A Vicious Cycle of Shit

I hate my job.

Well no I don’t. I actually don’t mind my job. For what it’s worth it’s actually a pretty nice and cushy place to work. I have excellent benefits, I have the ability to work from the comfort of my home, they pay for me to attend college and it’s not too far from where I live.

That being said, I don’t make enough money to live reasonably. Note I did not say comfortably, I said reasonably. Here’s what I mean. As a fully functioning adult, I don’t get paid enough to afford a place on my own. Like how fucking pathetic is that. Between paying rent, which I split between a number of people, groceries, various utility bills, and the need for some form of entertainment from time to time, I barely have enough money to make it to my next pay check yet alone put aside anything in to my savings account for a rainy day. I have a POS car that I would love to get rid of and procure a new one but in order for me to do that I would have to sacrifice rents or some of my other bills. I would like to purchase a house and some point but that would require having very little debt, forgoing trying to purchase a new or lightly used car and being able to put aside a considerable amount in to my savings/checking account. As some of you may know or have read my father passed away recently, which incurred some very sudden expense that resulted in the depletion of most of my savings and high balances of my credit cards at which currently I’ve been putting every little bit of money I have in to bringing those balances under control. All of these issues I think could be alleviated if I were being paid more money.

Without going in to too much detail, my current company doesn’t follow a sensible pay scale which results in unqualified and those in some higher positions to be paid salaries that are an ocean’s gap away from us regular employees. As a result most of us get paid just enough to be broke, while the other half get paid way more than they are worth or deserve. On second though, I’ll stick with my original statement….

I hate my job.





A few posts back I briefly mentioned that I’ve had some deaths in my family and as such it has made 2016 a very difficult year.

On May 1st 2016, I received the news that my father had passed away. This was not a shock. He had been suffering with Alzheimer’s for  a few years and I knew that it would only been a matter of time. I thought I was prepared for it but as it turns out you can never be prepared enough. After receiving the news and hanging up from my aunt I sat in my office for a moment telling myself that I know this moment would come and it finally did, but that didn’t stop the tears from flowing the way I expected it would. For some reason I did not think I would cry. Boy was I wrong. Before this moment I had never lost anyone really close to me and since then I’ve looked at death and the people who are a part of my life very differently. It opened my eyes to the fact that the people around including myself are getting older and at some point these people are going to pass from this world on to the next and there is nothing that I can do about it. That thought really shook me to the core. You would think that as a logical human being one would know that if you live, eventually you will die, and although we all know this basic truth when it happens it still comes as a shock to us.

Exactly one month from my family laying my father to rest, a woman who I lovingly refer to as my aunt even though she is of no blood relation passed away suddenly from cancer. This upset me more than anything cause unlike my father’s Alzheimer’s, this was sudden and we just didn’t have enough time with her before she succumbed to the disease. So within as many months my family had lost two people very close to us.

Needless to say I have become a different person since then. I’ve dropped in to bouts of depression and often have little patience for people. I go through period that fluctuate between happiness and apathy and have even had brief fleeting thoughts of suicide. While I HIGHLY doubt I will ever do harm to myself, I have come to the realization that my relationships with certain people have changed and I am slowly pushing people away from me. They say that our experiences in life change us. Some for better, some for worse. Not sure what direction I am headed in that regard, but I’m about to find out.


D.S.I.D.A.A.K: The Fire

4174776173_e8c26989cc_zI’ve done quite a few things in my life that I’m not proud of. I’ve done even MORE things in my life that makes me wonder how the hell I ever made it past the age of 15?

Case in point.

I love fire. Anyone that knows me, knows that I love watching things burn. “Some men just want to watch the world burn” – Alfred Pennyworth. I’m one of those men. Maybe “the world” is a drastic exaggeration, but I am a pyromaniac, but a good one if there is such a thing. I guess you can call me a pleasant pyromaniac. I’m not the “raving, set everything and everyone on fire and watch them burn and scream in agony” type of pyromaniac, just the “wow that is a pretty lovely blaze and it feels so warm and comforting” type of pyromaniac. There’s more of an artistic appreciation in my love of the hot stuff. The elegant dancing of flames as they consume and devour everything in their path while giving off such radiant warmth has always been a pleasurable experience (I mean…as long as no one was in danger or anything am I right? That guy knows what I’m talking about). Some years ago, I watched as my neighbor’s house across the way burn to the ground (with them not in it of course) and remembered thinking, “THIS. IS. AWESOME! HEY!….No judging.

Anyway, I digress. I wanted to tell you guys a story. None sure when it started, but my first experience with setting things ablaze started when I was around 8 years old. Hurricane Hugo had recently blown through my island and left it completely devastated. People lost their homes and everyone was without power. By some good fortune however, and possibly excellent structural engineering, my house was one of the few left unaffected by the storm. A few months after the hurricane, after things had settled a bit and school was back in session, a friend of mine came over and we were doing homework in my bedroom. To this day I don’t know where she got the cigarette light from, but out of no where she had one in her hand and with a broad smile on her face said, “Look at what I have?!”

