog by sending me the most random and at some parts frightening post I’ve read as a man. Nah, just kidding (a little). I’m actually honored to have Jewels as my first every guest post. So after you read this and die of laughter or cringe in a corner somewhere, head over to her place and show her some love.. NOW!

 
What seems like forever ago James wrote a guest post at my place about what he would do if he woke up with lady parts. To this day people still find me through perverted Google searches like “man wakes with vagina” or “dude with vag & tits”. Thanks for bringing those freaks to my door, by the way. Anyway, the reason that he even wrote that article is because I told him all women have thought about what they would do with a dick for a day. He seemed a little reluctant to believe me so the time has come for me to repay the pervy Google search favor and tell you what I’d do with a dick for a day.

First things first, I want anyone with a dick reading this to brace himself. I’d say that a solid 70% of this is pure pervy, deprived, and sex related activity but the other 30% is straight torture to the penis. So let’s get to it, shall we?

Where else would we start but with morning wood? As a woman I’m not waking up primed for sex (even if I do enjoy morning sex) unless I’ve dreamt of Jason Statham. Therefore waking with a hard on ready to rock…that’d be freaking great! So, I figure I wake up, enjoy the tent show (and pray it’s an impressive one) and then reach for the lotion cause I’m about to get it on with my right hand. It wouldn’t end there though; I’d go into a marathon of jerking off. The left hand, the stranger, how quick can I make myself cum, and how quickly can I recover and do it all again! I’m going to find my perineum and massage the fuck outta that while I jerk off just to see how much stronger the orgasm is.  I want to know my cock and what I like to a T before I leave that bed.

Of course if I had a dick for a day I’m going to see if I can blow myself because maybe, just maybe, I can! After I’ve sufficiently crusted my sheets and covered my belly with splooge it’s going to be time for a shower. I can’t get in until I pee though, standing up; oh the novelty! This is huge for me because I’m pretty fucking sure it’s not that hard to hit the fucking water and not make a mess, so I have to prove this point.

I’m going to have a field day in the shower! Soapy and slippery I’m going to paint on the glass doors, make cock head prints, ball prints, soap myself up, then likely get hard and jerk off again. Then I’m going to play with my balls, fondle them a bit, then sadistically twist and pull on them just to test how sensitive they REALLY are. I want to know the threshold between “ehh” and “OOOWWW”. When I was done fondling my balls…and trimming that shit up by the way…I’d dry off. I’d be toweling off when I remembered that time that guy flapped his cock against a towel to make me laugh and immediately I’d have to do it. This would lead to me doing penis copters and flapping my junk ala Jenna Marbles “Bounce That Dick” video (and likely cracking up).

When I was done with my dick acrobatics I’d get dressed, but I’m totally going to free ball it! If I only have a dick for one day I’m going to jog to my car (and likely everywhere else that day) just to feel that shit swinging around in my pants. When my junk shifts, sticks to my legs, or otherwise gets out of line, I’m going to adjust myself, unabashedly. I’m going to fondle myself in public the way only men can, without any shame. Hell, I’m going to play a little pocket hockey and sport a raging boner in public while talking to people with a straight face while I’m at it. It’s going to be AMAZING!

So, I’m clearly heading to my best friend’s place and making good on all those times we said “if only you had a dick…we’d be perfect together” cause no way am I NOT getting a blowy! Oh, I’m getting a blowjob, a hand job, and I’m titty fucking her. Note: This is all hypothetical cause no way could I engage in sexual acts with her BUT assuming I still look like me with a cock…she’s the only one who would fuck me…so yeah, I’m going to bone her…hard! Once we’ve forgone all that foreplay I’m taking her to pound town on the fuck truck (Thank you Krayze for that phrase). We’re boning with and without a condom so I can finally understand why so many men beg to go bareback (I’m pretty sure that’s a con job). I honestly can’t imagine the sensations from the other side so this is the part I am really excited about.

After we’re done screwing it’s time to get into some sadistic shit. This dick is a one-day deal so I can torture it. First I’m going to see what else I stick my dick in? I’m going to try to fuck a vacuum hose, the gap in sofa cushions, a watermelon, and anything else that looks inviting or cylindrical. Then it’s time for the torture tests now that I’m done with it for the most part. I’m letting my friend straight kick me in the dick, backhand it, hit a ball at my crotch, and grab and twist my balls. I need to know how bad it really is. A mans tolerance for pain is way lower than a woman’s so I’m pretty sure I can judge the true nature of the pain.

If I’m feeling REALLY altruistic maybe I’ll let all my friends come over and give them HONEST feedback on blowjobs, hand jobs, and sex. They get to perform on me and I’ll give them constructive criticism…cause I’m nice like that. At the end of the day I’ll head to a guy friend’s house and try to game for a bit…cause I’m pretty sure I’d need to have a dick before I ever enjoyed that waste of time. Then I’d head home, rub one out, and fall asleep immediately.

