A Vicious Cycle of Shit

I hate my job.

Well no, I don’t. I actually don’t mind my job. For what it’s worth it’s actually a pretty nice and cushy place to work. I have excellent benefits, I have the ability to work from the comfort of my home, they pay for me to attend college and it’s not too far from where I live.

That being said, I don’t make enough money to live reasonably. Note I did not say comfortably, I said reasonably. Here’s what I mean. As a fully functioning adult, I don’t get paid enough to afford a place on my own. Like how fucking pathetic is that. Between paying rent, which I split between a number of people, groceries, various utility bills, and the need for some form of entertainment from time to time, I barely have enough money to make it to my next pay check yet alone put aside anything in to my savings account for a rainy day. I have a POS car that I would love to get rid of and procure a new one but in order for me to do that I would have to sacrifice rents or some of my other bills. I would like to purchase a house and some point but that would require having very little debt, forgoing trying to purchase a new or lightly used car and being able to put aside a considerable amount in to my savings/checking account. As some of you may know or have read my father passed away recently, which incurred some very sudden expense that resulted in the depletion of most of my savings and high balances of my credit cards at which currently I’ve been putting every little bit of money I have in to bringing those balances under control. All of these issues I think could be alleviated if I were being paid more money.

Without going in to too much detail, my current company doesn’t follow a sensible pay scale which results in unqualified and those in some higher positions to be paid salaries that are an ocean’s gap away from us regular employees. As a result most of us get paid just enough to be broke, while the other half get paid way more than they are worth or deserve. On second though, I’ll stick with my original statement….

I hate my job.

@thekrayze1

 

 

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Hello Again

Well hello there! It’s been a bloody long time hasn’t it? Well sorry, I’m not sorry. The way my mind works I need to be totally committed and invested in something for it to have my undivided attention and at present, writing and keeping up with this blog isn’t a priority.

You know what, let’s back up a bit, that last paragraph sounded a bit harsh and almost like give zero fucks about writing and this blog. I care about this blog and I do want to create steady and continuous content, but to be quite honest I haven’t had the drive and so many other things are occupying my time and resources that I just do not have the energy to keep up with the attention that this need. So to all my loyal readers (all two or three of you), I sincerely apologize.

To give you a brief look in to my world, I’m currently taking classes full-time with hopes of graduating next Spring, and while the drive is still there I might as well “strike while the iron is hot”. I’ve become more invested in my photography and am in the process of attempting at building a business from it, so that takes up a bit of my time when I’m not balls deep in my studies. I’ve had some deaths in the family and that has taken a physical and emotional toll on me but I’ll leave that talk for another time. There are a million other things that are dividing my attention right now and adds to a continuous stream of anxiety and stress but no need to bog anyone of you down with any of that right now.

Hope you’re all doing wonderfully!

@thekrayze1

First Will and Testament

I, James Loren Payne, being of sound mind and body, bequeath these precious possessions to the following individuals.

To my daughter Rowan, I leave to you all of my love. Ever since the day you were born, you have been my greatest inspiration. Everything I do is to provide you with the things that I never had, and to ensure that you are never without the things that you need. I also leave to you the wisdom gained from mistakes that I have made in the past. Always listen to your mother. She is very knowledgeable and experienced, and only has your best interest at heart.

To my family I leave my sincerest apologies and thanks. I apologize for the many years of hardship and disappointments that have plagued you due to my existence. I know that I did not turn out the way that you expected me to, and for that I am sorry. In my stubbornness I have cost you countless expenses that I can never repay. I also want to thank you for putting up with me for all these years and for being there for me. For that I am very grateful.

To my friends I leave you a wealth of advice. Learn from the people who love you and have walked the path before you. They are not here to make your life miserable, but to save you from mistakes that they have made. Pay attention, stay in school, and always stay focused.

Finally to the world, I leave to you this final thought. Life is short and precious so make the most of it. Take the time to tell your family and friends how much you love and appreciate them. You cannot get back the time you have wasted so make the most of what you have.

