Sexting 2.0 “What the Fuck?”

-accepted-memes-images-629461You know those conversations you have with your friends that may have started out one way, but somewhere along the way things take an extreme left turn and before you know it everyone is like “What the Fuck?”

Yeeeeaaaahh…

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday (who shall remain nameless per her request), when I introduced the word “Idiotard”. Now for those of you who are looking for an explanation to that word then you’re an idiotard, because anyone can see that the word means that you’re a retarded idiot. Anyway, after praising my genius she threw out the idea of creating conjoined words to describe sexual situations.

……………………………………Challenge Accepted!

It all started out fairly normal at first, but then things quickly spiraled out of hand, as you’ll soon read. Below you’ll find a glossary of terms that we’ve come up with so far. By the way, this may not be safe for work.

  • Sexhaustion/Pleasurathon: All definitions self-explanatory, or at least they should be.
  • Hairsmucking: Grabbing her hair while smacking her ass and fucking her doggie style.
  • Ridegasm: When you continue to pound that ass while she’s quivering and quaking during an intense orgasm.
  • Dualgasm: Again, self-explanatory.
  • Distractgasm: When crazy wild sex serves as a distraction from your furious anger. (Not to be confused with the anger bang.)
  • Milsing: Milking your cock by pulsing her pussy walls.
  • Boofing: Grabbing her boobs while fingering her.
  • Jerbling: Jerking him off while nibbling on his ear. (Not to be confused with gerbling which is just cruelty to animals in my opinion)

Here’s where shit started to go downhill…

  • Vagmoutt: The sexual Roshambo (rock-paper-scissors) over which orifice gets penetrated.
  • The Magician: You know, like pulling a rabbit out of a hat? This pulling his cock out of his jeans while he’s pants are still buttoned..
  • Discoballing: Cumming all over her face then sprinkling her face with glitter.
  • Pussy Flume: Pouring liquor down your belly and over your slick pussy and letting him drink from you.
  • Slurpee: Paying extra oral attention to the balls.
  • Snorkel: Oral sex in the shower….(Ok, that one was pretty genius)
  • Strobing: Having ass slapping sex in a room with a clapper.

Here is where things REALLY took a turn for the crazy and kinda offensive.

  • The Helen Keller: Blindfold, ball gag, and noise cancelling ear phones for an intense sexual experience focused only on sensation….(Actually….)
  • The Ray Charles: Blindfolded while music is playing..
  • Kriss/Kross: When a man cross-dresses then starts scissoring with a woman…(what?)

We need psychiatric help…

@TheKrayze1

Practice Safe Sex, Don’t Use Condoms

DISCLAIMER: If you take anything I say in this post too seriously and for more than what it is then you’re a fucking idiot. The best form of safe sex is abstinence…..Good luck with THAT shit.

Condoms are the devil. Yeah, you heard me. THE DEVIL! When used properly and consistently, condoms are 98 percent effective in preventing pregnancy and the spread of STD’s (True shit! The internet told me!). What you’re not told however is the fact that it is all a LIE! A LIE I TELL YOU! Condoms provide sexually active men and women with a false sense of security. Now we’ve all heard that the safest sex you can have no sex, but if you’ve already had sex then you KNOW that shit ain’t happenin’. So what’s the next best thing? Contraceptives. And the list is endless when it comes to the supposed baby stoppers (No, I’m not going to list them).

I digress. Let me explain why condoms are evil. Aside from the fact that it just doesn’t feel right suffocating your penis with a piece of plastic (poor thing), with condoms you usually don’t know that things have gone wrong until after they’ve gone horribly wrong. For example, and fellas I know we’ve all had this happen to us at least once or twice at least right (No? Just me? FUCK!). So you meet a girl, things are going great and then the opportunity to do what you’ve been trying to do since you met her arises (literally). So you take her back to your place, or you go back to her place….or a hotel (what is she a hooker?), or her parent’s basement (ahh, I see, you’re a fucking loser), and then you start getting down to business. At this point everything is going great. You’re kissing, touching, groping, stroking, sucking (…..ahem), and practically tearing each others clothes off.

You know what happens next right? Time to get to work. However, because you don’t really want to be tied to this person for the rest of your life through a tiny screaming bundle of flesh that will turn into a money sucking gremlin on two feet (WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!….Dial it back a little James……….Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah..), you pull out that little golden square that’s supposed to be your Knight in Slimy Latex and risking losing wood while you speedily try to get this stupid thing on…..you strap up. Time to get to business. You slowly slide it in to her waiting love canal and although it’s not the ideal feeling, it’s not so bad. Actually, this still feels pretty good! So you guys start going at it, a mass of flesh and limbs rumbling around the bed, or floor or where ever until you can feel the ultimate climax building. You’re about to cum and although you don’t want this session to come to an end, there’s nothing you can do to stop it and you explode in to your love glove. You collapse in to each others arms reveling in the bliss post coitus when you reach down to clean up and realize the worst; your little barrier of protection broke and all your biological Bisquick is all up inside this chick….nuclear-bomb-panorama-xpost-from-pics-.gif

FUCK!