I honestly would have a field day…for a day…then you can have that shit back. I enjoy my tits and vagina way too much to keep that dangly junk. So, ladies and gentlemen, that is what I would do if I had a dick for a day. What would you do with the opposite genders naughty bits for a day?

@According2Jewls

 

Jewels is a writer who is working on a YA novel series when not writing at her blog, According to Jewels, or fulfilling her Senior Editor role at The Indie Chicks (an online magazine). You can reach her on her blog, twitter, or Facebook…and please do, she’s a little low on stalkers.

Sexting 2.0 “What the Fuck?”

You know those conversations you have with your friends that may have started out one way, but somewhere along the way things take an extreme left turn and before you know it everyone is like “What the Fuck?”

Yeeeeaaaahh…

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday (who shall remain nameless per her request), when I introduced the word “Idiotard”. Now for those of you who are looking for an explanation to that word then you’re an idiotard, because anyone can see that the word means that you’re a retarded idiot. Anyway, after praising my genius she threw out the idea of creating conjoined words to describe sexual situations.

……………………………………Challenge Accepted!

It all started out fairly normal at first, but then things quickly spiraled out of hand, as you’ll soon read. Below you’ll find a glossary of terms that we’ve come up with so far. By the way, this may not be safe for work.

• Sexhaustion/Pleasurathon: All definitions self-explanatory, or at least they should be.

• Hairsmucking: Grabbing her hair while smacking her ass and fucking her doggie style.

• Ridegasm: When you continue to pound that ass while she’s quivering and quaking during an intense orgasm.

• Dualgasm: Again, self-explanatory.

• Distractgasm: When crazy wild sex serves as a distraction from your furious anger. (Not to be confused with the anger bang.)

• Milsing: Milking your cock by pulsing her pussy walls.

• Boofing: Grabbing her boobs while fingering her.

• Jerbling: Jerking him off while nibbling on his ear. (Not to be confused with gerbling which is just cruelty to animals in my opinion)

Here’s where shit started to go downhill…

• Vagmoutt: The sexual Roshambo (rock-paper-scissors) over which orifice gets penetrated.

• The Magician: You know, like pulling a rabbit out of a hat? This pulling his cock out of his jeans while he’s pants are still buttoned..

• Discoballing: Cumming all over her face then sprinkling her face with glitter.

• Pussy Flume: Pouring liquor down your belly and over your slick pussy and letting him drink from you.

• Slurpee: Paying extra oral attention to the balls.

• Snorkel: Oral sex in the shower….(Ok, that one was pretty genius)

• Strobing: Having ass slapping sex in a room with a clapper.

Here is where things REALLY took a turn for the crazy and kinda offensive.

• The Helen Keller: Blindfold, ball gag, and noise cancelling ear phones for an intense sexual experience focused only on sensation….(Actually….)

• The Ray Charles: Blindfolded while music is playing..

• Kriss/Kross: When a man cross-dresses then starts scissoring with a woman…(what?)

We need psychiatric help…

@TheKrayze1

I Just Don’t Know…

I have a daily routine. Come in to work, loathe my job, and go home. During my daily routine I tend to use my breaks and lunch for personal reflection and maybe jot down notes or write articles for my blog…much like I’m doing right now. Usually I have my earphones in and my music turned up to momentarily tune out the outside world so that I can focus on whatever it is that has my attention for the moment. Some people get the hint but most don’t and will STILL try to have a conversation with me even though I can’t hear a fucking thing they’re saying (I mean what is it with people these days that just don’t get the hint?).

There are times however that I’m in such a hurry to get my ideas to paper (Or to Microsoft Word in this instance) that I forget to throw up the “Do Not Disturb” sign by putting my earphones in and inadvertently welcome in all the crazy.

This morning I was sitting in the break room alone with my laptop open adding a few songs to my iPhone when in walks one of my female coworkers.  I pause for a brief moment readying myself for a possible random conversation that I’ll have no interest in of which I’ll have to fake my way through, but it doesn’t happen. Instead she walks to the nearby soda machine and proceeds to enter decision-making mode trying to decide on what carbonated and ridiculously overpriced beverages she might purchase(seriously, you should see the prices they charge for these drinks). After a few seconds of being on edge it doesn’t seem like I’ll be bothered so I go back to my perusal of iTunes.

I dropped my guard too soon.

Coworker: “I wish I had someone that I could have wild and crazy sex with on a regular.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Coworker: “(giggling) You know I wish I had someone that I could have wild and crazy sex with on a regular. I mean I have someone like that but…I want someone who whenever I call them they’d come over and spend the night and we could just get it in. I was talking to (another coworker) and the said that Aquarius people like to have sex and it’s true. If it were possible I would be having sex every single night.”

Me: “(nervous laugh) Um… good luck with that?”

