D.S.I.D.A.A.K: The Fire

4174776173_e8c26989cc_zI’ve done quite a few things in my life that I’m not proud of. I’ve done even MORE things in my life that makes me wonder how the hell I ever made it past the age of 15?

Case in point.

I love fire. Anyone that knows me, knows that I love watching things burn. “Some men just want to watch the world burn” – Alfred Pennyworth. I’m one of those men. Maybe “the world” is a drastic exaggeration, but I am a pyromaniac, but a good one if there is such a thing. I guess you can call me a pleasant pyromaniac. I’m not the “raving, set everything and everyone on fire and watch them burn and scream in agony” type of pyromaniac, just the “wow that is a pretty lovely blaze and it feels so warm and comforting” type of pyromaniac. There’s more of an artistic appreciation in my love of the hot stuff. The elegant dancing of flames as they consume and devour everything in their path while giving off such radiant warmth has always been a pleasurable experience (I mean…as long as no one was in danger or anything am I right? That guy knows what I’m talking about). Some years ago, I watched as my neighbor’s house across the way burn to the ground (with them not in it of course) and remembered thinking, “THIS. IS. AWESOME! HEY!….No judging.

Anyway, I digress. I wanted to tell you guys a story. None sure when it started, but my first experience with setting things ablaze started when I was around 8 years old. Hurricane Hugo had recently blown through my island and left it completely devastated. People lost their homes and everyone was without power. By some good fortune however, and possibly excellent structural engineering, my house was one of the few left unaffected by the storm. A few months after the hurricane, after things had settled a bit and school was back in session, a friend of mine came over and we were doing homework in my bedroom. To this day I don’t know where she got the cigarette light from, but out of no where she had one in her hand and with a broad smile on her face said, “Look at what I have?!”

It all went downhill from there. Quickly grabbing the lighter from her, my first instinct was to burn something, but seeing as the smell of smoke would be the fast track to an ass-whoopin, I was force to find an alternate way to place the lighter to good use. Fancying my self a brave explorer, I decided to adventure under my bed to see what I could find using the lighter as my torch. So with “torch” in hand myself and my brave companion braved the underneath of my bed cave in search of whatever treasures it might hold. However, that got boring quickly, well at least to her anyway. After a few minutes she gave up and went back to homework, prompting me to do the same, and in hindsight I should have listened, but I was still having fun. Braving one last trek under the bed I decided to get back to homework.

Not sure if you guys are familiar with what bed were made of back in 1989, but they were primarily composed of a box spring on the bottom and a mattress to rest on top of it. Back on the day these “box springs” had a papery cloth-like material lining the bottom to hide the wood frame that the box was made of. What I know now, but didn’t have a clue about back then, was that is HIGHLY flammable.

At this point in time I’d returned to my homework completely oblivious to the small fire I’d started under my bed. My friend Jennie however, wasn’t.

“The bed is on fire.”

She’d said it so softly at first I thought she was kidding, but the second time she said it there was a sense that something was terribly wrong. While I couldn’t see the fire yet, there was a small plume of smoke coming from underneath the bed. On further examination, what clearly happened while I was pretending to be Indiana Jones, was that I inadvertently set the material under the box-spring on fire and it was spreading rapidly.

Now, if you remember correctly, I’M 8! And the first thing an 8-year-old does is panic, while simultaneously trying to figure out a way to put the fire out WITHOUT involving an adult and any guaranteed repercussions that would come with that decision. So in my panic and small little idiot 8 year old brain, I put together a plan of action.

Need water to put out the fire. <— Good Idea!
Will cup the water in my hand and carry it from the bathroom to my room and throw it up under the bed. <—You stupid fucking idiot!

So after 3 or 4 trips back and forth with no progress to show for it, my friend decided to get a grown up involved, which was clearly the first things that should have been done.

Needless to say, severe ass-whoopin’s were promptly handed out once the fire was put out and I was out of a bed. Her for having the lighter, and me for almost burning the house down.

Man, I did some dumb shit as a kid.

@thekrayze1

 

Hello Again

Well hello there! It’s been a bloody long time hasn’t it? Well sorry, I’m not sorry. The way my mind works I need to be totally committed and invested in something for it to have my undivided attention and at present, writing and keeping up with this blog isn’t a priority.