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! (Go back and read what you just read again, expect smack your hands on your forehead and then say the OMG’s really, really fast..yup, just like that) WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?! Then the thoughts start running through your head. Was the condom old? No. Did you leave room at the tip? Yes. You know what? You should have known better. There’s no way that little  piece of latex was going to hold up to all that rigorous and passionate love-making. Then in a flash of lightning another series of thoughts run through your head; how do you fix it.
1. Not tell her. I mean do you know how complicated it is to get pregnant anyway? The stars need align themselves just right, Michael Jackson has to come back from the dead and sing Billy Jean in your bedroom and a tiny Indian needs to start doing the rain dance so that Pauly Shore can have an acting career again (Oh, Hey Michael I didn’t see you there. Why do you have a member of the Village People with you? Hey is that Billy Jean? I love that s…NOOOOOOOOOO!!)

2. Kill her and dump the body. You’ve watched enough CSI, so no one will ever find her….(Wait, on the off-chance you get caught, you would definitely go to prison and none of us are willing to risk being made someones bitch and getting fucked in the ass..)

3. Accept it. You’re going to be a father. Maybe this won’t be too bad. She’s pretty and she’s a sweet person. Your baby will be fucking BEAUTIFUL! Maybe she’ll be a good mother. But what if it doesn’t work out? What then? Then she’ll probably take you to court for child support. No, you don’t want that just yet, at least not from these circumstances. Time for plan b………PLAN B!!

4. Plan B. Yup the morning after pill. Problem solved. Now………….back to the sex.

Yup that’s right. Cause you didn’t just have a mini aneurism. So what sounds like a good idea to two supposed rational adults? Have MORE sex. I mean the damage is already done right?

Are you starting to see the problem that condoms cause? Do you know what would have solved this from the get go? The pull-out method. Hang on a second. Hear me out before you go calling me crazy and shit.

Think about it. Every guy knows they moment that they are about to cum. Not using a condom keeps a guy on his toes and alert (unless he was fucking lied to and was told by that lying bitch that she couldn’t get pregnant) and doesn’t create that false sense of security that condoms do. When they are about to cum they can whip it out and either have her finish him off (which no guy would refuse) or skeet all over her (which every guy wants to do). And I know what you’re about to say about the possibilities of her getting preggers by pre-cum but do I have to bring up again how hard it is to get knocked-up?

The only other option is to have her get on birth control. And unless she’s already on it, I don’t see that conversation going in your favor.

Please feel free to comment for or against my argument. I’m looking forward to reading what you guys think or any horror stories of your own that you might like to share.

@TheKrayze1

Define Slut

Your looks? Ridiculous. Your style? Last season. Your legs? Always open. – Unknown

One afternoon I was riding in the car with a friend of mine when a certain female of “loose morals” came up in conversation. I’m not going to go into too much detail but the conversation went something like this:

Him: “So what’s up with (We’ll call her Carmen) Carmen?

Me: “What do you mean?”

Him: “Who’s she f***ing now? Doesn’t she have a boyfriend or something?”

Me: “Yeah, something like that. Doesn’t matter though, I’m pretty sure she’s cheating on him.”

Him: “I don’t know how any dude can mess with that, she looks so dirty most of the time.  Her p***y HAS to stink.”

Me: “Yeah she really doesn’t keep herself up, but she’s pretty and has big breasts and a small waist.  Some dudes overlook things like a stink p***y. LOL

Him: “Dude, I wouldn’t touch that with a ten foot pole. I wouldn’t f**k her with your d**k. LOL

Me: “You’re such an ass. I don’t know man, I guess a slut is a slut.  I mean she’s can be a nice person when she wants to be but she’s still a slut.”

Him: “……..Nah, she’s not a slut…….”

If this were a scene in a movie, him saying she’s not a slut would have been the part where the record scratched and everyone in the vicinity of a mile would have suddenly looked at him in shock, just like I did.

Me: “She’s not?”

Him: “Nope, she’s not a slut; d**k is just her comfort food. LOL”

Even though he was being a total ass, what he said had some truth to it, misguided truth, but truth nonetheless. The word slut is defined as, “a dirty slatternly woman, or a woman who is sexually promiscuous”. Even though different meanings have been applied to the word since as early as the 1400’s, it generally  applies to a woman who sleeps around. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not referring to a woman who enjoys good sex on a regular basis. I’m referring to an individual that has no moral compass and would sleep with anyone by just looking at them the right way. It’s deeper than that in my opinion though. I think a lot of women are just in need of some attention, and the only way they think they can get it is to sacrifice their bodies and their dignity.  They crazy thing is these men that take advantage of them are put on a pedestal, when they are slut themselves who don’t know how to truly appreciate a woman for what she’s really worth.

