Practice Safe Sex, Don’t Use Condoms

DISCLAIMER: If you take anything I say in this post too seriously and for more than what it is then you’re a fucking idiot. The best form of safe sex is abstinence…..Good luck with THAT shit.

Condoms are the devil. Yeah, you heard me. THE DEVIL! When used properly and consistently, condoms are 98 percent effective in preventing pregnancy and the spread of STD’s (True shit! The internet told me!). What you’re not told however is the fact that it is all a LIE! A LIE I TELL YOU! Condoms provide sexually active men and women with a false sense of security. Now we’ve all heard that the safest sex you can have no sex, but if you’ve already had sex then you KNOW that shit ain’t happenin’. So what’s the next best thing? Contraceptives. And the list is endless when it comes to the supposed baby stoppers (No, I’m not going to list them).

I digress. Let me explain why condoms are evil. Aside from the fact that it just doesn’t feel right suffocating your penis with a piece of plastic (poor thing), with condoms you usually don’t know that things have gone wrong until after they’ve gone horribly wrong. For example, and fellas I know we’ve all had this happen to us at least once or twice at least right (No? Just me? FUCK!). So you meet a girl, things are going great and then the opportunity to do what you’ve been trying to do since you met her arises (literally). So you take her back to your place, or you go back to her place….or a hotel (what is she a hooker?), or her parent’s basement (ahh, I see, you’re a fucking loser), and then you start getting down to business. At this point everything is going great. You’re kissing, touching, groping, stroking, sucking (…..ahem), and practically tearing each others clothes off.

You know what happens next right? Time to get to work. However, because you don’t really want to be tied to this person for the rest of your life through a tiny screaming bundle of flesh that will turn into a money sucking gremlin on two feet (WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!….Dial it back a little James……….Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah..), you pull out that little golden square that’s supposed to be your Knight in Slimy Latex and risking losing wood while you speedily try to get this stupid thing on… strap up. Time to get to business. You slowly slide it in to her waiting love canal and although it’s not the ideal feeling, it’s not so bad. Actually, this still feels pretty good! So you guys start going at it, a mass of flesh and limbs rumbling around the bed, or floor or where ever until you can feel the ultimate climax building. You’re about to cum and although you don’t want this session to come to an end, there’s nothing you can do to stop it and you explode in to your love glove. You collapse in to each others arms reveling in the bliss post coitus when you reach down to clean up and realize the worst; your little barrier of protection broke and all your biological Bisquick is all up inside this chick….nuclear-bomb-panorama-xpost-from-pics-.gif


Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! (Go back and read what you just read again, expect smack your hands on your forehead and then say the OMG’s really, really fast..yup, just like that) WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?! Then the thoughts start running through your head. Was the condom old? No. Did you leave room at the tip? Yes. You know what? You should have known better. There’s no way that little  piece of latex was going to hold up to all that rigorous and passionate love-making. Then in a flash of lightning another series of thoughts run through your head; how do you fix it.
1. Not tell her. I mean do you know how complicated it is to get pregnant anyway? The stars need align themselves just right, Michael Jackson has to come back from the dead and sing Billy Jean in your bedroom and a tiny Indian needs to start doing the rain dance so that Pauly Shore can have an acting career again (Oh, Hey Michael I didn’t see you there. Why do you have a member of the Village People with you? Hey is that Billy Jean? I love that s…NOOOOOOOOOO!!)

2. Kill her and dump the body. You’ve watched enough CSI, so no one will ever find her….(Wait, on the off-chance you get caught, you would definitely go to prison and none of us are willing to risk being made someones bitch and getting fucked in the ass..)

3. Accept it. You’re going to be a father. Maybe this won’t be too bad. She’s pretty and she’s a sweet person. Your baby will be fucking BEAUTIFUL! Maybe she’ll be a good mother. But what if it doesn’t work out? What then? Then she’ll probably take you to court for child support. No, you don’t want that just yet, at least not from these circumstances. Time for plan b………PLAN B!!

4. Plan B. Yup the morning after pill. Problem solved. Now………….back to the sex.

Yup that’s right. Cause you didn’t just have a mini aneurism. So what sounds like a good idea to two supposed rational adults? Have MORE sex. I mean the damage is already done right?