You know what, let’s back up a bit, that last paragraph sounded a bit harsh and almost like give zero fucks about writing and this blog. I care about this blog and I do want to create steady and continuous content, but to be quite honest I haven’t had the drive and so many other things are occupying my time and resources that I just do not have the energy to keep up with the attention that this need. So to all my loyal readers (all two or three of you), I sincerely apologize.

To give you a brief look in to my world, I’m currently taking classes full-time with hopes of graduating next Spring, and while the drive is still there I might as well “strike while the iron is hot”. I’ve become more invested in my photography and am in the process of attempting at building a business from it, so that takes up a bit of my time when I’m not balls deep in my studies. I’ve had some deaths in the family and that has taken a physical and emotional toll on me but I’ll leave that talk for another time. There are a million other things that are dividing my attention right now and adds to a continuous stream of anxiety and stress but no need to bog anyone of you down with any of that right now.

Hope you’re all doing wonderfully!

@thekrayze1

First Will and Testament

I, James Loren Payne, being of sound mind and body, bequeath these precious possessions to the following individuals.

To my daughter Rowan, I leave to you all of my love. Ever since the day you were born, you have been my greatest inspiration. Everything I do is to provide you with the things that I never had, and to ensure that you are never without the things that you need. I also leave to you the wisdom gained from mistakes that I have made in the past. Always listen to your mother. She is very knowledgeable and experienced, and only has your best interest at heart.

To my family I leave my sincerest apologies and thanks. I apologize for the many years of hardship and disappointments that have plagued you due to my existence. I know that I did not turn out the way that you expected me to, and for that I am sorry. In my stubbornness I have cost you countless expenses that I can never repay. I also want to thank you for putting up with me for all these years and for being there for me. For that I am very grateful.

To my friends I leave you a wealth of advice. Learn from the people who love you and have walked the path before you. They are not here to make your life miserable, but to save you from mistakes that they have made. Pay attention, stay in school, and always stay focused.

Finally to the world, I leave to you this final thought. Life is short and precious so make the most of it. Take the time to tell your family and friends how much you love and appreciate them. You cannot get back the time you have wasted so make the most of what you have.

@thekrayze1

50 Things You Don’t Know About Me

vey-simple-questionsOkay. Let me start my apologizing for not posting consistently for the last few month. These last few months have been hectic with work and school. Without fail Jewels over at AccordingtoJewels has been constantly on my ass to write something on a daily basis. It’s not like I haven’t been meaning to write, but I just didn’t have the spare time or brain power. Now I’m down one class and actually have some free time and instead of sitting at work slaving over quadratic equations I find myself twiddling my thumbs. Luckily a few weeks ago Jewels wrote a post titled 50 Things You Don’t Know About Me and challenged me to do the same.

Challenge Accepted.

Although somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind I’m sure I’ve done something like this before……eh whatever.

1. I’m the youngest of 13 children. (Now lower your eyebrows)

2. I’m 31…(Recall my previous statement and lower your eyebrows again. If you try to do the math your head will likely explode.)

3. I shower naked. (Try to stay calm. I hear that’s a norm in this part of the world.)

4. I occasionally have hemorrhoids. (TMI?)

5.I’ve danced in the rain……naked………..In broad daylight.

6. I’m a pleasant pyromaniac.

7. I’ve also lit my bed on fire. (Story about that soon to follow)

8. I had a very short career as a gymnast in high school.

9. I have a degenerative eye disease call Keratonconus.

10. I grew up playing baseball. I didn’t start learning to play basketball till I was in junior high, but by high school I was on the varsity team.

11. I was married.

12. Even though I’m black, (not sure what that has to do with anything) I’ve never seen The Wiz or The Color Purple.

13. In order for me to fall asleep I need to be laying on my left side.

14. When I was 13 I had to perform CPR on my dad to save his life after he was pinned by a truck he was working on. It’s still hard for me to talk about it to this day.

15. I often eat baby power. I think it’s the talc but I always crave it.

16. I’ve never been to a strip club, nor am I interested in ever going to one.

17. Most of my friends are female. The only real guy friend I have at the moment is my best friend Horace.

18. I’m slightly OCD.

19. I don’t like being touched and I have a serious personal space issue.

20. Because of #19 it should be obvious that I don’t like crowds.

21. Even though I grew up on a Caribbean island, completely surrounded by beautiful beaches, I don’t really know how to swim..

