I Will NOT Go Down With This Ship

white flagI’m not a quitter. I never have been. It’s just not in my DNA. No matter how challenging or difficult something may be, no matter how much I’m getting my ass kicked, I’ll just keep coming back for more until I win, or figure it out (except for math, math can suck a dick). If there’s a level of a game that I can’t seem to figure out or a combo that I can’t get the right timing or input for, I’ll keep at it for hours until I’ve figured it out (Seriously, ask anyone that has played a video game against me or have sat and watched me play a level over and over and over again for hours). I just don’t know how to quit. I don’t know how to give up and accept defeat.

However, I’ve recently come to the realization that my fervor and tenacity doesn’t work for all situations, especially when it comes to relationships and the people who you love or care about.

I was sitting at my desk at work yesterday, tirelessly fielding calls from these whiny, bitchy, annoying ass, entitled feeling, can’t do anything for themselves, don’t know their ass from their elbow students (I think they get the picture Loren). Anyway, as I’ve stated in previous posts, in order to tune out the rest of the world I tend to have my iTunes playing in one ear while my telephone headset is on the other (Shhhh, I’m not supposed to do that).

I was addressing an issue with a student that had a SERIOUS stammer (another post to come about that shortly), when Dido’s “White Flag” started playing. If you’re not familiar with the song then you should go look it up on YouTube. What? I should just embed the video in to my post? What do I look like? Your fingers aren’t broken. How about I just post the lyrics? Good? Ok, glad we agree on that.

WHITE FLAG

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it
where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can’t talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of “it’s over”
then I’m sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I’m sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I’ll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I’ve moved on….

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

As I was saying, we all have that one song that can describe any instance in our lives to the letter, well this just happens to be mine. Without going in to detail, this song describes a point in my life when things were very…..complicated. I lived by the motto that anything can be fixed in a relationship and that if there is enough conviction that most relationships can be saved. What I forgot to factor was that it has to be a mutual effort between both parties for it to work. No one person has enough love or devotion for both individuals to save the relationship if one of them isn’t giving 100%. Am I trying to say that you shouldn’t fight for the ones you love? No, of course not. If you feel that your relationship is worth saving, then fight like hell for it, but only if your partner is willing to fight along with you.

I fought. I fought and I fought and I fought. I fought hard. In the end it was all for nothing. I learned the hard way that I could have saved myself a shit ton of pain and sorrow if I’d only l cut my losses and moved on. I learned the hard way that some things just can’t be salvaged by just determination and hope. I had to learn how to quit. I had to learn how to fight against every fiber of my being and walk away. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to learn. Some things just can’t be saved, and in most cases more damage and pain will be caused by continuing to fight.

I’m not a quitter by design, and I still struggled with this concept. No matter how many times I’d been hurt, ignored or shunned by someone I care about, some part of me was still willing to fight for that connection, that bond. Not any more.

I’m not a quitter, but I won’t go down with the ship.

@TheKrayze1

(P.S. I caved. The link to the White Flag video is below. Enjoy.)

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A Chat with Love

“Hey Love, is that you? How have you been?
Me? Oh, I’ve been around, you know, just chillin’.
It’s really good to see you, do you have time for a chat?
Really? That’s great! We have so much to discuss in fact.”

“What have I been up to? Oh, not much really.
I spend some time with Stress these days, and you know how that can be.
Heartbreak seems to come around a lot more than I want her to.
In fact the last time I saw her I mistook her for you.”

“Loneliness drops by at least once a day,
I try not to listen to anything he has to say.
And Life is still a bitch! No lie.
You know the only way to get away from her is to die.”

“Enough about me Love it’s your turn, what’s good?
You don’t seem to come around as often as you should.
I’ve been trying to get a hold of you now for some time,
But even when you weren’t around I’d just think of you and smile.”

“Quite a bit of people have been trying to reach you Love,
Although all they seem to find are just imitations of.
I even have a friend that doesn’t believe you exist.
She feels that you’re imagined, a dream, fantasy or myth.”

“She thinks she may have glimpsed you once,
But it was Heartache in disguise,
I could feel her pain from miles away,
I could see it in her eyes.”

“You really need to meet her Love,
She’ll be hesitant at first, a little.
We can have a menage-a-trios,
With you right in the middle.”

“Actually Love, please stick around,
And stay as long as you like.
Point in fact, we wouldn’t mind,
If you stayed for the rest of our lives.”

@TheKrayze1

RANT RANT RANT!

Why do people put so much stock into Facebook or any other social media site? If you’re page says that you’re in a relationship and his/hers doesn’t, does that mean that you’re not together anymore? You’re both Facebook/Twitter/Myspace friends and you can see each other posts and I’m sure everyone on his/her page clearly knows that the two of you are dating. What are you so worried about? It’s just a social site. If they deleted their page right now would that mean that your relationship is over as well? I highly doubt it. You suspect that they may be hiding their relationship status from everyone? Maybe you’re reading too much into it. Maybe they’re a private person and would prefer not to have everyone is their business. I’m pretty sure they don’t any attention to your page because they don’t care what you’re page says cause they know what’s important has nothing to do with what your page says. If you’re stalking their page or timeline to keep an eye out for any signs of cheating, then you’re probably barking up the wrong tree. Chances are IF they are stepping outside of your relationship, it’s probably with someone who they aren’t friends with on a social site that you most likely don’t know. I mean seriously, the majority of what people put on their info page is false anyway, so lighten up. These sites are here to help you to connect with friends and family or network, not to stake your claim or to digitally stalk anyone.

@TheKrayze1