Are you starting to see the problem that condoms cause? Do you know what would have solved this from the get go? The pull-out method. Hang on a second. Hear me out before you go calling me crazy and shit.

Think about it. Every guy knows they moment that they are about to cum. Not using a condom keeps a guy on his toes and alert (unless he was fucking lied to and was told by that lying bitch that she couldn’t get pregnant) and doesn’t create that false sense of security that condoms do. When they are about to cum they can whip it out and either have her finish him off (which no guy would refuse) or skeet all over her (which every guy wants to do). And I know what you’re about to say about the possibilities of her getting preggers by pre-cum but do I have to bring up again how hard it is to get knocked-up?

The only other option is to have her get on birth control. And unless she’s already on it, I don’t see that conversation going in your favor.

Please feel free to comment for or against my argument. I’m looking forward to reading what you guys think or any horror stories of your own that you might like to share.



Dangers Of Insomnia

Why the hell I’m up so late is beyond me. Maybe it has to do with the fact that this has been an emotionally rough week for me with the tons of things I’m dealing with mentally. In either case I find myself up after midnight mindlessly flipping through the channels on the TV hoping to find something to entertain me until the Sandman pays me a visit. Here’s the thing. I think watching the tube this late at night can be a double-edged sword and I’m about to tell you why. On one hand there the chance that you may find something to watch that will numb your mind long enough for you to drift off into dream land, be it an old sitcom, a semi-decent movie, or random infomercials. THEN there’s the all to possible chance that you can run across Skinemax or in my case Real Sex.

I’m usually not up this late like I said earlier, but tonight I just couldn’t get to sleep. So browsing the channel guide I happened to stumble across Real Sex. I haven’t seen this show in FOREVER! I usually don’t watch it(not like I’m usually up to see it anyway) but my curiosity and obvious lack of sleep got the better of me. I don’t have anything against the show personally. In most cases it’s just exploring the different characteristics of sex in our society in a very non-judgmental way and most times it’s quite interesting. However I am flesh and blood human and I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t arousing in some cases. In the episode they were showing tonight, the bit that I caught was about this woman who had a sex workshop for couple in her home. There were 5 or 6 couples engaging in sex while taking tips and advice from this lady walking around the room critiquing them. To be honest it was actually quite impressive. These couples has broken down the barriers of privacy and modesty to engage in love-making knowing that others were watching and probably being aroused even more by the thought that they were being watch. I’m sure the experience was quite freeing. It was innocent, honest sex without any pornographic elements involved. It was pure. I admire them.

Sigh. My insomnia continues.


Happy Valentine’$ Day!

“I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day.  When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.”  ~Author Unknown

Initially I intended to write a poem for this festive day, but decided to go in a different direction.

Today, February 14th, is known around the world as Valentine’s Day. It is a day celebrated by giving our significant others greeting cards(originally called Valentines), flowers, and confections. On this day people are prompted to reflect on the love they have for a special someone or someones and as such express that affection. However, over the years this day has also served as a reminder for many single individuals (mostly women), of how alone they are and as such this day can be quite bitter-sweet. But has anyone actually stopped to think about how this day originated?

Valentine’s Day got its namesake from one or more Christian martyrs whose name was Valentinus. For those of you who aren’t familiar with what a martyr is you can click here. Any who, Saint Valentines was persecuted and killed because he refused to convert to Roman Paganism. That’s it. End of story. There were no romantic elements associated with him whatsoever. He wasn’t killed because he “believed in a thing called love” (hehe score for The Darkness reference. Over 1000 years later however, a man by the name of Geoffrey Chaucer(maybe you’ve heard of him), got the crazy notion to associate this day with romantic love in a poem he wrote in 1382, and because people usually don’t do their homework, they were bamboozled into thinking this should be a customary practice.