@thekrayze1

I Will NOT Go Down With This Ship

white flagI’m not a quitter. I never have been. It’s just not in my DNA. No matter how challenging or difficult something may be, no matter how much I’m getting my ass kicked, I’ll just keep coming back for more until I win, or figure it out (except for math, math can suck a dick). If there’s a level of a game that I can’t seem to figure out or a combo that I can’t get the right timing or input for, I’ll keep at it for hours until I’ve figured it out (Seriously, ask anyone that has played a video game against me or have sat and watched me play a level over and over and over again for hours). I just don’t know how to quit. I don’t know how to give up and accept defeat.

However, I’ve recently come to the realization that my fervor and tenacity doesn’t work for all situations, especially when it comes to relationships and the people who you love or care about.

I was sitting at my desk at work yesterday, tirelessly fielding calls from these whiny, bitchy, annoying ass, entitled feeling, can’t do anything for themselves, don’t know their ass from their elbow students (I think they get the picture Loren). Anyway, as I’ve stated in previous posts, in order to tune out the rest of the world I tend to have my iTunes playing in one ear while my telephone headset is on the other (Shhhh, I’m not supposed to do that).

I was addressing an issue with a student that had a SERIOUS stammer (another post to come about that shortly), when Dido’s “White Flag” started playing. If you’re not familiar with the song then you should go look it up on YouTube. What? I should just embed the video in to my post? What do I look like? Your fingers aren’t broken. How about I just post the lyrics? Good? Ok, glad we agree on that.

WHITE FLAG

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it
where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can’t talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of “it’s over”
then I’m sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I’m sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I’ll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I’ve moved on….

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

As I was saying, we all have that one song that can describe any instance in our lives to the letter, well this just happens to be mine. Without going in to detail, this song describes a point in my life when things were very…..complicated. I lived by the motto that anything can be fixed in a relationship and that if there is enough conviction that most relationships can be saved. What I forgot to factor was that it has to be a mutual effort between both parties for it to work. No one person has enough love or devotion for both individuals to save the relationship if one of them isn’t giving 100%. Am I trying to say that you shouldn’t fight for the ones you love? No, of course not. If you feel that your relationship is worth saving, then fight like hell for it, but only if your partner is willing to fight along with you.

I fought. I fought and I fought and I fought. I fought hard. In the end it was all for nothing. I learned the hard way that I could have saved myself a shit ton of pain and sorrow if I’d only l cut my losses and moved on. I learned the hard way that some things just can’t be salvaged by just determination and hope. I had to learn how to quit. I had to learn how to fight against every fiber of my being and walk away. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to learn. Some things just can’t be saved, and in most cases more damage and pain will be caused by continuing to fight.

I’m not a quitter by design, and I still struggled with this concept. No matter how many times I’d been hurt, ignored or shunned by someone I care about, some part of me was still willing to fight for that connection, that bond. Not any more.

I’m not a quitter, but I won’t go down with the ship.

@TheKrayze1

(P.S. I caved. The link to the White Flag video is below. Enjoy.)

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Pardon me Ma’am, You seem Thirsty…

Desperation? That can be a justification for all kinds of behavior. -Jessica Walter

Earlier this week I wrote a post stemming from a conversation that I’d had with a friend of mine that made for very interesting “BlogFodder”(hats off to @ladyestrogen for the term). Well thanks to my best friend of over 10 years, I’m please to share with you another of our random yet inspiring conversations.

As it goes, I was home last night doing a bit of gaming before heading to bed when I heard the familiar light-saber chime (yeah, I’m a loser)  that indicated I had received a text message from my friend Horace. Upon opening the message I saw that it was a picture of a woman, (which it often is) that I’d never met.

Now before I continue let me share some things with you that may make things a little easier to understand. A few years ago Horace met a woman who’s name I won’t reveal even though she was a total bitch, dated her for a few months and after what seemed like true love decided to marry her. A few short years after that things went south and they inevitably got divorced. Since then he’s been truly relishing the single life and taking the opportunity to meet as many women as he can through Craigslist or dating sites such as Plenty of Fish. So getting a picture of a random new woman is nothing out of the ordinary. Let’s continue.

ME: Who’s this?