22. I need to learn how to swim.

23. I love thrill rides.

24. I love flying.

25. I’m uncomfortable with extreme heights. (I’m a walking contradiction)

26. I grew up in the church and can probably quote bible verses around you in circles.

27. I don’t drink coffee.

28. I’m in love with Ryan Reynolds.

29. I’m forever addicted to Sour Patch kids…..and sour Skittles…..well pretty much any sour candy.

30. I don’t like speaking, which is ironic because in elementary school I often got in to trouble for talking too much.

31. I hate my job.

32. I once drank from my toilet. (Story to come about that as well.)

33. I once has a pet parakeet. However it learned how to open its cage and flew away.

34. I have all 4 of my wisdom teeth.

35. I hate wearing shoes.

36. How I think I look and how I actually look are often very different from each other.

37. I once got suspended from school for vandalizing my P.E teachers car and letting the air out of his tires.

38. I can solve a Rubik’s Cube in 4 minutes or less.

39. I’m currently writing this while at work on my laptop. Even though we aren’t allowed to have any personal electronics on our desks. Fuck it.

40. I’m afraid that I won’t be successful at being a film maker and that makes me reluctant to attempt to film anything, but I will. I’ll fight through my fear.

41. I dislike having to ask for help. If I can’t do it myself then I don’t feel like I’ve earned it.

42. I would like to travel the world sometimes soon. Hopefully if I amount some measure of fame as a film maker I’ll get my opportunity.

43. I’ve been to jail. TWICE!

44. I am deathly afraid of lightning, but I LOVE the deep rumble of thunder.

45. I once woke up to aliens in my bedroom standing over me…seriously…at least I think they were aliens….they didn’t stay around long enough for me to ask any questions…

46. I sometimes believe that I have latent abilities like the ability to see some events before they happen. There’s been more than one occasion where I’ve dreamt something and it actually happened. Unfortunately I don’t realize it’s happening until it’s happened. There’s usually no signs that lead up to the event that would allow me to change or alter what’s will happen.

47. To make up for the fact that I have poor eyesight the rest of my senses overcompensate. I have incredibly good hearing, sense of smell and my skin is aware of even the slightest touch and my can usually pick out flavors and taste differences that some miss.

48. I wear Degree deodorant and I sometimes shop at bath and body works. (Don’t judge me)

49. I have 6 tattoos. 2 on my right leg,  1 on my upper right arm, 1 on my left shoulder, and 1 on each wrist. More on the way.

50. My middle name, Loren, was given to me by my older sister and it’s what my family and most of my friends address me by.

Well that was fun……


@TheKrayze1

A Dick for a Day

I’ve been in a writing funk lately so my friend Jewels had the brilliant idea to return the favor of me totally sending perverts her way at her blog by sending me the most random and at some parts frightening post I’ve read as a man. Nah, just kidding (a little). I’m actually honored to have Jewels as my first every guest post. So after you read this and die of laughter or cringe in a corner somewhere, head over to her place and show her some love.. NOW!

 
What seems like forever ago James wrote a guest post at my place about what he would do if he woke up with lady parts. To this day people still find me through perverted Google searches like “man wakes with vagina” or “dude with vag & tits”. Thanks for bringing those freaks to my door, by the way. Anyway, the reason that he even wrote that article is because I told him all women have thought about what they would do with a dick for a day. He seemed a little reluctant to believe me so the time has come for me to repay the pervy Google search favor and tell you what I’d do with a dick for a day.

First things first, I want anyone with a dick reading this to brace himself. I’d say that a solid 70% of this is pure pervy, deprived, and sex related activity but the other 30% is straight torture to the penis. So let’s get to it, shall we?