Here we are centuries later and this holiday has turned into a billion dollar business fleecing many for their hard-earned dollars. Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not bitter about today in any way. To be honest I think the initial concept behind this idea is a very noble one, but like most other holidays that we celebrate I believe it has lost most of its meaning in favor for commercialism. Sites like Proflowers, FTD and Hallmark are making a killing today (average sales ranging between $50 and $150) because people are spending 100’s of dollars on flowers, candy and jewelry. Think about this, I’m not sure what it’s like in any other state, but here in Maryland on any giving day I can drive by a little Mexican man selling a bouquet of flowers for only $5. Greeting cards are always on sale in most stores and chocolates and sweets are never in short supply. So what’s stopping us from showing our love each and every day? Don’t you think your significant other would appreciate the gesture on a regular basis instead of one misinterpreted day a year? I guarantee that if people put as much effort into showing love to their significant others all year round like they are doing today, the idea of Valentine”s Day would become obsolete.

Happy Valentine’s Day!


12 Most Important Things to Remember about Dating and Relationships

“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.”

For some, dating and relationships can be like searching for buried treasure on the ocean floor surrounded by blood-thirsty sea creatures. While you’re eager to claim the waiting riches, you don’t want to be eaten alive.
Dating can be scary. The scene can be pretty rough, especially if you’ve been out of the game for a while. Coupled with a boat full of self-esteem issues, soul-crushingly bad dating or relationship experiences and the ever-present fear of rejection and you can find yourself adrift, swimming alone in the dating scene’s predator-infested waters.
The rewards can outweigh the risks by a lot, and the ultimate reward – meeting that person with whom you’re meant to spend the rest of your life – is, to many, worth the risk. Fear not, however. There’s help for the unlucky in love. Here you’ll find a list of things that may help you navigate those choppy relationship waters.

    If you’re older than 35 and believe you’re too old to reenter the dating scene, I’ll ask you to take a moment. Look in the mirror. Raise your right hand. Now, slap the right side of your face. REALLY HARD. Do it again. That’s a good shot. Your age is an advantage, not an impediment. If you’re healthy, have a healthy self-image and aren’t the pimple-faced teen or self-involved jerk you may have been in your 20s then you’re in excellent shape. Your age shouldn’t be a factor. Don’t spend your time moping around your house because you’ve been single for a while and are convinced there isn’t anyone for you. Dating is for EVERYONE, regardless of age, including you!
    Confidence (not to be confused with arrogance) is important. If you’re arrogant, potential partners will see you as either a jerk or snob, or both, or something else entirely. When it comes to dating many men and women respond to confident, self-assured and assertive partners. Don’t be a shrinking violet. Be proud of yourself and let the dating world know you’re a force to be reckoned with.
    Beauty, or attractiveness, is more than mere appearance, more than a pretty or handsome face and a well-toned body. Pretty faces and ugly personalities equal a losing proposition for a potential partner. If you’re a beautiful person on the inside, assert your beauty. It will show on the outside in the way you carry yourself and the way you treat others. Don’t be sad if you aren’t magazine beautiful or male model handsome. You’re beautiful the way you’re designed.
    Television and magazines sell a specific, management-approved, largely Photoshopped image of so-called perfection. If you lack self-confidence and believe there is a single, socially approved brand of perfection, you may come to believe everything about the partner of your dreams has to be perfect. Don’t fall for that. Perfect is in your perception of it. Flaws can be cute and irresistible, too.
    Dating can be fun. While it’s important to treat it as business, it’s still possible to have fun doing it. Like many games, if you can’t see the fun in it, if you treat it completely seriously all the time, it can become tedious and uninteresting. Enjoy yourself.
    Though dating and, later, relationships can be fun, they need work. Entering a relationship thinking it will sustain itself is a mistake. Relationships require trust, communication and compromise. Flexibility is key. Routine maintenance keeps the relationship running.
    The same song and dance can get old quickly. Dating requires creativity. Don’t be afraid of spontaneity. Shake things up a bit. Be adventurous. It doesn’t always have to be dinner and a movie. There are lots of activities for you to try with a partner. Learning something new together can be fun.
    Dating and sex don’t necessarily equal a relationship. When dating, clearly state your priorities. Ask questions. Do some research. Sex can make or break any relationship, serious or otherwise. Sex is a high priority for some. For others, not so much. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page.
    You may discover your partner is “the one.” It’s relationship time! Whether it’s during an afternoon stroll or while sharing a good, side splitting, laugh, it can come at any time, that feeling in your gut that you’ve found your partner. Now the work begins. Remember rules 4,6 and 7.
    You may also discover your partner ISN’T “the one”.  Maybe he keeps leaving the seat up. Perhaps she saws logs when she sleeps. Whatever the case, you know things aren’t going well and this one isn’t a keeper. Dating isn’t a contract. You aren’t required to stay when things aren’t working. It’s good to know when to cut your losses.
    Break-ups are never easy. They are, however, occasionally necessary. Perhaps you’ll remain friends. Keep your options open. Explore yourself. Travel. Assess your strengths, weaknesses and figure out what you can do differently on your next date.
    Someone said, “If you want to be successful, surround yourself with successful people.” The same goes for dating. Good dates and, eventually, healthy relationships require good models. It’s a good idea to keep company with couples in healthy relationships. Negative people usually create negative outcomes, especially in relationships. Steer clear of people who enjoy undermining you, your partner or your relationship.

