50 Things You Don’t Know About Me

vey-simple-questionsOkay. Let me start my apologizing for not posting consistently for the last few month. These last few months have been hectic with work and school. Without fail Jewels over at AccordingtoJewels has been constantly on my ass to write something on a daily basis. It’s not like I haven’t been meaning to write, but I just didn’t have the spare time or brain power. Now I’m down one class and actually have some free time and instead of sitting at work slaving over quadratic equations I find myself twiddling my thumbs. Luckily a few weeks ago Jewels wrote a post titled 50 Things You Don’t Know About Me and challenged me to do the same.

Challenge Accepted.

Although somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind I’m sure I’ve done something like this before……eh whatever.

1. I’m the youngest of 13 children. (Now lower your eyebrows)

2. I’m 31…(Recall my previous statement and lower your eyebrows again. If you try to do the math your head will likely explode.)

3. I shower naked. (Try to stay calm. I hear that’s a norm in this part of the world.)

4. I occasionally have hemorrhoids. (TMI?)

5.I’ve danced in the rain……naked………..In broad daylight.

6. I’m a pleasant pyromaniac.

7. I’ve also lit my bed on fire. (Story about that soon to follow)

8. I had a very short career as a gymnast in high school.

9. I have a degenerative eye disease call Keratonconus.

10. I grew up playing baseball. I didn’t start learning to play basketball till I was in junior high, but by high school I was on the varsity team.

11. I was married.

12. Even though I’m black, (not sure what that has to do with anything) I’ve never seen The Wiz or The Color Purple.

13. In order for me to fall asleep I need to be laying on my left side.

14. When I was 13 I had to perform CPR on my dad to save his life after he was pinned by a truck he was working on. It’s still hard for me to talk about it to this day.

15. I often eat baby power. I think it’s the talc but I always crave it.

16. I’ve never been to a strip club, nor am I interested in ever going to one.

17. Most of my friends are female. The only real guy friend I have at the moment is my best friend Horace.

18. I’m slightly OCD.

19. I don’t like being touched and I have a serious personal space issue.

20. Because of #19 it should be obvious that I don’t like crowds.

21. Even though I grew up on a Caribbean island, completely surrounded by beautiful beaches, I don’t really know how to swim..

22. I need to learn how to swim.

23. I love thrill rides.

24. I love flying.

25. I’m uncomfortable with extreme heights. (I’m a walking contradiction)

26. I grew up in the church and can probably quote bible verses around you in circles.

27. I don’t drink coffee.

28. I’m in love with Ryan Reynolds.

29. I’m forever addicted to Sour Patch kids…..and sour Skittles…..well pretty much any sour candy.

30. I don’t like speaking, which is ironic because in elementary school I often got in to trouble for talking too much.

31. I hate my job.

32. I once drank from my toilet. (Story to come about that as well.)

33. I once has a pet parakeet. However it learned how to open its cage and flew away.

34. I have all 4 of my wisdom teeth.

35. I hate wearing shoes.

36. How I think I look and how I actually look are often very different from each other.

37. I once got suspended from school for vandalizing my P.E teachers car and letting the air out of his tires.

38. I can solve a Rubik’s Cube in 4 minutes or less.

39. I’m currently writing this while at work on my laptop. Even though we aren’t allowed to have any personal electronics on our desks. Fuck it.

40. I’m afraid that I won’t be successful at being a film maker and that makes me reluctant to attempt to film anything, but I will. I’ll fight through my fear.

41. I dislike having to ask for help. If I can’t do it myself then I don’t feel like I’ve earned it.

42. I would like to travel the world sometimes soon. Hopefully if I amount some measure of fame as a film maker I’ll get my opportunity.

43. I’ve been to jail. TWICE!

44. I am deathly afraid of lightning, but I LOVE the deep rumble of thunder.

45. I once woke up to aliens in my bedroom standing over me…seriously…at least I think they were aliens….they didn’t stay around long enough for me to ask any questions…

46. I sometimes believe that I have latent abilities like the ability to see some events before they happen. There’s been more than one occasion where I’ve dreamt something and it actually happened. Unfortunately I don’t realize it’s happening until it’s happened. There’s usually no signs that lead up to the event that would allow me to change or alter what’s will happen.

47. To make up for the fact that I have poor eyesight the rest of my senses overcompensate. I have incredibly good hearing, sense of smell and my skin is aware of even the slightest touch and my can usually pick out flavors and taste differences that some miss.

48. I wear Degree deodorant and I sometimes shop at bath and body works. (Don’t judge me)

49. I have 6 tattoos. 2 on my right leg,  1 on my upper right arm, 1 on my left shoulder, and 1 on each wrist. More on the way.

50. My middle name, Loren, was given to me by my older sister and it’s what my family and most of my friends address me by.