I mean WHAT THE FUCK? How? What? Why? Why would you think it’s even remotely ok to say something like that so someone? How were you expecting that conversation to unravel? Then I thought about it for a minute. Was that her way of making a pass at me? Was that her indirectly direct way of saying that she wanted my dick? I mean, not like there was a snowball chance in hell of that even happening. I’m in no way even remotely attracted to this broad. Nope. No sir. If I was, it would have been a different story. Under different circumstances I would have gladly given her a business card for Rescue Dick Enterprises and given her a…..wait, I’m getting off topic here. Um…what was I saying, oh right, beaten with an ugly stick. And when I say beaten with the ugly stick I’m not really referring to her face. There are other attributes that contribute to her overall unattractiveness. If it’s not bad enough that she’s not the prettiest person in the world but her personality is very ugly as well. She’s always talking about someone behind their back while smiling in their face and she can’t keep anything a secret. If you want something to spread around the office don’t send an email, just tell….whoa, I almost dropped her name. This woman has very loose lips, and not in a good way either. Actually, having loose lips is never good in anyway…..I’m getting off topic again.

Anyway, HOW RANDOM WAS THAT SHIT?! This job, I swear.

@TheKrayze1

11 Random’s

To be honest I’m not sure how to intro into this post because it’s just so random. Lately I’ve started following some very interesting bloggers one of whom happens to be @According2Jewls. This young woman is quite the writer. Funny and sassy and not afraid to tell it like it is, an attribute I really appreciate. While perusing her blog at According to Jewels, I came across her 11 Things post. I love these kinds of post. I enjoy randomness and jump a the chance at answering random questions because it gives me a chance to be witty and humorous, and since she asked for volunteers instead of  tagging people to participate I decided I’d jump at the request. Here’s go nothing.

Here are 11 random and totally true things about myself:

1. My grandfather was Irish. I never met him but it explains a lot when it comes to my family.
2. I’m the last of 14 children. It’s somewhat complicated, maybe I’ll write about it if enough people ask.
3. I played college basketball, but quit in my first year. I have authority issues.
4. I have climbed a volcano.
5. I studied classical piano for almost a decade. I don’t play as much these days but I hope to buy a piano in the near future.
6. I suffer from a rare eye condition called Keratoconus.
7. Although I was born and raised in the Caribbean I dislike warm weather and much prefer the cold.
8. I don’t like country music.
9. I’m an aspiring film producer and hope to own my own production company.
10.  I flirtatious. I love flirting. Most times I don’t even know when I’m doing it and more often that not it gets me into trouble.
11. I speak and understand 2 different languages other that English.

Here comes the fun part. Answering Jewel’s questions!

1. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
   My side.
2. Do you believe in ghosts?
   Only the ones I can see.
   
3. Would you be willing to go on a cross-country (driving) trip with me?
   Sure why not. As long as you’re paying for gas.
   
4. If you could only watch one show for the rest of your life what would it be?
   Oh man that’s a tough one. Just one show? I think it would have to be Tosh.0, cause that show is incredibly funny.
   
5. If you could only read one author until the end of time who would it be?
   Seriously? What’s with these questions? J. K. Rowling probably.
6. If you HAD to get something pierced what would it be?
   I would say my tongue but that’s already pierced. So I guess my nipple? It has to be something concealable.
   
7. Given a choice of a mystery meaning Chinese symbol, butterfly, or zodiac tattoo which would you pick? (You HAVE to pick one)
   Zodiac
   
8. Would you rather have sex with Wilford Brimley/Susan Boyle or give up sex for good?
   This is fucked up. Smh. Susan Boyle.
   
9. What would you pay for a vaccination that prevents kids from being bitchy, sassy, dickheads?
   Nothing. Why would I pay for a vaccine when I can just give them a “random snuggle punch”?
   
10. Would you rather serve a week in prison or try to survive for a year alone in a jungle?
    FUCK! Did it have to be a year in the jungle? It couldn’t have been 1 month? While I’m very capable of surviving in the jungle a year is a long fucking time. So I’d probably go for a week in prison. But I’d probably punch a guard or something so that I get put in solitary the entire week.
    
11. What is it about nice people who attract total idiots?
    Beats me. I think everyone attracts idiots on an equal basis. Nice people are just more prone to dealing with it.

Now for my 11 random ass questions:

1. What is your favorite Rock band of all time?
2. If you could be any animal what would you be and why?
3. If you could have a super power what would it be and for what purpose?
4. What’s the most adventurous thing that you have done or would like to do?
5. Star Wars or Star Trek?
6. If your house was on fire what’s the first thing you would grab before getting to safety?
7. Would you rather be naked in broad daylight in Time Square for 1 hour or blind and deaf for 15 minutes?
8. Why is there a Mid-West in the US but not a Mid-East?
9. What’s the one thing in your life that you regret?
10. What would you do with $1,000,000 dollars?
11. If your blue and you don’t know where to go to, why don’t you go where fashion sits?

Well that’s it for me. Some of these questions are totally random and retarded but I had fun with this anyway. Feel free to do a post of your own and answer my random ass questions. I’d be more than interested in seeing your responses.

@TheKrayze1