Some women suffer have low self-esteem that may stem from various  influences ranging from their upbringing, living environment, peers, etc.  Some women get over their low self-esteem by turning into cranky angry bitches, often talking down to others just to make themselves feel better, other turn to food for comfort, while others try to garner affection by allowing themselves to be used and abused.

Is it fair to call them sluts? I’m not talking about whores on the street here. They sell their bodies for money, those are genuine sluts. I’m talking about women who are obviously missing something and are going about trying to get it in all the wrong ways. Is it really fair to refer to them in such a derogatory way? These women are obviously misguided, searching for affection in all the wrong places.

Oh man I’m going to get so much heat for this post, but I’m interested in your opinion on the topic if you have one and would like to share.

@TheKrayze1

Dangers Of Insomnia

Why the hell I’m up so late is beyond me. Maybe it has to do with the fact that this has been an emotionally rough week for me with the tons of things I’m dealing with mentally. In either case I find myself up after midnight mindlessly flipping through the channels on the TV hoping to find something to entertain me until the Sandman pays me a visit. Here’s the thing. I think watching the tube this late at night can be a double-edged sword and I’m about to tell you why. On one hand there the chance that you may find something to watch that will numb your mind long enough for you to drift off into dream land, be it an old sitcom, a semi-decent movie, or random infomercials. THEN there’s the all to possible chance that you can run across Skinemax or in my case Real Sex.

I’m usually not up this late like I said earlier, but tonight I just couldn’t get to sleep. So browsing the channel guide I happened to stumble across Real Sex. I haven’t seen this show in FOREVER! I usually don’t watch it(not like I’m usually up to see it anyway) but my curiosity and obvious lack of sleep got the better of me. I don’t have anything against the show personally. In most cases it’s just exploring the different characteristics of sex in our society in a very non-judgmental way and most times it’s quite interesting. However I am flesh and blood human and I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t arousing in some cases. In the episode they were showing tonight, the bit that I caught was about this woman who had a sex workshop for couple in her home. There were 5 or 6 couples engaging in sex while taking tips and advice from this lady walking around the room critiquing them. To be honest it was actually quite impressive. These couples has broken down the barriers of privacy and modesty to engage in love-making knowing that others were watching and probably being aroused even more by the thought that they were being watch. I’m sure the experience was quite freeing. It was innocent, honest sex without any pornographic elements involved. It was pure. I admire them.

Sigh. My insomnia continues.

@thekrayze1

A Chat with Love

“Hey Love, is that you? How have you been?
Me? Oh, I’ve been around, you know, just chillin’.
It’s really good to see you, do you have time for a chat?
Really? That’s great! We have so much to discuss in fact.”

“What have I been up to? Oh, not much really.
I spend some time with Stress these days, and you know how that can be.
Heartbreak seems to come around a lot more than I want her to.
In fact the last time I saw her I mistook her for you.”

“Loneliness drops by at least once a day,
I try not to listen to anything he has to say.
And Life is still a bitch! No lie.
You know the only way to get away from her is to die.”

“Enough about me Love it’s your turn, what’s good?
You don’t seem to come around as often as you should.
I’ve been trying to get a hold of you now for some time,
But even when you weren’t around I’d just think of you and smile.”

“Quite a bit of people have been trying to reach you Love,
Although all they seem to find are just imitations of.
I even have a friend that doesn’t believe you exist.
She feels that you’re imagined, a dream, fantasy or myth.”

“She thinks she may have glimpsed you once,
But it was Heartache in disguise,
I could feel her pain from miles away,
I could see it in her eyes.”

“You really need to meet her Love,
She’ll be hesitant at first, a little.
We can have a menage-a-trios,
With you right in the middle.”

“Actually Love, please stick around,
And stay as long as you like.
Point in fact, we wouldn’t mind,
If you stayed for the rest of our lives.”

@TheKrayze1

12 Most Important Things to Remember about Dating and Relationships

“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.”

For some, dating and relationships can be like searching for buried treasure on the ocean floor surrounded by blood-thirsty sea creatures. While you’re eager to claim the waiting riches, you don’t want to be eaten alive.
Dating can be scary. The scene can be pretty rough, especially if you’ve been out of the game for a while. Coupled with a boat full of self-esteem issues, soul-crushingly bad dating or relationship experiences and the ever-present fear of rejection and you can find yourself adrift, swimming alone in the dating scene’s predator-infested waters.
The rewards can outweigh the risks by a lot, and the ultimate reward – meeting that person with whom you’re meant to spend the rest of your life – is, to many, worth the risk. Fear not, however. There’s help for the unlucky in love. Here you’ll find a list of things that may help you navigate those choppy relationship waters.