Where else would we start but with morning wood? As a woman I’m not waking up primed for sex (even if I do enjoy morning sex) unless I’ve dreamt of Jason Statham. Therefore waking with a hard on ready to rock…that’d be freaking great! So, I figure I wake up, enjoy the tent show (and pray it’s an impressive one) and then reach for the lotion cause I’m about to get it on with my right hand. It wouldn’t end there though; I’d go into a marathon of jerking off. The left hand, the stranger, how quick can I make myself cum, and how quickly can I recover and do it all again! I’m going to find my perineum and massage the fuck outta that while I jerk off just to see how much stronger the orgasm is.  I want to know my cock and what I like to a T before I leave that bed.

Of course if I had a dick for a day I’m going to see if I can blow myself because maybe, just maybe, I can! After I’ve sufficiently crusted my sheets and covered my belly with splooge it’s going to be time for a shower. I can’t get in until I pee though, standing up; oh the novelty! This is huge for me because I’m pretty fucking sure it’s not that hard to hit the fucking water and not make a mess, so I have to prove this point.

I’m going to have a field day in the shower! Soapy and slippery I’m going to paint on the glass doors, make cock head prints, ball prints, soap myself up, then likely get hard and jerk off again. Then I’m going to play with my balls, fondle them a bit, then sadistically twist and pull on them just to test how sensitive they REALLY are. I want to know the threshold between “ehh” and “OOOWWW”. When I was done fondling my balls…and trimming that shit up by the way…I’d dry off. I’d be toweling off when I remembered that time that guy flapped his cock against a towel to make me laugh and immediately I’d have to do it. This would lead to me doing penis copters and flapping my junk ala Jenna Marbles “Bounce That Dick” video (and likely cracking up).

When I was done with my dick acrobatics I’d get dressed, but I’m totally going to free ball it! If I only have a dick for one day I’m going to jog to my car (and likely everywhere else that day) just to feel that shit swinging around in my pants. When my junk shifts, sticks to my legs, or otherwise gets out of line, I’m going to adjust myself, unabashedly. I’m going to fondle myself in public the way only men can, without any shame. Hell, I’m going to play a little pocket hockey and sport a raging boner in public while talking to people with a straight face while I’m at it. It’s going to be AMAZING!

So, I’m clearly heading to my best friend’s place and making good on all those times we said “if only you had a dick…we’d be perfect together” cause no way am I NOT getting a blowy! Oh, I’m getting a blowjob, a hand job, and I’m titty fucking her. Note: This is all hypothetical cause no way could I engage in sexual acts with her BUT assuming I still look like me with a cock…she’s the only one who would fuck me…so yeah, I’m going to bone her…hard! Once we’ve forgone all that foreplay I’m taking her to pound town on the fuck truck (Thank you Krayze for that phrase). We’re boning with and without a condom so I can finally understand why so many men beg to go bareback (I’m pretty sure that’s a con job). I honestly can’t imagine the sensations from the other side so this is the part I am really excited about.

After we’re done screwing it’s time to get into some sadistic shit. This dick is a one-day deal so I can torture it. First I’m going to see what else I stick my dick in? I’m going to try to fuck a vacuum hose, the gap in sofa cushions, a watermelon, and anything else that looks inviting or cylindrical. Then it’s time for the torture tests now that I’m done with it for the most part. I’m letting my friend straight kick me in the dick, backhand it, hit a ball at my crotch, and grab and twist my balls. I need to know how bad it really is. A mans tolerance for pain is way lower than a woman’s so I’m pretty sure I can judge the true nature of the pain.

If I’m feeling REALLY altruistic maybe I’ll let all my friends come over and give them HONEST feedback on blowjobs, hand jobs, and sex. They get to perform on me and I’ll give them constructive criticism…cause I’m nice like that. At the end of the day I’ll head to a guy friend’s house and try to game for a bit…cause I’m pretty sure I’d need to have a dick before I ever enjoyed that waste of time. Then I’d head home, rub one out, and fall asleep immediately.

I honestly would have a field day…for a day…then you can have that shit back. I enjoy my tits and vagina way too much to keep that dangly junk. So, ladies and gentlemen, that is what I would do if I had a dick for a day. What would you do with the opposite genders naughty bits for a day?

@According2Jewls

 

jewelsJewels is a writer who is working on a YA novel series when not writing at her blog, According to Jewels, or fulfilling her Senior Editor role at The Indie Chicks (an online magazine). You can reach her on her blog, twitter, or Facebook…and please do, she’s a little low on stalkers.