Dating isn’t as scary as you may think. Positive thinking, self-esteem, humility and a sense of adventure can help you on your path to finding Mr. or Ms. Right. Now grab your diving gear and jump in!


So, Who’s Paying?

The answer to the above question should be obvious. He’s paying of course, right? What, no? Seriously? You think they should go dutch? That’s a bit unorthodox isn’t it? I mean, they’re on a date. The guy should be paying for everything! That’s not how things work anymore? Since when? Where was I for that? I could have been saving so much money! Well, do guys still buy women drinks at a bar? They do? Phew, that was close. Wait, what? Women are now buying men drinks, too? GREAT SCOTT!!

I’m an old-fashioned guy, so I still believe that men should always pay when on a date. However, these days it seems like that mentality has all but gone out the window (I blame rap music and feminism lol). In today’s society, women have become more assertive in their independence and have no objections to covering the bill; and, as a result, men have become cheap (okay, that may be a bit harsh). Of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. This is just what I believe. Here’s sort of a guideline that I follow.

If a guy meets a woman at a club or bar, we all know that typically men are buying the drinks. However, if a woman does offer to buy you a drink, fellas, don’t be rude and refuse. Instead, insist on picking up the next round…or 3. Guys, if a woman you’re interested in calls you up and wants to go out, even though she initiated the date, be under the mindset that you should still be footing the bill. If she states beforehand that the outing is on her, accept, but make plans for a next date and offer to pick up the tab next time. If she calls you up and asks you out and you’re low on funds, let her know, don’t just make up some silly excuse and blow her off in an attempt to save your pride. In this economy she should understand. If she doesn’t, is that someone you really want to be going out with, anyway? If this is your first date, presumably, after meeting at the bar or club, I think that the guy should always pay. But, this is a new age. It’s now common practice for the person initiating the date to pick up the tab, agreeing to split the check ahead of time, or alternating between paying for different aspects of the date (i.e. she pays for the meal but he pays the tip or he pays for bowling and she pays for the snacks and refreshments..).

Now you guys have been on a few dates or have been seeing each other for a while. By this point you guys should be able to come to a compromise as to who pays and should be comfortable with whoever picks up the check. If you’re married or in a long-term relationship, it shouldn’t matter who pays for what. In the end, it should all balance out. Still, you shouldn’t just assume. Having a quick conversation before heading out should be routine.

Again, these are just my thoughts and opinions, but I’m looking forward to hearing yours. Please feel free to leave a comment, or if you have any questions on the topic, I’d be more than happy to provide you with more of my thoughts.


Ok, You caught me

“Infidelity is a choice made of our own free will.”

People cheat because they can; but, for several generations men and women have been trying to discover the decision-making process behind why people cheat. Granted, there may be a good reason that prompted them to throw fidelity to the wind, but it is more often the case that they saw the opportunity and took it. For many, the risqué act brings a rush of excitement to their lives. I don’t condone cheating, as it isn’t fair to anyone involved. However, if you want to “have your cake, and eat it, too”, here are a few common sense tips on how to avoid getting caught.