Horace: Some chick I just started talking to from POF.

ME: Oh ok. She’s actually kinda cute. How long have you been talking to her?

Horace: Monday.

Keep in mind that I’m writing this post on Friday or the same week.

(Another picture comes through, this time it’s a closer picture of her in what I just now realized was her bra taken of herself in with her cell phone in the bathroom )

ME: She’s really cute. Except for that mole smack dab in the middle of her face, but yeah, thumbs up.

Horace: Yeah, that mole. LMAO. I’m going to need her to stop sending me pics though.

ME: Why?

(In comes another picture of her, no bra this time. The picture stops right above where her nipples would be and it looks like she may be in the shower.)

ME: Um…Well… I still don’t see the problem here. Obviously she wants you to destroy her.

Horace: Especially with that last pic.

ME: Again, not seeing the problem.

Horace: Me either.

ME: You’re the one that said you wanted her to stop sending you pics!

Horace: Not so many of them.

(Yet another picture comes through, this time you can clearly see her breast and she’s dripping wet and obviously in the shower)

ME: Yeah dude, she really wants to get it. Did you ask her for nudes?

Horace: Nope.

Who sends unsolicited nudes to a guy that she’s only talked to for 4 days and hasn’t even met? In my opinion that just screams “low self-esteem” or someone who doesn’t give themselves enough credit and is either desperately seeking attention or is in some serious need for some penis action. What I’m confused about it why. I happen to think that this woman is quite pretty and wouldn’t need to be so hard up for some dick. I’m actually curious to meet her and talk to her and find out what her personality is like. Maybe that would shed some light on the amount of question I have running through my head right now.

What do you guys think? Am I wrong for thinking that this woman seems a bit “thirsty”? What reasons would there be for someone to behave in this manner? Do you think they are just inviting themselves to be used? Your thoughts on this matter would be greatly appreciated.

@TheKrayze1

 

P.S. I wanted to include one of the lovely lady’s pictures so that you can see how cute she is, but decided against it. If you want to see her picture you can DM me and if I deem you trustworthy enough I’ll share it with you privately.

Define Slut

Your looks? Ridiculous. Your style? Last season. Your legs? Always open. – Unknown

One afternoon I was riding in the car with a friend of mine when a certain female of “loose morals” came up in conversation. I’m not going to go into too much detail but the conversation went something like this:

Him: “So what’s up with (We’ll call her Carmen) Carmen?

Me: “What do you mean?”

Him: “Who’s she f***ing now? Doesn’t she have a boyfriend or something?”

Me: “Yeah, something like that. Doesn’t matter though, I’m pretty sure she’s cheating on him.”

Him: “I don’t know how any dude can mess with that, she looks so dirty most of the time.  Her p***y HAS to stink.”

Me: “Yeah she really doesn’t keep herself up, but she’s pretty and has big breasts and a small waist.  Some dudes overlook things like a stink p***y. LOL

Him: “Dude, I wouldn’t touch that with a ten foot pole. I wouldn’t f**k her with your d**k. LOL

Me: “You’re such an ass. I don’t know man, I guess a slut is a slut.  I mean she’s can be a nice person when she wants to be but she’s still a slut.”

Him: “……..Nah, she’s not a slut…….”

If this were a scene in a movie, him saying she’s not a slut would have been the part where the record scratched and everyone in the vicinity of a mile would have suddenly looked at him in shock, just like I did.

Me: “She’s not?”

Him: “Nope, she’s not a slut; d**k is just her comfort food. LOL”

Even though he was being a total ass, what he said had some truth to it, misguided truth, but truth nonetheless. The word slut is defined as, “a dirty slatternly woman, or a woman who is sexually promiscuous”. Even though different meanings have been applied to the word since as early as the 1400’s, it generally  applies to a woman who sleeps around. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not referring to a woman who enjoys good sex on a regular basis. I’m referring to an individual that has no moral compass and would sleep with anyone by just looking at them the right way. It’s deeper than that in my opinion though. I think a lot of women are just in need of some attention, and the only way they think they can get it is to sacrifice their bodies and their dignity.  They crazy thing is these men that take advantage of them are put on a pedestal, when they are slut themselves who don’t know how to truly appreciate a woman for what she’s really worth.