Well that was fun……


@TheKrayze1

A Dick for a Day

I’ve been in a writing funk lately so my friend Jewels had the brilliant idea to return the favor or me totally send perverts her way at her blog by sending me the most random and at some parts frightening post I’ve read as a man. Nah, just kidding (a little). I’m actually honored to have Jewels as my first every guest post. So after you read this and die of laughter or cringe in a corner somewhere, head over to her place and show her some love.. NOW!

 
What seems like forever ago James wrote a guest post at my place about what he would do if he woke up with lady parts. To this day people still find me through perverted Google searches like “man wakes with vagina” or “dude with vag & tits”. Thanks for bringing those freaks to my door, by the way. Anyway, the reason that he even wrote that article is because I told him all women have thought about what they would do with a dick for a day. He seemed a little reluctant to believe me so the time has come for me to repay the pervy Google search favor and tell you what I’d do with a dick for a day.

First things first, I want anyone with a dick reading this to brace himself. I’d say that a solid 70% of this is pure pervy, deprived, and sex related activity but the other 30% is straight torture to the penis. So let’s get to it, shall we?

Where else would we start but with morning wood? As a woman I’m not waking up primed for sex (even if I do enjoy morning sex) unless I’ve dreamt of Jason Statham. Therefore waking with a hard on ready to rock…that’d be freaking great! So, I figure I wake up, enjoy the tent show (and pray it’s an impressive one) and then reach for the lotion cause I’m about to get it on with my right hand. It wouldn’t end there though; I’d go into a marathon of jerking off. The left hand, the stranger, how quick can I make myself cum, and how quickly can I recover and do it all again! I’m going to find my perineum and massage the fuck outta that while I jerk off just to see how much stronger the orgasm is.  I want to know my cock and what I like to a T before I leave that bed.

Of course if I had a dick for a day I’m going to see if I can blow myself because maybe, just maybe, I can! After I’ve sufficiently crusted my sheets and covered my belly with splooge it’s going to be time for a shower. I can’t get in until I pee though, standing up; oh the novelty! This is huge for me because I’m pretty fucking sure it’s not that hard to hit the fucking water and not make a mess, so I have to prove this point.

I’m going to have a field day in the shower! Soapy and slippery I’m going to paint on the glass doors, make cock head prints, ball prints, soap myself up, then likely get hard and jerk off again. Then I’m going to play with my balls, fondle them a bit, then sadistically twist and pull on them just to test how sensitive they REALLY are. I want to know the threshold between “ehh” and “OOOWWW”. When I was done fondling my balls…and trimming that shit up by the way…I’d dry off. I’d be toweling off when I remembered that time that guy flapped his cock against a towel to make me laugh and immediately I’d have to do it. This would lead to me doing penis copters and flapping my junk ala Jenna Marbles “Bounce That Dick” video (and likely cracking up).

When I was done with my dick acrobatics I’d get dressed, but I’m totally going to free ball it! If I only have a dick for one day I’m going to jog to my car (and likely everywhere else that day) just to feel that shit swinging around in my pants. When my junk shifts, sticks to my legs, or otherwise gets out of line, I’m going to adjust myself, unabashedly. I’m going to fondle myself in public the way only men can, without any shame. Hell, I’m going to play a little pocket hockey and sport a raging boner in public while talking to people with a straight face while I’m at it. It’s going to be AMAZING!

So, I’m clearly heading to my best friend’s place and making good on all those times we said “if only you had a dick…we’d be perfect together” cause no way am I NOT getting a blowy! Oh, I’m getting a blowjob, a hand job, and I’m titty fucking her. Note: This is all hypothetical cause no way could I engage in sexual acts with her BUT assuming I still look like me with a cock…she’s the only one who would fuck me…so yeah, I’m going to bone her…hard! Once we’ve forgone all that foreplay I’m taking her to pound town on the fuck truck (Thank you Krayze for that phrase). We’re boning with and without a condom so I can finally understand why so many men beg to go bareback (I’m pretty sure that’s a con job). I honestly can’t imagine the sensations from the other side so this is the part I am really excited about.

After we’re done screwing it’s time to get into some sadistic shit. This dick is a one-day deal so I can torture it. First I’m going to see what else I stick my dick in? I’m going to try to fuck a vacuum hose, the gap in sofa cushions, a watermelon, and anything else that looks inviting or cylindrical. Then it’s time for the torture tests now that I’m done with it for the most part. I’m letting my friend straight kick me in the dick, backhand it, hit a ball at my crotch, and grab and twist my balls. I need to know how bad it really is. A mans tolerance for pain is way lower than a woman’s so I’m pretty sure I can judge the true nature of the pain.