  • A secret is not a secret if you tell someone. You did something naughty and you’re just dying to tell someone.  Here’s an idea: DON’T. Who ever stayed out of trouble by telling people their business?
  • Dispose of the evidence. You got a sexy picture of his/her privates? Look at it and delete it. I know you want to be able to look back and refresh your memory from time to time; but, holding on to those emails, texts, pictures or videos might, and probably will, come back to bite you in the ass later. There’s nothing like plausible deniability. “I did what?! Prove it!”
  • I’m sorry, do I know you? Never, and I mean NEVER, cheat on your significant other with someone who they know. That’s Armageddon waiting to happen; and, you may not come out alive. If you do make it out alive, you’re going to wish you were dead.

These suggestions are just that – suggestions. They aren’t ironclad, but they may just help you live a little longer. No matter how slick you think you are, there’s always a chance that you will get caught. If you do get caught you’re going to have to do some damage control if you want to save your relationship. Here are some things to remember.

  • Guilty as Charged. Tell the truth. Unless you know for a fact that you can get out of trouble, just come clean. There’s no point in denying it any further if you’ve been caught with you your hand in the “nookie” jar. Continuing to deny it only makes things worse.
  • Anyone order a slice of humble pie? Humble yourself. The only thing that should be coming out of your mouth should be “you’re right”, and “I’m sorry”.
  • Clean-up, aisle 5. The quicker you can get a handle on the situation the better. If both of you are willing to reconcile, you have to move fast and move past.

The best advice I can give is just don’t do it. Cheating isn’t right and causes more harm than good. However, if you do decide to stray, please protect yourself. There are a lot of diseases going around; and, some people aren’t very forthcoming. You don’t want to compound your infidelity by having to tell someone that you may have given them an STD. Be safe.


Monogamy? Please..

“Monogamy is ideal as a standard, but if you look around you, it’s not the end result.” – Justen Michael”

“Monogamy is realistic, but it’s not practical.” That’s how it all started. That one little comment fueled a lively and heated debated that lasted in to the early morning hours.

Monogamy is possible in theory, but in reality, it’s just so bloody difficult! It goes against our biology. Don’t believe me? Take a trip to the mall one day, find a nice spot with lots of mall traffic, and just sit there and observe. Before long you’ll notice that everyone is pretty much checking everyone else out. Men are critiquing women, and vice versa. Even those mall browsing with a significant other can be caught eying the opposite (or even the same) sex from time to time. I’m even willing to bet that while you’re there, you’ll also come across a few nice, attractive and tasty morsels that you would more than love to get your hand around. However, you may not act on those urges because society has beaten us over the head and forced us to frown upon anything other than a monogamous relationship. Why? There are so many gorgeous and appealing pieces of eye candy out there and we’re only allowed to have one? MADNESS!

Why is monogamy so impractical? It’s like going to a buffet. There are so many delicious and appetizing choices that you want to sample everything, but you don’t. Not because you don’t want to, but because you don’t want to look like a greedy pig or get looked at with disgust. So, what do we do? We get a plate, fill it with some things we like, and enjoy it. Then we get something else. Once we’re done with that plate, we get another, and another, until we’ve eventually had enough, or we take a break just long enough to regain our appetite.

Ironically, dating works pretty much the same way. So many choices and so many decisions. You can choose someone who seems to satisfy you, or you can cycle through different choices until you find someone who suits you best. You even have the option of juggling more than one person and then end up finding out that you’ve probably bitten off more than you can chew.

Monogamy is not for everyone. Some people are afraid of being monogamous. Being tied to one person for any considerable length of time is a frightening prospect for them. Why would anyone relegate themselves to one person until death, when there’s enough play out there for a lifetime of fun? Some try to exploit the loophole of being monogamous by having open relationship, but open relationships can be dangerous. Open relationships, like all relationships, are subject to emotional attachments, by some or all parties, carrying the potential of fucking it up for everyone involved.

Either way, no matter what decision you make, it’s still YOUR decision. No one has the right to dictate how you live your life. Live your life in a way that pleases you, just as long as it isn’t hurting yourself or anyone else.