Some women suffer have low self-esteem that may stem from various  influences ranging from their upbringing, living environment, peers, etc.  Some women get over their low self-esteem by turning into cranky angry bitches, often talking down to others just to make themselves feel better, other turn to food for comfort, while others try to garner affection by allowing themselves to be used and abused.

Is it fair to call them sluts? I’m not talking about whores on the street here. They sell their bodies for money, those are genuine sluts. I’m talking about women who are obviously missing something and are going about trying to get it in all the wrong ways. Is it really fair to refer to them in such a derogatory way? These women are obviously misguided, searching for affection in all the wrong places.

Oh man I’m going to get so much heat for this post, but I’m interested in your opinion on the topic if you have one and would like to share.

@TheKrayze1

Dear Young Self

No one can give you better advice than yourself. – Marcus Tullius Cicero

#dearyoungself. For the last few days this hashtag has inundated Twitter with scores of people offering knowledge they would impart on younger versions of themselves. And, why not do this? What wouldn’t we give for an opportunity to change certain events in our lives? We’ve all had moments where we wished we could do things differently. The problem with that is where we are right now is a direct reflection of the choices we made in our past, some for good and some for bad. The problem with changing the past is you run the risk of erasing the good events that happened along the way. Would you really take the risk?

If I had the chance to sit down and have a talk with my younger self, I’m not exactly sure what I would say, but it would probably go something like this…

Dear Young Self,

You have such a brilliant mind and so much potential for greatness. You never had to put much effort into doing anything because it came easy to you. You used that ability to coast through the first part of your life and it worked. After you leave high school, things will not be so easy; and, someone should have told you that. Honestly, they probably did, but you were too arrogant to listen. Your pride will hinder you from achieving many things. There is nothing wrong with being proud and wanting to be self sufficient, but everybody needs somebody sometimes. That truth holds no less value for you. In the next 10 or so years you’re going to have to make some serious decisions. I won’t lie to you. Some of those decisions are going to be life changing. They may seem scary at first but I encourage you to take the risk. These years are going to go by in the blink of an eye (lol that rhymed). Don’t waste the time you have. Your mom and dad may seem overbearing at times but they have your best interest at heart, so you should learn to trust them more. Your brother and sister are annoying; and, I can’t tell you how to relate to them. But, know that if you need them, they’ll be there for you. You might get an earful, but they’ll still help you, well more so your brother than your sister, I’m not sure where her head is at sometimes.

Watch out for people that promise you things that are too good to be true because they are, and you’ll regret it if you trust them. Learn to manage your money better. You will learn to do so later, but it’ll benefit you if you start practicing now. Stay away from credit cards, until you’ve grasped a better understanding of them. It sounds like a sweet deal but it isn’t. You’re going to meet a certain person in a few years, and she’s going to change your life forever. Follow your heart, and try not to say anything too stupid. Call her more. You won’t understand what that means right now but you will. In fact, call everyone more; and, don’t be such a recluse. Don’t let that person leave. Put up more of a fight. Take this time to figure out what you really want to do in life. You already know. You just have to think about it. Now that you’ve figured that out, go after it with full force and let nothing stand in your way. You may stumble and fall sometimes but don’t let that dissuade you. Get back up and keep going. You’re strong and people will come to depend on you. You’ll be the best friend they ever have.

On your journey you’ll make some mistakes and that’s okay. No one is perfect. Some of the mistakes, however, have harsh consequences. Put some serious thought into what you’re doing before you make that final decision. Things are going to get rough later on, not just for you, but for everyone. Some of the choices you make will either help or hinder you. Whatever happens, don’t give up. See you soon.

P.S. Don’t let your camera get so close to the water. You’re not going to be too happy about what happens.

The conversation with my younger self would probably go something like that. I wouldn’t get too specific about anything because I would still want to be able to make decisions without knowing what was going to happen afterwards. I think life would be pretty boring if I knew what was around every corner. If given the opportunity, what would you tell your younger self?

 

@TheKrayze1