If I’m feeling REALLY altruistic maybe I’ll let all my friends come over and give them HONEST feedback on blowjobs, hand jobs, and sex. They get to perform on me and I’ll give them constructive criticism…cause I’m nice like that. At the end of the day I’ll head to a guy friend’s house and try to game for a bit…cause I’m pretty sure I’d need to have a dick before I ever enjoyed that waste of time. Then I’d head home, rub one out, and fall asleep immediately.

I honestly would have a field day…for a day…then you can have that shit back. I enjoy my tits and vagina way too much to keep that dangly junk. So, ladies and gentlemen, that is what I would do if I had a dick for a day. What would you do with the opposite genders naughty bits for a day?

@According2Jewls

 

jewelsJewels is a writer who is working on a YA novel series when not writing at her blog, According to Jewels, or fulfilling her Senior Editor role at The Indie Chicks (an online magazine). You can reach her on her blog, twitter, or Facebook…and please do, she’s a little low on stalkers.

D.S.I.D.A.A.K: Dog Food

240px-Flickr_-_cyclonebill_-_Coco_popsWhen I was a child I swore to high heaven that I was the smartest thing walking (who are we kidding, I AM the smartest thing walking…….shut it you!), but there were those rare moments where my brilliance got the better of me.

And we’ve all had those moments right? Those times when you were a child and you had what you thought was a genius idea just for it to be the worst idea in the history of worst ideas (I mean, until you have the next genius [tragic] idea) right? Well I decided to document as much of those moments as I can remember in a new section of my blog called, Dumb Shit I Did As A Kid.

I was at work today having a conversation with on of my co-workers that went from starving Africans to pets to dogs and then this awkward story that I decided to share about dog food that had them dying with laughter.

Now, I don’t particular remember why or how I thought this was a good idea but one afternoon while I was out feeding my dogs at the time my curiosity bent me over a barrel. I don’t remember I old I was when this happened but I’m thinking maybe 11 or 12. My parents only bought dry dog food, pedigree I think it was, and I remembered looking at the food in their bowls as they were munching away and thinking, “Hmm, I wonder what that tastes like?”

Challenge. Accepted.

Me in my infinite wisdom decided that it would be well within my rights to experiment with the flavors of dog food (where were my parents in all of this?). So I went back in to the house (we don’t keep our dogs in the house where I come from), grabbed a cereal bowl, went back outside, poured me a good amount of dog cereal, er…um..I mean, dog food in to the bowl and then went back in to the house. I remember standing in the kitchen pondering just how I was going to do this since I really had no intention of just eating it dry. Then it struck me! I’m sure this stuff has the same consistency as shredded wheat, and probably the same bland taste as well so if I add milk to the bowl and enough sugar to put me in a coma this stuff shouldn’t be half bad! (Seriously, where were my parents?)

So I grabbed the milk and proceeded to make myself a bowl of Pedigree cereal, adding enough sugar to give a cavity a cavity. Time for the moment of truth. I grabbed a spoon out of the drawer and after stirring up the “cereal” for a moment took a spoonful and hesitantly shoved it into my mouth.

For a moment in didn’t taste too bad. With the addition of the sugar and milk it actually did almost taste like cereal. Then I bit in to one of the dog food pieces.

Fuck.

MY TASTE BUDS! THE SUGAR, IT DOES NOTHING! WHHHHYYYYY??

No matter how much I chewed, or how many sips of the bowl I took to get additional diabetic coma sugar milk in to my mouth, the taste of the dog food was just to powerful!

UN-HAPPY. Needless to say that none of it even made it down my throat. I promptly spit whatever was in my mouth in to the sink and threw the rest of the abomination I created right out of the motherfucking window.

Lesson Learned.

@TheKrayze1

See, the Problem is…

emotional-designI’m not a very emotional person. Or rather, I’d like to believe that I’m not a very emotional person. I keep a very stoic attitude towards everything and try my best not to let my actions reflect how I may actually be feeling at the moment.

Actually, that’s not true. I’m a very emotional person. To emotional sometimes I think. My problem comes with the fact that I internalize a great deal of things, anger, happiness, fear, sadness, disappointment, sympathy, mostly because I don’t know how to express my emotions very well. I never know how to react to things or if the way that I am reacting is correct. I prefer to keep up the facade that I’m emotionless and that people’s thoughts and actions don’t affect me and that I can’t be hurt by the things people say or do but it never works. No matter how much I’d like to pretend like I don’t care it always seems like my feelings are so easily trampled. Every other day it seems like I’m nursing some emotional wound that somehow slipped through a chink in my emotional armor.

Internalization (is that even a word?) doesn’t seem to be working for me to well these days. It accounts for much of my stress and personal conflicts. I care about people’s feelings way to much to tell them how I feel or what I may be thinking. I’m so afraid to hurt people so I’d rather deal with the turmoil within myself than to risk causing pain to someone else.