It all went downhill from there. Quickly grabbing the lighter from her, my first instinct was to burn something, but seeing as the smell of smoke would be the fast track to an ass-whoopin, I was force to find an alternate way to place the lighter to good use. Fancying my self a brave explorer, I decided to adventure under my bed to see what I could find using the lighter as my torch. So with “torch” in hand myself and my brave companion braved the underneath of my bed cave in search of whatever treasures it might hold. However, that got boring quickly, well at least to her anyway. After a few minutes she gave up and went back to homework, prompting me to do the same, and in hindsight I should have listened, but I was still having fun. Braving one last trek under the bed I decided to get back to homework.

Not sure if you guys are familiar with what bed were made of back in 1989, but they were primarily composed of a box spring on the bottom and a mattress to rest on top of it. Back on the day these “box springs” had a papery cloth-like material lining the bottom to hide the wood frame that the box was made of. What I know now, but didn’t have a clue about back then, was that is HIGHLY flammable.

At this point in time I’d returned to my homework completely oblivious to the small fire I’d started under my bed. My friend Jennie however, wasn’t.

“The bed is on fire.”

She’d said it so softly at first I thought she was kidding, but the second time she said it there was a sense that something was terribly wrong. While I couldn’t see the fire yet, there was a small plume of smoke coming from underneath the bed. On further examination, what clearly happened while I was pretending to be Indiana Jones, was that I inadvertently set the material under the box-spring on fire and it was spreading rapidly.

Now, if you remember correctly, I’M 8! And the first thing an 8-year-old does is panic, while simultaneously trying to figure out a way to put the fire out WITHOUT involving an adult and any guaranteed repercussions that would come with that decision. So in my panic and small little idiot 8 year old brain, I put together a plan of action.

Need water to put out the fire. <— Good Idea!
Will cup the water in my hand and carry it from the bathroom to my room and throw it up under the bed. <—You stupid fucking idiot!

So after 3 or 4 trips back and forth with no progress to show for it, my friend decided to get a grown up involved, which was clearly the first things that should have been done.

Needless to say, severe ass-whoopin’s were promptly handed out once the fire was put out and I was out of a bed. Her for having the lighter, and me for almost burning the house down.

Man, I did some dumb shit as a kid.



Hello Again

Well hello there! It’s been a bloody long time hasn’t it? Well sorry, I’m not sorry. The way my mind works I need to be totally committed and invested in something for it to have my undivided attention and at present, writing and keeping up with this blog isn’t a priority.

You know what, let’s back up a bit, that last paragraph sounded a bit harsh and almost like give zero fucks about writing and this blog. I care about this blog and I do want to create steady and continuous content, but to be quite honest I haven’t had the drive and so many other things are occupying my time and resources that I just do not have the energy to keep up with the attention that this need. So to all my loyal readers (all two or three of you), I sincerely apologize.

To give you a brief look in to my world, I’m currently taking classes full-time with hopes of graduating next Spring, and while the drive is still there I might as well “strike while the iron is hot”. I’ve become more invested in my photography and am in the process of attempting at building a business from it, so that takes up a bit of my time when I’m not balls deep in my studies. I’ve had some deaths in the family and that has taken a physical and emotional toll on me but I’ll leave that talk for another time. There are a million other things that are dividing my attention right now and adds to a continuous stream of anxiety and stress but no need to bog anyone of you down with any of that right now.

Hope you’re all doing wonderfully!


First Will and Testament

I, James Loren Payne, being of sound mind and body, bequeath these precious possessions to the following individuals.

To my daughter Rowan, I leave to you all of my love. Ever since the day you were born, you have been my greatest inspiration. Everything I do is to provide you with the things that I never had, and to ensure that you are never without the things that you need. I also leave to you the wisdom gained from mistakes that I have made in the past. Always listen to your mother. She is very knowledgeable and experienced, and only has your best interest at heart.

To my family I leave my sincerest apologies and thanks. I apologize for the many years of hardship and disappointments that have plagued you due to my existence. I know that I did not turn out the way that you expected me to, and for that I am sorry. In my stubbornness I have cost you countless expenses that I can never repay. I also want to thank you for putting up with me for all these years and for being there for me. For that I am very grateful.

To my friends I leave you a wealth of advice. Learn from the people who love you and have walked the path before you. They are not here to make your life miserable, but to save you from mistakes that they have made. Pay attention, stay in school, and always stay focused.

Finally to the world, I leave to you this final thought. Life is short and precious so make the most of it. Take the time to tell your family and friends how much you love and appreciate them. You cannot get back the time you have wasted so make the most of what you have.