  1. YOU’RE NEVER TOO OLD TO DATE
    If you’re older than 35 and believe you’re too old to reenter the dating scene, I’ll ask you to take a moment. Look in the mirror. Raise your right hand. Now, slap the right side of your face. REALLY HARD. Do it again. That’s a good shot. Your age is an advantage, not an impediment. If you’re healthy, have a healthy self-image and aren’t the pimple-faced teen or self-involved jerk you may have been in your 20s then you’re in excellent shape. Your age shouldn’t be a factor. Don’t spend your time moping around your house because you’ve been single for a while and are convinced there isn’t anyone for you. Dating is for EVERYONE, regardless of age, including you!
  2. CONFIDENCE IS SEXY
    Confidence (not to be confused with arrogance) is important. If you’re arrogant, potential partners will see you as either a jerk or snob, or both, or something else entirely. When it comes to dating many men and women respond to confident, self-assured and assertive partners. Don’t be a shrinking violet. Be proud of yourself and let the dating world know you’re a force to be reckoned with.
  3. BEAUTY IS MORE THAN SKIN DEEP
    Beauty, or attractiveness, is more than mere appearance, more than a pretty or handsome face and a well-toned body. Pretty faces and ugly personalities equal a losing proposition for a potential partner. If you’re a beautiful person on the inside, assert your beauty. It will show on the outside in the way you carry yourself and the way you treat others. Don’t be sad if you aren’t magazine beautiful or male model handsome. You’re beautiful the way you’re designed.
  4. IMPERFECTION IS PERFECT
    Television and magazines sell a specific, management-approved, largely Photoshopped image of so-called perfection. If you lack self-confidence and believe there is a single, socially approved brand of perfection, you may come to believe everything about the partner of your dreams has to be perfect. Don’t fall for that. Perfect is in your perception of it. Flaws can be cute and irresistible, too.
  5. PLAYING THE GAME
    Dating can be fun. While it’s important to treat it as business, it’s still possible to have fun doing it. Like many games, if you can’t see the fun in it, if you treat it completely seriously all the time, it can become tedious and uninteresting. Enjoy yourself.
  6. HARD WORK NEVER KILLED ANYONE
    Though dating and, later, relationships can be fun, they need work. Entering a relationship thinking it will sustain itself is a mistake. Relationships require trust, communication and compromise. Flexibility is key. Routine maintenance keeps the relationship running.
  7. VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE
    The same song and dance can get old quickly. Dating requires creativity. Don’t be afraid of spontaneity. Shake things up a bit. Be adventurous. It doesn’t always have to be dinner and a movie. There are lots of activities for you to try with a partner. Learning something new together can be fun.
  8. LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX BABY
    Dating and sex don’t necessarily equal a relationship. When dating, clearly state your priorities. Ask questions. Do some research. Sex can make or break any relationship, serious or otherwise. Sex is a high priority for some. For others, not so much. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page.
  9. KNOW WHEN TO HOLD ‘EM
    You may discover your partner is “the one.” It’s relationship time! Whether it’s during an afternoon stroll or while sharing a good, side splitting, laugh, it can come at any time, that feeling in your gut that you’ve found your partner. Now the work begins. Remember rules 4,6 and 7.
  10. KNOW WHEN TO FOLD ‘EM
    You may also discover your partner ISN’T “the one”.  Maybe he keeps leaving the seat up. Perhaps she saws logs when she sleeps. Whatever the case, you know things aren’t going well and this one isn’t a keeper. Dating isn’t a contract. You aren’t required to stay when things aren’t working. It’s good to know when to cut your losses.
  11. AND WHEN TO WALK AWAY
    Break-ups are never easy. They are, however, occasionally necessary. Perhaps you’ll remain friends. Keep your options open. Explore yourself. Travel. Assess your strengths, weaknesses and figure out what you can do differently on your next date.
  12. MIND YOUR SURROUNDINGS
    Someone said, “If you want to be successful, surround yourself with successful people.” The same goes for dating. Good dates and, eventually, healthy relationships require good models. It’s a good idea to keep company with couples in healthy relationships. Negative people usually create negative outcomes, especially in relationships. Steer clear of people who enjoy undermining you, your partner or your relationship.

Dating isn’t as scary as you may think. Positive thinking, self-esteem, humility and a sense of adventure can help you on your path to finding Mr. or Ms. Right. Now grab your diving gear and jump in!

@TheKrayze1