I sometimes wish that I could turn my feeling and my ability to care for people off but no matter how hard I try it seems like I don’t know how to not care too much. I develop bonds with individuals and then the inevitable event of some sort occurs that has me desperately trying to salvage whats been left of my tattered feelings. I wish I knew how not to care. I wish I knew a sure-fire way to avoid being taken advantage of. I wish I knew how to walk away without looking back. I wish I knew how to not give people the benefit of the doubt. I wish I knew how to not see the potential good in people.I wish I knew how to not expect people to meet me half way. I wish I knew how to not be considerate of people’s feelings. I wish it wasn’t so easy for me to bond with people.

I wish…..

@TheKrayze1

Originally posted on home iq:

The Ametis bath line by Davide Oppizzi for Graff was introduced at least two years ago, but you could hardly find information about the product here. Is it that the manufacturer feels we in the Colonies can’t handle its avant-garde design sensibility? More likely it was because the product line was not available until late last year.

Consisting of showers and faucets that will be available for the first time in the U.S., the products exude curvaceous lines and come equipped with an electronic system and a colored ring that changes from red to blue and vice versa, depending on changes in the water temperatures. In keeping with the circular design, a toggle-like handle swivels in either direction to control the water flow and temperature. Like most high-quality faucets, the products are made from cast brass and are available in chrome, white or black.

“At GRAFF, we have a history of collaboration with…

View original 68 more words

Clair De Lune

pianoAnyone that knows me knows that I am really in to music. I mean it’s even tattooed on wrists in the form of a treble and bass clef. They would also know that I studied classical piano for 10+ years and played for my church. If you didn’t know, now you know.

The point is I really love music. If something sounds good to me, I’ll listen and probably download it. Which is probably the reason why my iTunes library is so eccentric and all over the place. Even if a song has to grow on me, once it does, it gets added to my library. It doesn’t matter what genre it belongs to, if it’s pleasing to my ears then that’s enough for me.

That being said, there are a few songs in particular that I favor above all others. And of those few, Clair de Lune by Claude Debussy is the crem de la crem.

I don’t know what it is exactly about this song that speaks to me but I can always count on this piece to either calm me down if I’m angry, cheer me up if I’m a bit down or channel my focus if I’m utterly distracted. This is also why I’m obsessed with learning this piece. If I never touch a piano again, I at least want to master this gem.

And now, for your viewing/listening pleasure:

@TheKrayze1

Sexting 2.0 “What the Fuck?”

-accepted-memes-images-629461You know those conversations you have with your friends that may have started out one way, but somewhere along the way things take an extreme left turn and before you know it everyone is like “What the Fuck?”

Yeeeeaaaahh…

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday (who shall remain nameless per her request), when I introduced the word “Idiotard”. Now for those of you who are looking for an explanation to that word then you’re an idiotard, because anyone can see that the word means that you’re a retarded idiot. Anyway, after praising my genius she threw out the idea of creating conjoined words to describe sexual situations.

……………………………………Challenge Accepted!

It all started out fairly normal at first, but then things quickly spiraled out of hand, as you’ll soon read. Below you’ll find a glossary of terms that we’ve come up with so far. By the way, this may not be safe for work.

  • Sexhaustion/Pleasurathon: All definitions self-explanatory, or at least they should be.
  • Hairsmucking: Grabbing her hair while smacking her ass and fucking her doggie style.
  • Ridegasm: When you continue to pound that ass while she’s quivering and quaking during an intense orgasm.
  • Dualgasm: Again, self-explanatory.
  • Distractgasm: When crazy wild sex serves as a distraction from your furious anger. (Not to be confused with the anger bang.)
  • Milsing: Milking your cock by pulsing her pussy walls.
  • Boofing: Grabbing her boobs while fingering her.
  • Jerbling: Jerking him off while nibbling on his ear. (Not to be confused with gerbling which is just cruelty to animals in my opinion)

Here’s where shit started to go downhill…

  • Vagmoutt: The sexual Roshambo (rock-paper-scissors) over which orifice gets penetrated.
  • The Magician: You know, like pulling a rabbit out of a hat? This pulling his cock out of his jeans while he’s pants are still buttoned..
  • Discoballing: Cumming all over her face then sprinkling her face with glitter.
  • Pussy Flume: Pouring liquor down your belly and over your slick pussy and letting him drink from you.
  • Slurpee: Paying extra oral attention to the balls.
  • Snorkel: Oral sex in the shower….(Ok, that one was pretty genius)
  • Strobing: Having ass slapping sex in a room with a clapper.

Here is where things REALLY took a turn for the crazy and kinda offensive.

  • The Helen Keller: Blindfold, ball gag, and noise cancelling ear phones for an intense sexual experience focused only on sensation….(Actually….)
  • The Ray Charles: Blindfolded while music is playing..
  • Kriss/Kross: When a man cross-dresses then starts scissoring with a woman…(what?)

We need psychiatric help…

@TheKrayze1